Crunch time
A quick run down of my situation, I'm ten years younger than my DH, been together 16 years. On/off , three adults skids, and now a 1 yr od grandskid, I have one adult daughter and we have two boys 11 &12. We have been separated for 18 months, DH is still living in the family home whilst I've been renting, fortunate due to my work to have access to quality housing in quality suburb. Crunch time has come as we have to move again- house is not been re-negotiated with owners, therefore this will be our third move in 18months whilst DH has had no disruption. I have asked him to move out of the family home as it is unfair for our boys with the disruption. He tells me he will sleep in his office as he refuses to live with either his two adult daughters, his mum or sister and he can't live with his 30 year old son as he still lives with his ex-wife, they all live five minutes away- I have no family in town. I know crunch time has come, I still love this man dearly but shudder to return to my previous life involving the skids. So tommorrow he is taking me out for lunch-my birthday- and I'm going to lay it on the table-- I will not allow the skids to just pop in, we need control and boundaries for our family unit, so I'm going to come to a compromise that once a month, we will invite the skids and grandskid over for a pizza night or barbie(summer) to eliminate the popping in, i regain control of my home and I am willing for my DH sake to do this. If he does not agree to this as far as I'm concerned it will be a total deal breaker , he will get to sleep in his office , the family home will be sold and I will invest in my own family home. Does this sound a reasonable- rational compromise.
It does to me, your giving
It does to me, your giving him a choice which is more than some would do, its a shame that it got to this point, but that was'nt your fault, I would'nt like my skids to just pop in either, a phone call is the decent thing to do, if this feels right to you, then it is right, good luck honey.
That's how I feel, I'm giving
That's how I feel, I'm giving him a choice. Basically he can have me and our boys together as a complete famy unit otherwise he willl be destroying any hope of real happiness. If he chooses them over me ever again-- good riddance as hard as it will be.
I have to set the boundaries,
I have to set the boundaries, I now know I don't give a hoot about them accepting me. If my plan pays off and they are invited over occasionally, I can prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the visit. They will certainly see a changed person in the way I interact with them, I will stand them up and beware of any passive-aggressive remarks and throw it back in their faces, over time they will realize I don't give a shit anymore about their feelings. Maybe over time they will start turning down our invites- then I will be living the dream
Yes I know how you feel, I
Yes I know how you feel, I love my SS15 and my Sd6 but I still don't want unplanned visits, I too need to prepare myself, as much as I love them, it does feel like a cuckoos in the nest sometimes, the whole thing is so hard, anyway you know what to do, you are insisting on being respected, that can never be wrong, take care.
I think being pre warned of
I think being pre warned of their impending visit will make all the difference in how I interact with them. My home, my rules and my family- treat me with respect , you will get respect in return. If you want to keep the bitchy facade up, you will get a dose back. These skids don't realise who we are and we are capable of giving it back but have always held our tongue, probably as we have been brainwashed about the wicked stepmother in society through fairy tales and we strive not to be stereotyped as one.
Indeed, there have been times
Indeed, there have been times where I had to stop myself from slapping Sd, though I never would, the more my Bf let her get away with bad behaviour, the more I resented her, we had a big shake up a month ago, after an incident where Sd was unbelievably rude, Daddy just let her get away with it, I said if its this bad now, what will it be like when shes a teenager? I said Im leaving, he came to me later and said, please don't leave, we sat down and talked things through properly for the first time, things are much better now, we have to stand up for ourselves, if he stays and sticks to what is agreed then thats great, if he refuses, he's not good enough for you and you will be free to live a better life, this is a win win situation for you. If its ends I know how hard it will be, but you can't stay as you are.
Sell the place.
Sell the place.
Since my husband died, I have
Since my husband died, I have put strong boundaries up about visits. I think it's been quite a shock. But things have become very tense between us, and my husband had no boundaries. Sure, come and stay 5 days without any notice. They still think of this home as theirs and it's not, it's mine. I'm doing everything I have to so that they understand this. I know that for them it comes off as hostility, but I don't care. I feel like I'm the only one who has taken in the fact that my husband is dead(almost 2 year) and everyone else wants the property to remain as a museum. I'm living here and I need to make it my space.
Absolutely, if anything
Absolutely, if anything happened to my DH, I am certain I would never want anything to do with them. For them to continue to coming around to your home is unacceptable unless invited. Maybe they think of the house as partly their own now that the father has died. You are doing the right thing and if they you know they will continue to be hostile towards you- don't worry about it as once skids are confronted by how they affect other people they go on the attack, nothing less would be expected.