"You can decide where you want to live when you're older"
I consider our step situation to work well...for the most part.
DH and I SD10 on an out of town soccer trip where most of 15 10y/o girls ran rampant through a hotel for the weekend. I hated every minute of it.
So yesterday, SD10 is exhausted from her free-for-all late night soiree's all weekend and doesn't want to go to BM's. She's in full whine mode.
I stay quiet and count the minutes until her departure.
DH remarks to me today that he told SD10 AGAIN yesterday that when she's older, she can decide where she wants to live.
I told him "not a good idea to keep telling her that. Its not up to her, its up to you and BM". He says.."when she's 14 she can decide".
We get off the phone and I think.."What about me? Do I get a say? Because I'm telling you, if we have SD full time...I'll be trippin' out the door.
Sure, she's not a terrible kid and for the most part I have an excellent relationship with her...but the reason for that is, I know, every other week...I don't see her.
Do you agree? Not a good idea to be telling the skids..."you can decide when you're older".
P.S....that will be the last out of town soccer trip I attend.
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It's not a good idea! My exH
It's not a good idea!
My exH says that to my BD11 ALL THE TIME - since she was 4 yrs old! It's drives me batty! You are right - it is not up to her it is up to DH & BM. I tell my girl that her daddy shouldn't be telling her that & by court order it states that she will be with me until she is 18 and then she can decide where she lives. In younger years is it allot of stress to put on a child to decide between the 2 most important people in your life -- i know most adults couldn't or wouldn't want to do that & it's not fair. Also - when BD comes home & says it to me --- i look like the bad guy cuz i say no way!
The fact is, though, that
The fact is, though, that kids CAN choose where to live when they are a certain age. (The age varies based on what State you are in and the maturity of the child) My Brother chose when he was 7, but he had 167 IQ. My SD got to choose this past year to be with us and she was 11. SS did NOT get to choose, he is 8 and a VERY young 8 at that. Our judge said "IF one goes, they BOTH go." Both Skids live with us. (of coarse ours was on exparte order and THEN SD chose to stay with us)
technically some courts allow
technically some courts allow children to pick after a certian age but it's not right. it's like telling them to "pick between their parents, no kid wants that.. and inevitably they will pick the parent taht showers them with gifts and spoils them and not those taht teach the boundaries
That MAY be true some of the
That MAY be true some of the time. But SD has ALWAYS wanted to be with DH. She was failing at school (every single year) and having bad behavior. she now lives with us and has made B honor roll and has not had ANY behavior issues at all. BM was never around and never there for her. She has not seen her BM since October either. And her grades have gone up since. This is not mentioning the abuse and neglect that she endured living with her BM. She did NOT choose to be here because we bought her.
I've told SD15 a couple times
I've told SD15 a couple times that if her life is so sucky with BM, she can come live with us.
She says she wants to, but she'll never stand up and assert herself long enough to make the decision.
Right now, all I can say is THANK GOD BM is dealing with SD15's happy horseshit, because DH and I wouldn't tolerate it - and then life would suck for EVERYBODY. Well, everybody except BM. I'll stick with BM's life being crappy, and mine just cruising along, thanks.
SD24 was 13 when she decided
SD24 was 13 when she decided to live with BM. There were no rules, no consequences, and she did as she pleased. As a result, she dropped out of high school and followed a convicted felon half way across the country. Now, at 24, her life is a disaster. No education, no job, and she's a baby maker. Every time she whines about how broke she is, all I can think is, "hey, toots, it was YOUR decision".
Actually most state statutes
Actually most state statutes say that the wishes of the children can be heard at a certain age. Very few states "let the children choose". Children generally do not have the mental capability of making that decision. Judges are to use "the best interest of the children" standard when agreeing or disagreeing with what the children want. In many instances there are also other mitigating circumstances involved when the children's wishes are followed. Allowing the children to choose where they want to live puts to much power into hands that are not mature enough to handle it.
I was 21 when I "choose" to
I was 21 when I "choose" to move in with my mom (which also meant moving states and coming home). My dad did not even tell me goodbye.
If choosing parents is choosing to remain in a school system (when CP is moving away), or if there is a good reason for the move (CP never around, bad influence, etc) then I say a child's wishes should be considered. But choosing between parents is not something a child should ever have to really do. Many people look at it as who does the child love more....
DO I think my skids would have been better off here with us- sure. Do I think that they needed to choose to live here? No, their BM would have taken that as a slap to her face- and it would have been in her eyes choosing who they loved more.