New & In search of some advice
Hi, I am kinda alone here, DH works out of state and hasnt been home in over 140days. We have a 4yr old daughter together,I have a 14 son and for almost a yr SD now 19 has lived with us. I LOVE children and ppl in general,unlike DH! 
We got a call last NOV that SD had been in a fight with a boy in the trailor park she was living in and he had tried to Rape her. That was last straw i wanted to help SD and made DH go get her!!I wanted SD to move in cuz situations were horrid(drug addicted non working mother and stepdad living in horrible neighborhood). I felt comfrontable with her although i knew there were some mental problems. she has some major learning disabilitys and schitzo-affective disorder, OCD and bipolar. She is suicuidal at any given conflict and I have had the police here atleast 4 times since she has moved in! At this moment i go to bed each night stressed out feeling as thou i have made the biggest mistake for everyone involved! Her mother was evicted and had to move alot closer to where we live and is now only 3hrs away instead of 12, but will not allow her to come home even to visit. DH insists thats because she is 18 and doesnt get child support anymore, however she still has their son(21yrs old) living with her. DH is coming home next week and has a prob of speaking so candidly and I KNOW there will be problems... I sometimes feel like packing my kids and leaving when he comes home and the drama starts and i have told him so. I wish I could just show this kid how to be a productive member of society but she refuses, wants to work to get tatoos and smoke.. she has a sexual problem i think, i guess i feel as thou thats the only way she can feel close to someone is to sleep with them! these guys use her once then i have to deal with the drama that follows on top of her dad screaming he dont want a ho for a daughter! I have tried all i know to re-direct her attention to other things but the biggest smiles from her only comes from a males attention and I can't seem to stop her from sleeping with every man she finds slightly attractive! I have only seemed to hurt her feelings and slowed her down a bit by controlling her coming and leaving home when she isnt at work! Her mother usually will not take my calls and her dad usually says something degrading that just pisses me off instead of encouraging my help! neither of them say THANK U and neither seem to really care,so then when I am angry with her I began to sympathize and its just a full circle of my frustration! I DO NOT want my son forming ideas about women based on SD and I have told her so once in a heated moment! or my lil toddler to think she will ever be allowed to dress and behave in such a manner.. my parents say i cant change her and I am feeling like the future fruits of my labor will not be significat enough for her as to the destruction of my nerves and my focus on my children.. I wanted to be a foster mom but see that maybe i am not as good of a parent as i thought i was!
well she is mentally not all
well she is mentally not all together and it sure worrys ME that she wants to live on her own. SHe doesnt know how to cook or drive or really have a normal conversation with anyone. DH and her doesnt really get along all that great and he was more opposed to her living with us than me. so with that said I dont think she is a spy, lol maybe a lil about what i am doing at times cuz i am upset & dont answer his texts fast enough. even if she was i gots nothing to hide, lol
she already has so MANY
she already has so MANY rules! DH & I wouldnt allow her to bring men here at all! as a matter of fact a guy tried to walk her to the door and I yelled at both of them...
NO ONE is allowed because i feel i would be uncomfrontable with strangers in my home with my children and me... she doesnt seem to have the best taste in men as it is, my children will NOT be around that. she has a job and really seems to be a motivated young lady when it comes to working, she just gets fired so quickly. I am seriously thinking about helping her try to get herself a small apt, there are some in our neighborhood. thank you for your imput! i really appericate an adult conversation at this time, lol
yIf SD has mental health
yIf SD has mental health problems then telling her to get a job and treating her as if she does not have mental health problems is not the answer. You need to seek professional help for yourself to help you deal with this.
Interesting though isn't it. No good deed goes unpunished. You wanted to the right thing and this is how it has turned out. Next time think it through.
I too encouraged a relationship between my husband and his kids and I too got kicked in the face by DH and his kids. Finished up I put the kids back were I found them - out of my life.
Interfering in other people's relationships with their kids is a bad, bad idea and should never be done. Their kids, their problem, now you have not only made it your problem but you have inflicted it on your kids.
Your husband and the BM should take responsibility for this child if she has mental health issues, but clearly they threw up their hands years ago, so can you really expect him to come home and fix a problem you brought into the family home. I think he should, but I suspect he won't.
I guess you have a couple of options given that you feel your husband is not only not going to help you here, but you two are going to fight over this, again more disruption for your own kids in the home, is to to either drive her back to where you found her, her mothers place. Find a doctor for her and get her some help, or find some professional help for yourself.
I understand you did this thinking you were doing the right thing, but it has turned out to be very wrong for your family, so firstly discuss it with your husband and when you do have some answers for him ie: take her back to BM's, put her out in the street, in which case that is grossly unfair, you should have just left her with BM in the first place, or get her the professinal help she needs.
Over the years I have seen this happen time and time again with friends of my children, and children of my friends, some do gooder thinks they can do a better job than the BM takes the kids in when they want to leave home, discover the kid is a problem and then dump the kid who is then left homeless for often weeks before the bio parents ever found out. If you truly believed this girl was in danger rather than take her in you should have called the police or child services.
Dealing with a teenager is difficult, dealing with one who has mental health issues, well you cannot do it alone, dealing with one who has mental health issues and two parents who don't seem to give a damn.......impossible. Get some outside help.
Again last night DH went off
Again last night DH went off on just how horrible these kids turned out and was talkng about his son whom is living with BM still, while i tried to redirect his hateful angry words and calm him down, he asks me, "Why do you always stick up for them when they are asses?" I explained how when he & I first got together he talked about wanted relationships with them and how much he loved and missed them... so in the 5yrs we have been together I have encouraged them to bond anyways possible ! but i REALLY do feel like u said, i am only getting "kicked in the face" by all of them. I am NOT the type that thinks i can do better than BM because i have kids of my own I know better. I dont agree with some of her actions(drugs & some neglect) but never wanted to take her children just help and be a good step momma to them, they didnt have their dad in their lives much for atleast 8 yrs. Maybe cards and/or gifts for bdays, xmas or phone calls. anyways SD would come to visit with us as much as possible after the birth of her lil sister. She is the one that wanted to live with us and believe me I am glad i went into it with open heart & mind cuz had i really thought it through I woulda hated myself forever probably seeing how DH is so great to my BS. see I really know what u have said is true I am seriously just looking for some new ways to cope i guess and maybe some new ideas! I have never really been one to give up, but lol i dont see how anything I do is going to help her. Her BM already said since she moved she doesnt have room for her. ANd I have no plans of her becoming homeless! I think i will maybe just help her find a local apartment close and pray for the best.. SHe is in a program for mental health but when DH comes home he will probably be changing it, because its a complete waste of $! they said she is only OCD LOLOLOL yeah right she has been instituatlized 2x before from where she if from and has been diagnosed schitzo-affective and bi-polar. She is currently on medication. I think i will seek some help for myself as well. Thank u I enjoyed your response atleast someone really listened to me!