You knew this when you married the guy. You're right he's scared shitless that not only will she not let him take the kid but that ex will brain wash the kid into saying she doesn't want to visit EVER. All visitation step-parents are scared to death of that. You do not know what it is like.

But he can enforce a written court ordered visitation schedule including pickup dropoff locations but not if he doesn't have a spine. There is where you came in knowing this. Maybe, just maybe, that's why you married him??? Hmmmmm? Likely he's pretty easy going with you also isn't he? Can't have it both ways.

Well in a few years she'll be grown and the problem will disappear. Patience. Meanwhile you don't have to change your schedule. Ready to leave for the beach when step mom calls and says Dad can't pick up the kid for another hour. Well you go to the beach and he stays home to kill an hour and then do whatever he wants while you're watching the rest of the family swim. You don't have to be involved in the game if you don't want to.

This is the classic "Golden Uterus/Enabler" relationship and there is nothing you can do about it.

Do you really WANT to be involved in this mess? I'm sure there are times that it affects you, but only worry about those, and if you can't meet the schedule change, don't change your plans.

I dealt with the same crap. Just didn't marry it

My DH did this for a while. Well, since he decided that he should do that because it was his kid, then I decided since it wasn't my kid it was irrelevant if I was around or not. So, if he changed plans BEFORE telling me, then I just made my own plans. No reason for him to complain that I didn't discuss MY plans with him. He eventually stopped, but ONLY because he felt like crap when I made plans without him in mind.

This was my life 12 years ago. BM dropped skids off at our home the day after I got out of hospital with newborn DS and was home alone with infant and 2 year old DD. DH had left on a business trip and forgot to tell me he had agreed to let BM leave kids with me so she could finish her Xmas shopping. I let him know i was not his babysitter. Like the others said, I started making plans and carrying on with out DH and skids. I told him he could let BM run his life but not mine. Finally he got the message. It took years. Thankfully skids are grown now and we see them every other month or so. No longer have to deal with BM at all.
Make your plans. Call friends and family, go, see and do without him. Tell him to let you know when he is free to do something with you.

I agree with Still Have Hope. My SO would do the same thing, change plans to accomodate BM and his kids when last minite crap would come up. It seemed that SD schedule was always changing on our days/weekends and no one knew about it any sooner than 30 minutes before we were to go get the kids. It used to drive me crazy and finally I stopped letting their changes affect my life. I would do what ever it was that I was scheduled to do. I would leave without them. One time my SO asked if he could meet us later after he got the kids and I told him NO. It would be too late and dinner would be over. You can have dinner with your children tonight on your own. He asked me what they could have/do for dinner. I said I don't know and I don't care. You figure it out! he got the idea and our ocurance of that crap has reduced significantly.

Stand your ground, tell him how you feel, don't bottle it all up. He has more to consider than his kids and the BM.

DH used to let BM change/make plans & demands and never tell me until it was time to go (or not go). I think he was mostly just trying to avoid bringing her up to me, because I could never hold my tongue about what a raging stupid lazy beeotch she is. I've kind of gotten a handle on my comments, and once I told him that I felt like he was in a family with bm & the skids, and my son and I were in another family on our own, he has made an effort to talk to me about changes (most of the time).

My DH would do the same thing. He still does it, but sometimes he will try to remember and talk to me first.
When he does discuss it with me first and asks my opinion, it doesn't even matter though. He will still do whatever he wants.

Just a couple a days ago I was hurrying up to get dinner ready so SD could eat before she had to leave to go back to BM. DH always wants her to have a good cooked meal before she goes back to BM, because he thinks BM doesn't feed her enough or healthy enough. I had dinner ready on time and told her to come sit down because it was getting late. While we were eatin they all were taking their time and when I told DH he was going to be late, he told me SD wasn't leaving. Him and BM agreed she was spending another day. I told him next time I'm cooking when I feel like it and I'm not going to time it around when SD leaves. If I'm done cooking before she has to go, good for her, she gets to eat. Else not my problem.

I agree with realmccoy... ultimately the schedule is between DH and BM. HOWEVER, DH also needs to realize his decisions may have an impact on me and my kids.

Have there been times I've gone someplace without him because plans changed at the last minute? You bet... one time was a planned 3-day vacation. BM called just a couple hours before we left, wanted to dump the kids on him and he graciously accepted. Then said "we" couldn't go because he had to get the kids. I left him at home.

Have there been times when we're sitting down to a meal and the skids show up (DH knew, I didn't) and there's not enough food prepared? Yup. And I asked DH what he was going to do about it because I sure as hell wasn't going to give up my dinner time/family time with my kids to stand and cook ANOTHER meal if he didn't have the courtesy to tell me about it ahead of time.

There was even a time when BM called DH at work saying she was sick and needed to bring the SK's over right now cause she couldn't handle them AND be sick at the same time. He called me and I said if she could have them here by 6:15pm (a mere two hours from the time he called) that would be fine, but my kids and I had plans and were leaving at 6:30pm ON THE DOT. 6:30 came and went, no call from her, so we left. DH got an earful from her at 9:30 because she was sitting at our house and NOBODY WAS HOME, and then DH in turn got angry at me. Hell no. Just because she can't tell time or be on time anywhere to save her life isn't my problem. At least I was upfront about my timeframes and expectations.

Has my DH got the hint? Yup, but it didn't happen the first time around, or even the second. I had to actually hold firm to MY PLANS and MY AGENDA to get the point across, because no amount of begging and pleading for him to at least let me know who, what, why, when, or how was doing any good.