Acceptance
Give a little background me and my fiance have recently gotten back together in December, we were split for almost 2 years before that. She has a son by another, I have a daughter by another. I'm 23, and my daughter is 5, she's 21 and her son is 4. When we were first together everything was great, btu a lot of things changed towards our 1 year, and we fell apart. I broke it off, not in the best way but it seemed neccessary at the time (no adultery or anything just a bad breakup.)
Our kids were young then, now that they're older and have experienced other things it's become exttremely difficult. Both our children act completely different from what they used to. Her son used to always listen to his mother and behave generally well. Now he is so concerned with what she's doing that he aggravates her every minute of the day, when she doesn't give him his way he screams at her and hits her, until recently she's let it all slide. My daughter is the same way, the kids fight with each other at some point each day, they play together well, unless me and their mother (step-mother) are around.
The issue that has come up recently is my step-son doesn't see me as a father, doesn't see me as anything and generally hates me, my daughter, my family, and us all living together. He's only seen his real father perhaps 3 times in his entire life, he adores him, even though he's the scum of the earth and makes no effort to see his son or have anything to do with him, he never has. Yet my step-son loves him more than anything. He constantly talks about wanting to be at his dads (still lives at home with hitler parents,) or with my fiance's mother (equally a trashy specimen.)
It has gotten so bad that me and my fiance are constantly arguing. Everyday she reminds me of how unhappy he is and all I do is find ways to punish him, to blame others for every problem in this relationship when she wants the blame to fall on me. I've tried, I still try everyday to bond with him, we all do things together and try to have fun, but he wants nothing to do with me whether his mother is around or not all he talks about is her holding him like a baby. I'm at my wit's end and have nowhere and noone to turn to on the subject as I've done all that can come to mind to try and bond with him as well as keep my own bond with my daughter strong and healthy.
His unhappiness and my "one-sided" way of treating the children, always favoring mine over hers and in her words doing anything for her and just constantly punishing him, has brought the relationship pretty much to an end. I love them very much, as much as my own. I want the rest of my life with them, but this isn't working. The arguments and what they're about. It breaks my heart to hear her say I'm nothing to him, then the next day she want's to talk about marriage a new house and those sorts of things. Then it's back to me being selfish, and an a*hole. Is this going to get any better? What do I do to have a little more acceptance from him, and her?
Do YOU think it's going to
Do YOU think it's going to get any better?
Please sit down and do some serious soul-searching. These children are very young. You have a long, long, long road ahead of you.
Putting yourself aside, how will your daughter fare by growing up in such an environment?
You ask, "What do I do to have a little more acceptance from him, and her?"
The honest answer: There ain't a damn thing you can do. Period.
I know he isn't old enough.
I know he isn't old enough. I'm not even forcing anything on him. Until she starts mentioning how I'm not his real dad and all the other things she likes to throw down, it hurts me that I don't even appear like that to them.
I've told her several times he picks up on her feelings that he hears what she says to me, how she acts to me and that's what he feels. Yeah he's his own person but when it comes down to it he looks up to her and idolizes the things she does. She's gotten better about not giving into his brattiness but there's a lot left to do there.
My daughter's mom left when she was 5 months old, she sees her on occasion but doesn't really care for her. She just had another kid a couple days ago so I figure the visits will stop soon anyways. She tells my fiance all the time she wants her to be her mommy and tries to be good and do fun things but if she even calls her mommy my step-son throws down and turns into muhammad ali and starts boxing my daughter. It drives me crazy because I've raised her up to not hit anyone, and even now when I tell her if he does to do it back she won't because she's afraid of getting into trouble. But I can't just let my little girl get beat up cause he wants to be a brat. She's been fine without anyone, but she loves these people as much as I do.
I want nothing more than for this to get better but anytime it does it seems to knock back down to ground zero. She's lived a hard life, her dad wouldn't come around because of her mother and her mother was about as skanky as you can get they never knew what dad was, never had a stable home, or even food, her, her sister and brother were abandoned for about 4 months when they were pre-teens while her mom run off with her current husband. Honestly I don't think she's sound psychologically, and I've tried to look for help tried to help her understand and see the reason in why I see things the way I do, but anytime I do she denies everything, blows up on me and rants about how selfish and great I think I am, like a mr. know it all. Day's will pass, she'll go see her mom or her son's dad than realize i'm not that bad. Just like now. We had the night to ourselves last night, spent the entire time at war having this argument that I'm explaining now. Saying her son misses her mom and he wants to stay there forever, then she calls me a little bit ago saying he doesn't want to be there he wants to come home. I don't know if he's like her and needs to see to believe, but even though that works they always forget what they seen.
I thank ya'll for your replies. I'm so lost and confused on what to do. I want things to get better but don't know what to say or do. I don't want to ride it out because I'm afraid of losing them again.
Jeeze give this relationship
Jeeze give this relationship up. It wasn't meant to be and never will be.
You two gave it the college try and its now a dead issue - you two are just kicking a dead horse.
^ this ^
^ this ^