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Staying to prove everyone wrong

Wolfey's picture

Submitted by Wolfey on Tue, 06/12/2012 - 1:23pm

I was in a therapy session the other day,yes,the situation was so traumatic i need therapy to recover. lol

While at therapy i realized the last couple years of the marriage was all about my need to prove to everyone we could make it.So BM didn't win. So exSD didn't win. So exMIL didn't win.

I wonder how common this is among stepparents.We usually know most everyone is against our presence yet we still keep going and going. Living in denial about how much resentment we harbor toward spouse/SO,pushing away the cold hard facts that we really would like to ship the skids off with BM and never see any of them again,and many other things.

It became less about the fact that I loved the man and wanted to be with him and more about how much i wanted to show everyone they couldn't be so evil and win.I wanted "good" to triumph over "evil" and I was going to prove it by sticking to the marriage and forcing my way through the crap.

I'm still trying to make peace with the fact that they got what they wanted when I left.

Comments

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Tue, 06/12/2012 - 1:28pm

I think my dad did this for about 15 years with my first stepmom. The bloom was WAY off the rose but he was too prideful to leave.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Tue, 06/12/2012 - 1:31pm

Oh gawd, more common than you think. Not just us steps but the bio too.

DH once said, when I was at the end of my rope with everything, "If you leave now, BM will have gotten what she wanted. Are you going to let her win?"

I looked at him and said, "It's not like I win by staying and being miserable so who the hell cares if she thinks she won."

That got him off his butt to take everything even more seriously.

But yes, occasionally I go through periods of it--more that "I already have everything she wants and will never be able to achieve... but... what if I don't want these things and just want my freedom?"

Winning never made me "happy." I can tell you that much.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Tue, 06/12/2012 - 1:38pm

>>>>>>>>>Once I took the pressure off myself, I was able to finally enjoy my relationship, and it became more about him and I, rather than, BM and I.

And that is a GREAT place to be, isn't it?

Once I stopped caring what BM thought of my relationship with DH (and with SS for that matter) things became much more natural and easy.

aniQ's picture

Submitted by aniQ on Tue, 06/12/2012 - 2:06pm

I feel like I'm there. I'm just staying to prove everyone that I could do this. How wrong of me...

Wolfey's picture

Submitted by Wolfey on Tue, 06/12/2012 - 2:09pm

the wakeup call came when i started fantasizing exH was dead just so i didn't have to deal with feeling emotionally abused by him,exSD,and the rest of the crew.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Tue, 06/12/2012 - 3:15pm

Yep, I couldn't agree more. I sure did this for many years. Thankfully, after 13 freaking years of constant stress, it has finally paid off. I know it pisses them off to no end to know we have moved on and just cut them out of our lives.

PS - last time I ran into his sister, it was a club/restaurant owned by some of our friends...her BOYFRIEND (now husband) was hitting on me and she almost puked when she saw who he was hitting on lol I just cracked up and walked away.

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Tue, 06/12/2012 - 3:31pm

I stayed with my exh for 4 years trying to prove that I did not make a mistake. I knew I did but I was not going to admit it!

ctnmom's picture

Submitted by ctnmom on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 8:17am

My Mom is in this. She WILL NOT GET DIVORCED AGAIN. All her siblings have been married 100 years to the same person, I've been married to the same person for 29 years, and she just won't do it. Although nobody deserved a split more than her from my dad. (womanizer/drunk, God rest his soul).And nobody deserves a split more than her from my SDad, an alcoholic narcissist. She just keeps pretending. It matters a lot to her what her siblings think, the way I look at that? LIFE IS TOO SHORT. We only get one go-around.