SD 11, comes first to my DH. I feel 2nd in my own home. Need advice regarding my family reunion trip, dont want my SD to go!
I am married, will be 3 years in a few months. My SD 10 lives with us full time. She is with us during the school year Monday thru Friday. I pick her up daily from school, along with my Bio Son 9, cook dinner, the whole weekly drill. Her bio mom does nothing for her during the weekdays at all. She goes with her mother on Fridays after school and returns on Sundays (so weekends only). My sons dad is very active in his life - he picks him up from school here and there during the week days, takes him to practice, spends quality time with him, etc. He is much more active than my SD's mother, who is strictly weekends. So when the first summer came after I got married, I was ready for SD to be gone and to have some time with my husband. Especially since we have that schedule during the school year. I assumed SD would go with her mom ALL summer. Well, I learned that is not the case. During the summer, she and my husband simply swap schedules. The mom gets her during the weekdays and my husband has her on the weekends, every weekend, during the summer. So, I learned early on that not only will we never have time together on the weekends in the summer, we really cant plan much the way this schedule is. You would think she'd go with her mom at least 2 to 3 weeks at a time, considering she is with us all school year, and not come home EVERY weekend.
So I've reluctanctly adjusted to that for 2 years now and this is my 3rd summer. I am still happy to have a break during the weekdays, but since we both work, we dont really go anywhere during the summer since SD comes right back on Fridays for the weekend. Ive gone from dreading the weekdays, to dreading the weekends. My very first family reunion is later this summer and I asked my husband to go with me a couple of months back, as a support to me. I dont get much time with him and really just wanted him there by my side. I knew we would get some time together during this trip. I never asked for his daughter to come, because I knew it'd be summer and I also wanted him to go for me, for support! When his daughter is around, she might as well be 4 or 5 years old. It becomes all about her. So I wanted my husband present and attentive to ME; Is that so bad? I never mentioned her when I asked him to come. Yes, I plan to take my son because this is his side of the family. But my son is very independent and my quality of time with my husband isn't affected by my son's presence. He doesnt need to hang on my leg and be up under me 24/7. I also know he will be with other family members and playing with his cousins, etc.
When I asked my husband to go with me, he said he wasnt sure. I said why? He said that he just didnt know yet and would let me know. I then told him that I needed to respond for head count purposes and he finally just said that if he had to make a decision right then, then the answer was no. He has a huge family, they all live locally, and they always have things going on and usually with not much advance notice. I dont make every event, because there is just too much going on. So the reason he gave me for not going to the reunion, was that he didnt feel the need to go and support me, since I dont support all his stuff. I thought it was absurd, and explained that my reunion is in a different state and a rare occassion. Whereas his family has functions localy all the time and I cant make everything, but I have supported him plenty of times. Finally, I just left it alone and made my RSVP for me and my son and told myself I would never bring it up again.
Well, fast forward 2 months....my brother was having lunch with my husband one day and casually asked him why he didnt want to go to the reunion. My husbands answer was, "I do want to go. But my wife didnt ask my daughter to go, she just asked me. I dont think she would be comfortable with my daughter going. But, my daughter hasn't really been anywhere and this would be a perfect chance for her to travel somewhere and see a different place and have that experience, etc." I was in shock! For one, this is not the reason he told me as to why he didnt want to go. And two, it just confirmed exactly why I didnt want her to go in the first place! This is my family reunion, not a disneyland trip for his daughter. I want him to be there for me, and not turn my reunion into a personal tour for her! How did this thing end up being about her after all, the main thing I was trying to avoid!!?
I was so upset when my brother told me that. Of course, my brother didn't see the big deal and was on my husbands side, but he isn't in my shoes day to day and doesnt get how it is I feel. Now that I know the real reason, I am happy that just my son and I are going. Am I wrong to feel this way and to not include SD? I feel 2nd to her in my own home. I decided that I wasn't going to feel that way on my own reunion trip.
She for sure isnt, but
She for sure isnt, but neither is my husband. He has yet to tell me that was the reason, but had no issues telling that to my brother.
Just some random
Just some random comments:
That schedule sucks. The schedule means YOU, because apparently your husband is not doing any of the school pick up or making of dinner and I'll bet you do the homework supervision, getting together clothes, laundry and inumerable other daily tasks, and then kid goes off to Mom for a fun weekend. It's a crazy schedule, it means Dad never gets a fun weekend plus it means you never get a break from the boring real life.
Then to swap the schedule... ugh. Normally NCP's take the kid 6 weeks or something, so yeah I agree skid should go to BM's for at least 2-3 weeks.
About the reunion... well I can see both sides. SD lives with you fulltime and has for 3 years now. Your husband probably feels that you are the mom, he is the dad and the kids are the 'family' kids. Of course your own child will go, this is his family despite divorce, remarriage. Your extended family probably also has expectations that you will bring SD. But you don't want to bring her because you have all these underlying feelings and problems in your relationship with your husband, which you probably don't want played out in front of your family.
I would think, based on nothing more than my family's reunions, which are about every 5 years, that you would be too busy visiting and talking with your family members for you and DH to really be together much more than opening introductions. Somehow the ladies always seem to end up in the kitchen or by the lake while the guys do something different. So I guess I'm saying that DH wouldn't really be paying a lot of personal attention to you anyway.
One good thing you've got going for you is his local family. Hit up some of those family members to keep SD and figure out something to do with your son and plan a weekend getaway for just you and DH. All couples need some time away from kids and jobs and everyday life to reconnect. That might be just the ticket, which maybe you can even cut a deal with DH about it. SD goes to the reunion but you and he go to a lovely bed and breakfast for a weekend in which no kids are involved.
Thanks. DH gets home around
Thanks. DH gets home around the time Im cooking. So he is there for the prep of dinner. Although I cook the most, he will cook at least once week, sometimes twice, depending on what I have going on. Kids do most homework after school, so by the time I get them and we get home, they are finishing up homework, which is usually around the itme I start dinner. Since DH is home by then, he checks her homework and does everything else related to her. I then do the same for my son. That is of course, when he's home. He spends 1-2 night/week with his dad. Once dinner is done, they have about an hour of free time together, in which they usually play together or watch a program on TV, then bed time.
As far as us time, I make arranegemnts for my son all the time, more so than DH does with his daughter. Usually, if he has her, then we are just as*ed out. And the majority of the time that we do things alone (us time), Ive planned it.
I am afraid I would find it
I am afraid I would find it hard to justify that SD is not invited.
I completely understand your frustration with her and especially that your DH seems to put her first in his decisions.I also understand that you don't want her to come, this is only human and most of us can totally relate:)
However, just imagine this would happen the other way around........We as parents always wear pink glasses, so naturally we see our own kids as less of a hassle, more independent and easier to be around.I find that usually applies to the dads and as well to the moms.So, it is natural that SD sucks much more to you than she would to SO.(Of course I suspect that she is a disney dad's kid with a princess attitude, so please don't assume I say she doesn't suck:))))Anyway, the point is that if he would have a family party and would exclude your son because he feels disturbed of him, you would probably upset, right?And it would be not a good thing to happen in the marriage, too.
For that reason I would try to take the kid along, too.At the same time DH needs to understand that life doesn't revolve around SD and that he needs to put his marriage first!!!!!!!
My thinking is that its
My thinking is that its summer and she will be with her mom. So its not normal for me to pull her from her schedule. I nevet have. She should be with her mom in the summer.
awh I get it.I thought she
awh I get it.I thought she was with you.No, I think to drag her away from her mum to join into that event would make no sense.I wonder why SO is expecting that to happen then.
Yes, me too. The summer is
Yes, me too. The summer is the time when she should be with her mom and her side of the family and doing whatever activities they have going. Instead, he feels I should be including her in my trip, when Im making plans based on her not even being with us. And he has yet to even tell me the real reason why he doesn't want to go. He only mentioned this to my brother because my brother asked. That was 2 weeks ago. You would think he'd at least address is and let me know, as opposed to appearing as though he just isnt interested in going or supporting me.
I know what it feels like to
I know what it feels like to be in a relationship with someone who makes his kids the center of his universe. I don't blame you at all and I would've done the same thing. Go with your son and have a blast. Go on a separate trip with just you and dh.
I can totally relate to your
I can totally relate to your situation, my DH always puts SD first before everything... at times it's VERY frustrating! I also understand what you mean about SD taking all of DH attention when ever she's around, again so frustrating! If you don't want to get into it over this issue then just you and your son go. If it means so much to you to have him there address that with him and address how when SD around she takes all his attention. That will need to be addressed delicately, as I'm sure he will be defensive about SD and get mad at you for thinking that ( at least that's how it would go if i brought it up with my DH) It does sound like your underlying issue is you and DH need quality time together. I would nicely sit DH down and tell him you love him, and miss time alone with him. You may be able to segway into that you thought this trip would be a good time for that, explain that its your sons family and there will be lots of opportunities for son to be left with family members while you're there and you and DH can get away.... seriously we should be friends on here, our situations sound so similar! it's tough!
Its sad that I even have to
Its sad that I even have to mention anything to him. Once I asked him to come with me, that should've been it. He knew I really wanted him to go because I asked him a few times. But I swear, he is so concerned with his daughter all the times, that he cant look at this as just a chance to spend some time with me. Im just tired of it. I feel like I am quicker to make arrangements when it comes to my son, in effort to have some time with my husband than he is. And yes, we should be friends on here! I completely sympathized with you yesterday in regards to your husband and the time off from work! I would not only expect him to take time off, I would demand it and be pissed if he even thought twice of NOT doing so. Im glad that worked out, I really am. That wouldn't have worked out too good for him had he made a different choice.
really i think that men are
really i think that men are just stupid when it comes to women... we need to sit them down and simply tell them what it is we need. i totally understands what you mean, you brought this up a couple times therefore he should just understand how important it is to you! but their brains don't work that way, you have to literally spell it out for him. " this means a lot to me. will you please come with us?" "i would like it if sd stays with her bm because while we are there i have family that will watch my son so you and i can spend some alone tone together" "i understand you want to bring sd and turn this into a family trip that revolves around her (maybe leave that part out he he) but this isn't the right time for that, we can plan that for a different time".
have you guys talked about this again?
my dh is the same freakin way with sd, i always thought it was because he doesn't have her all the time, but your dh has her a lot and is still this way!!! so maybe it's not about the amt of time its the guilt they feel? does dh feel guilty that sd parents aren't together? were they ever married? why are they like this?
Your DH sounds as frustrating
Your DH sounds as frustrating as mine. Try the "shiny things" approach. Offer a trip with he and her separately. Wherever, you know one those dreadful theme parks and book yourself in for a manicure and pedicure or find a coudh and a good book in the lobby. The when he seems happy explain how important it is to get away together to your family do because you are so proud of him and want to show him off.
Just an idea.
I am too straight forward like you. it doesn't work.