I agree that it seems incredibly unfair for him to not consider sperm donation, while you're raising his children that he actually SHARES with another woman. Your child wouldn't really be another man's child. He'd be yours and your dhs. I think people get way too hung up on biology.

That said, could it be that he is weirded out about you having a baby inside you knowing it was conceived with another man's sperm. I think that is the difference. I wouldn't be too angry with him if this is why he is creeped out. My dh and I had to make big decisions on a lot of this stuff and even though he has a child with Lazy McCrazy, I think the thought of me carrying a child that was with another man's sperm bothered him (though he wasn't against it, if it made me happy). I don't think it was so much once the kid arrives, but the pregnancy that bothered him.

We did IVF several times. Spent a buttload of money and the only thing we had to show for it was trauma and grief (we lost an infant). We eventually adopted and we're both absolutely in love with the little guy.

Well, this won't be popular, but what he's saying makes A LOT of sense.

Think about it.
How many posters on here don't want to raise/be responsible for someone else's child? Is it hard to understand DH's position now?
Also, the child would be biologically YOURS but not HIS. Some people this wouldn't bother; it would bother your DH.

I know many people who've adopted and I think it's very honorable. I also think, given your situation, if you don't opt for a VAS reversal, that adoption is the only option that will keep you and your DH on a 'level' playing field. Now, the down side (and only you can decide how big this is) is that with adoption you won't be pregnant. You won't have those experiences.

Best of luck. This is a big decision.

I wonder if the comment may also rub you wrong because he's had the experience of being a father but doesn't think about the fact he's denying you the experience of pregnancy and motherhood?

My husband and I (who are far too old to have even been having this conversation but for some reason we both got baby cravings at the same time) had a similar discussion about a year or so. He too had a vasectomy after his second was born. I've got one bio but I actually wanted the pregnancy experience WITH HIM (gee, what's it like to be pregnant with a man who is supportive and wants the child and is looking forward to being a daddy!?) We started researching sperm donor facilities and discovered you could do a search on donors based on ethnicity/eye/hair/skin tone and even religion.

Damned shame your hubby didn't put some juice on ice when he had the procedure done. Tubal ligation compared to vasectomy is a more dangerous procedure, it's invasive whereas a vasectomy is an outpatient job.

If he's game for the reversal go for it! From what I've read it's in the $10,000 range (not that much money considering the costs of something like a half baked kitchen reno) and with new microsurgical techniques much higher success rates. Since the discussion is academic you can start putting aside some money now and reassess your feelings in a year or so *shrug*

Going through almost the same thing as you. Only my DH agrees about the sperm donor idea. Adoption is costly, all the less to have to give to the child when he/she arrives, & you do not know what your going to get. Don't mean to offend anyone but adoption is your best friend or your worst enemy in my opinion. Something you may want to consider, have a foster child or two. We know a couple who has foster kids in & out of their home but they fell in love with this at the time 4 year old girl. She loved them too, was unable to return to her birth parents & they did an official adoption. Much cheaper & you get the chance to live with the kid before adopting him/her if he/she is available for adoption.

We think that we are going to find a sperm donor & use a turkey baster. DH will be the one getting me pregnant, has your DH thought about it that way? You are entitled to have children of your own if that is your wish & you are physically able. Maybe my husband needs to chat with your husband.. My husband has two, severed fixed, & I have no bio kids of my own either. He got his chance & we deserve ours.

I don't know... I'd think if I was in your DH's shoes, I'd like to have a child (if the reversal fails) with at least SOME of my wife, the love of my life's, DNA in... At least he wouldn't have a BF to deal with like you have to deal with BM, and for all intents and purposes, it would be like adopting, only it would have some of your DNA.

This is such a personal issue. I would guess that it has more to do with the fact that some other man's sperm will be inside you.

I'm infertile, you can go to my blogs for an update on my situation.

It's an awful experience. My dh has also had a vasectomy and I am in premature menopause. I have no eggs. I recently learned there is a procedure where they can cut into a man's sperm sac and remove them, without a vasectomy reversal. I don't know if you have to do IVF for this to work though.

My option with IVF is opposite of yours. I would need a donor egg from some other woman and that was just a really weird feeling to me. Having some other woman's egg mixed with my husband...just felt weird can't really describe why at the moment.

We had experienced a failed adoption, it was a private one and neither one of us were eager to pursue that route anytime soon. If you go with adoption I say go with an agency and look for one who doesn't charge extra if the adoption fails. This is a GREAT option and is 100% successful if you stick with it. No other option offers you that result!

We decided to go with embryo adoption. This is a left-over embryo from another couples IVF cycle. I had my transfer last Thursday and I took a home pregnancy test last night and it was positive! This is called a donor frozen embryo transfer (FET). The odds are not stellar, about 35% at our clinic (numbers vary from clinic to clinic) result in a live birth. But neither one of us are biologically related to this baby. My dh was a little weirded out by the idea of it being someone else's baby in me, but by the time it got to me it was it's own person, and he came round to the idea pretty quickly after that. Esp. once I tried to explain it like it was no different then the little adopted baby we spent 3 days with just adopting her when she was an embryo instead of a baby. And that nobody but God can take this baby away from us.

This is such a personal journey. I wish you the best. It's hard realizing you won't ever have a bio child, there is a real grieving process that you have to go through. I hope you and your dh come to a decision that you can both be happy about!

As a male I believe I understand his feelings although I think its very immature. He doesn't like the idea of another mans sperm being 'ejaculated' into you even if it really doesn't work that way and the sperm is already in the re-inserted egg.

So - perhaps if you explain that the donated sperm is injected into a egg harvested from you and the mating of sperm and egg is done in a lab. Only the egg is inserted into your womb. Maybe he'll buy into that. Confirm this is how it will be done. It's expensive and often fails.

I have to agree that with too many children already around why not adopt? But be very careful - some of these kids come from whacko, insane, drug using people and the kids can be really messed up. Consider adopting from a unwed mother who wants to give up the child on birth. You can spend time with her while pregnant and will be expected to pay her expenses which are not likely to be covered by insurance.