couples counseling failed miserably- now what?
I went to my first counseling session a few weeks ago, completely overwhelmed with my world as a mom, wife, step mom, FT employee etc. and pretty quickly, the therapist, who is also a step mom, suggested that DH and I come to therapy togehter. DH and I have experienced our own troubles over time and he agreed to go to my next session to see how we could make things better.
Our first session was yesterday, and it was a miserable failure.
First, we were supppoed to go together. He was going to pick me up from work. He was late, as usual, and I couldn't reach him. I tried his cell phone 3 times, left him a message that I was on my way and I'd meet him there. I hate to be late, get tired of waiting for him since he's late all the time, wasn't sure if he was able to show up anyway and think it's really, really rude to be late- so I went on my own.
So he arrives 20 minutes late, ticked off because I wasn't there to navagiate, he had to park 3 blocks away and I "should have called his OTHER cell phone", which is usually never on. He shows up crabby, defensive and angry at me that "I abandoned him because I left on my own and that was not our agreement."
We have the session, start to lay a few items out. I get some advice, we explain our positions, yada yada.
The therapist tried to "reframe" some of the things he said, both to clarify what he meant and to explain her position, I think. I was there and didn't think it was a big deal. After all, we're paying her to give us advice, and call us out if our thinking isn't where is should be.
He completely shuts down during the session, answering in one sentence answeres and was actually, pretty rude. After the meeting, tells me how he doesn't like that he was "disrespected and corrected twice! I can't believe she did that!"
So I could chalk this up to a bad first experience but I don't think that another time or other therapist will help either. He moves his schedule at his own pace, no matter what, and since therapy isn't his idea and these are "my issues", it will never be top prioirity (that's a whole other blog) AND he hates to be wrong, corrected, or perceived negatively at any time, so therapist feedback will be tough to swallow.
So back to me. Still drowning in all the stuff that lead me to scream "HELP" in the first place. What do I do? This website has been a great source of strength, but I need more. I know that I can fix my perceptions, how I react and manage myself and think I should do some more reading on blended families, step parenting etc. What books do you recommend? Classes to take? I'm going to keep working on the therapy part, at least for me, and maybe I should just locate a frying pan for the DH... What would YOU do?
- littlegrlzx4's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I think it's too soon to call this a failure.
sounds like he didn't like what the counselor said but what she said to him is what he needs to understand.
I am inclined to believe that he was late ON PURPOSE that he didn't answer his phone ON PURPOSE and that he had his other phone on ON PURPOSE just to sabotage the session.
I guess if it were me I'd chew him a new a**hole, but in all my relationships, none of my men would DARE to act that way with me.
Sorry.
I think I need to tone down what I said
It's just that sometimes I read posts here and and amazed by what some of you people put up with.
You do need some kind of counseling with or without your husband.
I recall a book I read when I was 20 or so called Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them.
I was at that point dating a guy who fit many guys described in that book. Long story short, that relationship ended.
I think you deserve better, like so many women here.
Fix you first....
figure out what you need to make YOU better. I suggest that you continue your therapy appointments and try excercise or Yoga? Maybe volunteer?
I did all of the above and once I started living my life for me rather than DH and all his BS - that's when I started to work on OUR relationship with a clear mind. DH respects what I have to say because I'm not a raving mad woman anymore.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Again I agree with CG
Go without him if he is being an a$$. You can't control his feelings or actions, only your own. Go for you own peace of mind.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Not Failure Yet
1st victory he went. As a marriage counselor myself and yes, counselors need counseling - I know that the first sessions are fueled with blame and accusation. It's the therapist's job to find the common ground to build on. Don't be so quick to throw the towel in. Even as the other ladies said, if in the end he stops going, you continue to go for your own well being. A lot of men have a hard time admitting there is a problem because they don't want to face failure or that they have failed - pride. Men like this are success and accomplishment driven, accepting counseling forces them to admit that they need help. Macho macho men -- Mr. Superhero that wanted to be Superman when he grew up has to admit that he's weak and needy. This is not the time to emasculate him. Choose your battles carefully. Don't fight about the counseling. When and if he goes - even if he's late - it's progress and deal with the real issues that the therapist is there to help with. Always keep in mind why you married him and why you are both in counseling.
All the best to you.
My husband THINKS...
he's superman. Has the shirt and everything. What can I do about THAT?
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Believe it or Not...
his ego has to be fed. I know you didn't want to here that.:) Geniune compliments go a long away. Many over-achievers suffer from low self-esteem, very insecure and are wounded easily. The superman facade is a front for the weakness inside that they are afraid someone will find out.
No offense to men on the site - I have great love and respect for men but like any great animal trainer teaches us - like dolphins for instance, they feed them when they do something right. Human nature, not just men learn best when they are complimented and rewarded. Lots of patience and love goes a long way. There is a re-training that we all need when you have relationships with someone because we can be so different. Men and women are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo different. The needs are the same but how they fulfill those needs are different.
Tell him you're my superman. He has to learn to be vulnerable in your arms.
Book: men are from mars and women are from venus -- Excellent.
do you know my DH?
toomuch, you've just described my husband in about 2 sentences. It was a 2 year discussion to get him to go, hates to admit there's any problem at all, esp if it has anything to do with him. Perfectionist, overacheiver and paperthin ego. AND, a superman shirt