Some times I really HATE HIM! VENT (little O/T).
I brought up the topic of hiring a doula to the ass hole I'm married to tonight. His response "No. I am not paying someone to babysit you."
Then he went on a rampage about me not having faith in him and blah blah blah.
Tired to explain that it has nothing to do with having faith in him, but how is he going to be there fully and take care of me when he is distracted and looking after SD? He has other responsibilities, and I deserve to be cared for and supported just as much as any other laboring woman! Who is going to be the one left alone? ME. Who is going to have to get through this supper stressed because I am going to have to deal with him and SD, with no support? ME. Who is dreading what should be one of the most exciting days of my life? ME.
But I'm not worth a "babysitter".
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Is it national asshole day
Is it national asshole day for these men or something? I'm pretty pissed with my SO right now too.
And he just came in, got his
And he just came in, got his pillow, and stormed out of the bed room. Guess its the couch tonight! Is that supposed to make me feel bad?
OMG - after TRYING to sleep
OMG - after TRYING to sleep last night on a sliver of the bed that DH left for me - the sliver which is the part of the mattress that is too big and hangs over the box spring - I would have LOVED for him to sleep on the couch. Hell, *I* should have slept on the couch!!
i wish we had a "like" button
i wish we had a "like" button on here
Because he wants her there,
Because he wants her there, and refuses to find a sitter. So guess who is going to be spending nights alone in the hospital too, because he wont find somewhere for her to go?
^^^This FLOORED me. Still
^^^This FLOORED me.
Still tearing up from it.
ha ha - I just spit my coke
ha ha - I just spit my coke out!Love it!!
Well, DH is NEVER there and
Well, DH is NEVER there and NEVER takes care of me when I need him to... so going on history, I'm going to take a leap and say this is no different. It takes too much of his precious time.
ALSO, I have made several compromises with him for his comfort and security (agreeing to go to the hospital etc). He has already started "well why don't you just have an epidural and blah blah blah). A relaxed natural birth is very important to me. Basically I need someone who will be there, advocate and fight for me to NOT have the interventions I do not want (he would be all for whatever makes the process faster).
I do not have a mother (she has passed away) and no close family or friends (we just moved across the country in Sept). I would like to have the experience and guidance of someone who's values about this process are more inline with mine.
As far as hiring someone to watch SD... he wants her there. Another compromise I had to make.
Your Lamaze classes... I had to go BY MY SELF, because he would not hire a sitter. Everything in this pregnancy has been done BY MY SELF. I guess I should not have expected birth to be any different.
Please see my above reply. If
Please see my above reply. If DH would be there, they I would not be requesting a Doula. The fact of the matter is he wont be. It's about HIM and what HE thinks should be done, rather than ME bringing a baby into the world.
Actually I was on my way out the door when we found out about our little gift. I should have left any way.
Thank you.
Thank you.
But to him, it is more
But to him, it is more important to have her there. And he does not see where the distraction will be in keeping an 11 year old entertained for how many hours. She is NOT to enter my hospital room while I am laboring, but he refuses to have someone watch her.
Well, I agree with option
Well, I agree with option two, but fixing that is going to have to wait until after DD gets here bc I can not deal with any more stress. That does not mean I'm not entitled to have a support person.
I never told him to go take a
I never told him to go take a hike. I told him I wanted this as a way to reduce the stress on both of us... so he would be able to focus on SD and not have to worry about me. Tried getting into how a doula does not replace him, but it fell on deaf ears.
Wait a minute-all of a sudden
Wait a minute-all of a sudden your concerned abotu his feelings, even though he has shown by his lack of support through pregnancy, classes, birth choices, etc...but you should be worried about HIS FEELINGS? REALLY? Who's giving birth again?
A stranger?? OH COME ON, a doula is a paid professional, DOULAS are actually quit common and widely accepted to hire for support and help, especially in these times of 'quick to intervention' drs and hospitals only worried about lawsuits. How on earth tell me is this PAINFUL for him to hear? That's just bullshit.
How many women chose their mothers/sisters/best friends there for support also? She doesn't have that, doulas can be extremel nurturing and caring and have experience.
I was there for my friend when she had her last baby-so was her ahole now ex boyfriend...he wasn't PAINED that she wanted me there with her. Please...he honestly probably doesn't really give a damn since his actions her pregancy have shown this-he honestly doesn't care of her desire for home birth, or have it just be them to get his full attention and support, he obviously thinks all of this is about him and sd. HIS PAIN? OMG are you really serious??
FACE IT, most men are worthless at childbirth lol- that is why through HISTORY (as you like to poitn out) women have used other women as support systems-it stops being about his feelings when this intervenes and she's makign all accomodations to suit HIS DESIRES when SHE is giving birth and it will be mostly HER experience. He's be selfish, cheap ass to boot.
To him it's not about feeling hurt, it's about the $ I think, and that he has to concede something to make HER feel secure and happy. His actions are reprehensible IMO.
Wow, I didn't really think
Wow, I didn't really think this would be such a controversial topic.
1) SD is going to be there bc DH WANTS her to be. If I say no, then I'm a bitch. The hospital is not going to let her sit alone in the waiting room for hours on end.
2) DH does not feel the same about childbirth that I do. He is an EMT and used to emergency situations. We wants quick and easy medical intervention. I, on the other hand, just want a peaceful quite room, as little in the way of monitors/crap as possible, no drugs or medication... as natural as I can have it.
In this day and age, a natural birth is something you have to fight for in the hospital. My focus should be on birth, not fending of Dr's and nurses.
3) If I had family that I could call (like a mom), I would in a heart beat. But I dont.
4) DH consistently treats me like 2nd class. My needs/wants always come last. I had to go to childbirth classes ALONE because he would not hire a sitter. I'm sick and puking my guts out, he goes surfing etc. It's not like he has a track record of actually being there for me.
Well, IMO her husband's
Well, IMO her husband's feelings wouldn't be hurt if he didn't INSIST upon SD being around the entire day. I think her point is that DH will be running around after SD because he REFUSES to get a sitter therefore, he isn't going to be there to support her. Which, in my opinion, is pretty shitty. If DH didn't want his feelings hurt, he should be more open to compromise. He is the one that insisted on SD being there (which OP compromised with), so now she is asking for a doula to pick up her DH's slack (which he will be slacking because he will be taking care of SD). If he didn't insist on SD being there, there would be no point in having a doula.
I don't feel sorry for DH. He should do what every other couple with kids-get.a.sitter. He can't have his cake and eat it too. OP needs his full undivided attention and support while laboring and he obviously won't be giving her that-he will be giving SD that.
OMG Echo you are PISSING ME
OMG Echo you are PISSING ME OFF!!! Have some damn respect for others choices and opinions on childbirth please!!
This is HER BODY, HER FIRST CHILD right? Whos' giving birth here, her or him???
I'm sorry but as someone who had an extremely UNSUPPORTIVE/MOSTLY absent now exh-then AH (ahole husband) during my second sons birth...I TILL THIS DAY remember how hurt and sad and lonely I felt. It STILL stings, I think this is one of the nails in the coffin moment.
Giving birth is supposed to be a beautiful, always remembered wonderful experience....I APPLAUD youbetheparent for wanting a natural birth.
If her husband isn't the supportive type (and he sounds like he absolutely isn't) then she SHOULD and CAN hire a doula because the ahole drs and nurses WILL push every single intervetion on her possible, and her 'dh' will not have her side-he will push her to 'just take this/that/epidural and be done with it'.
It's HER birth experience and body and she should hire whomever she damn wants F' his damn selfish misguided opinion.
All of a sudden a stepmom/new child -never not even in THIS moment, biggest moment of their lives can they be first in his life, first place-a moment to be shared between them. ALWAYS about these selfish ahole men and their previous children.
If I were the OP his HEAD would be off. I would sit down and tell him, you will hire a doula-and him and SD can visit ONCE YOU CALL THEM and are ready for them. You do not want them there unless it can be just him. This is almost unheard of-even parents in intact families have their kids watched by someone else (mostly).
She wants a drug and intervention free natural birth-her AH will not support her, he is selfish in demanding sd be there when mom isn't comfortable with it. I would hire the doula and not tell him when i'm in labor, her birth experience will be a million times better. TRUST ME on this-I lived it w/my ex and there WAS no skid involved. There is nothing more damaging then a shitty partner when in labor. NOTHING!
Another option-I would personally call bm or maybe his parents and tell them YOUR side and tell them you want this to be a private moment and you don't need the stress-tell your dh to get his head out of his ass, this is her birth experience, this isn't about HIM AND SD. F'in A, NOTHING IS SACRED when there are skids involved or remarriage?
(No subject)
You are being dismissive of
You are being dismissive of HER BIRTH experience OMG...how hypocritical can you get????
DAD is not giving birth, SHE IS. I'm sorry but until men slide a a baby out of uterus, they can make suggestions but bottom line it's MAKE MOM HAPPY here.
This is the only moment in life I think honestly though-the woman giving birth-HER OPINION and desires matter most above ANYBODY ELSE. YES ABSOLUTELY!!!!
This isn't a wedding day for both of them...she's shoving an 8lb baby that she carried for 9 months. SHE GETS TO CHOSE THE EXPERIENCE SHE WANTS-HE goes along for the ride and does the best to support his wife during this time.
SOmehow you're making this about him and SD. UNREAL!!!
OP, this is supposed to be an
OP, this is supposed to be an exciting time. It's stressful and there are so many things to think about.
I'm not sure if DH isn't actually going to be there or if he AND SD are going to be there... I think I got confused. Sorry.
I've had several children and even did it "natural." I agree with Echo in that women have been birthing forever, and I can see your DH's point. I can also see your point in that this is your first and you have no idea what to expect.
If it makes you feel any better, the maternity nurses are usually awesome. They will help you through delivery, tell you what to do and when, and have lots of experience. Given that there are usually two in the room plus the doctor, you may find that a doula isn't necessary.
I am confused, though, I thought doulas were used for birthing at home?
Typically Midwives do home
Typically Midwives do home birth (was my option A). Doulas are not medical professionals (midwives are). They can be used in home, but are more commonly found in the hospital setting. Here is a link to DONA international (the main certifying orginization) that explains in more detail:http://www.dona.org/mothers/
Doulas are used at
Doulas are used at hospitals-3little...other then me thinking you're re-incarnated here and have no bsns here overall...
dont' be dismissive of her birthing experience and choices.
SHE ALREADY KNOWS her AH will be unsupportive and not very present. I think it's SMART to hire a doula to help you since she can't have a female family member to have her back. Guys don't know much and she already said he wasn't supportive of her choice for natural childbirth.
First time mom. Do you have any clue the rates of interventions/leading to c-sections this country has because of dumb ass nurses following greedy drs requests??? They target MAINLY and mostly first time moms -even MORE so with unsupportive/half absent partners. She wants someone to fight for her rights when she's in pain and weak emotionally, someone to coach her through labor pains, birthing.
Doulas/mid-wives were present in MOST OF HISTORY OF CHILDBIRTH btw, since some see to pull the 'for all of history' crap out there.
I believe birth has been butchered in this country by the medical industry and misconceptions. We need a return of midwives, doulas, supportive husbands, friends.
This woman is smart enough to have done her research, know her odds of people prodding interventions she does NOT WANT, and realizes her best chance is to have a well trained doula for support. HE shuts up, pays for it, deal with it.
YEP....exactly. i was induced
YEP....exactly. i was induced I think about 3-4 days after my due date. Because 'my pelvis might be to narrow, baby is getting bigger, it's time'.
You know all the bullshit lines drs throw out there.
OH if I knew then what I knew now....it wouldn't have ended up a nighmare experience. Was better w/my 2nd but not intervention free either.
My SIL-they butchered hers w/my niece last year. And YES she ended up with a c-section.
NOW..to this I'll add I DID WARN HER, over and over about this AND my brother. She had elevated blood pressure (MANY WOMEN DO) but not dangerously high-then induced 3 weeks or so early, off and on for over 24hrs, c-section, horribel experience. She's scared shittless to have another kid? WHY?? Because drs did an unnecessary induction AND they didn't heed my advice on researching it and fighting against it either. But oh well.
I don't know that your SIL's
I don't know that your SIL's experience is the norm. I had toxemia my first pregnancy (high blood pressure), was induced 2 days after my due date, gave birth (vaginally) with no drugs, and was done from start to finish in 10 hours.
I think the only thing standard in child birth is that every experience is unique.
I didn't know that doulas
I didn't know that doulas were used at hospitals. I wasn't dismissing her choices. Not sure where you got that. ????
I think that BOTH parents should have a say in the birth experience. Last I checked, it took TWO people to conceive...unless it's with a donor in which case this would be a non-issue.
I don't feel strongly either way. Doula, no doula... I was just saying the nurses are usually very helpful.
As far as the rest of your first line, HUH?!?
I just want to say.....when
I just want to say.....when men start pushing 8 pound watermelons out of their peehole, then they are entitled to give their opinion on childbirth and what is needed and not needed.
Until that day comes, they need to STFU and let the actual PREGNANT woman handle it. So I would not be worried about my DH's fee-fees, I would be worried about ME and what I need.
Once you have kids, the days of being able to concentrate on only yourself are basically over, so take it while you can get it.
Wait a minute...you already
Wait a minute...you already changed your birth plan at home to accomodate HIM??? FIRST BIG MISTAKE...but done.
NOW he wants to insist on having SD THERE??? AND DEMAND you don't hire a DOULA to support your efforts at natural chidlbirth?
You already said you went to LAMAZE ALONE! This man is an inconsiderate selfish dickhead.
I honestly would stick to my guns and boot them both out, trust me he'll be useless to you and you might resent him more if he IS there. Screw what he thinks-this man does not care about you and your needs or feeligns or wellbeing at all.
BE A BITCH, tell him when he squeezes a kid out he can do it HIS way and have SD massage his back while he pushes. YUCK!
WTF ever....personally I would go back and do EXACTLY what you planned for your first birth.
If I ever did it over again, I would LOVE a home birth, instead they butchered my birth experience, I was the LUCKY one who after 28hrs of induced labor, complications, episiotomy, post partum hemorrage and pains, but hey I avoided the c-section by exactly 20 mins. GO WITH YOUR GUT.
If your gut says HOME, do it at home, if your gut says you will need support, hire the doula. I hate this for you but sounds to me you are in this on your own. His actions now speak loudly-YOU and your child will be second rate/best it seems. You may not want that the rest of your life. I'm sorry you are going through this!! Sending you a big hug!
Youbetheparent...it is still
Youbetheparent...it is still not too late to leave. You said yourself that your DH has not been supportive for your entire pregnancy. That will not change when you go into labor. That will not change after you have your baby.
You will, in essence, be a married single-mom. Wouldn't you rather be on your own if you have no true spouse anyway?
Gee, things certainly have
Gee, things certainly have changed haven't they? I had 3 kids. NONE with drugs. NOT by choice, in the 80's, when I had my first 2 kids they steered away from drugs. In the 90's when I had my 3rd, I have no idea why I didn't get the drugs, they kept saying, yes they're coming to give you the shot but no one ever showed up. It's all very hazy to me. And I'm sorry ladies, as beautiful as some of you would like to envision your childbirth, there is really not much beauty involved. It hurts more than anything you can describe, you can hardly even breathe from how painful it is, chances are you won't remember much because you'll be in a daze from the damn pain. My EX's were in my deliveries, they held my hand. Which was all they were good for. They cut the cord, wooptydoo... I think the OP has bigger problems than hiring someone to help ease her pain during delivery somehow, her DH sounds like a self serving asshole and honestly, I'd have ALL his bags packed as soon as the stitches from my vajayjay were healed. You're better off alone than with bad company. IMHO of course.
Yeah, frees him up to be up
Yeah, frees him up to be up SD's ass. Ughhh He knows there are benefits. He doesn't really care because he seems cheap and selfish. I stand by OP should stand up for herself.
NOrmally I agree a couple should discuss things on parenting, compromise on wedding plans, etc.
ChildBIRTH??? is done by ONE person. The husband is there for support. This is NOT ABOUT HIM, OR SD.
It's about a woman in labor and her unborn child. It's THEIR day, and DADS if he can support his wife's experience.