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Dh doesn't feel that "paternal" connection

3xmom's picture

Submitted by 3xmom on Sun, 02/19/2012 - 5:57pm

After the responses to my last question, I'm curious how many Dh's or NCP don't feel that connection with their kids from their previous marriage. He has a great relationship with our sons, of course that may be the male bonding

It didn't use to be that way. In fact I watched his youngest until she entered school and then always on holidays or breaks I watched them for the BM. I started with the youngest when she was two, although that sweet little baby I used to watch isn't there anymore. After my DH went thru treatment for stage 4 cancer in 05 all the little extras we always dished out for pretty much stopped. That's also when his girls stopped contacting or being involved in his life until the oldest had her baby and she has reconnected and been quite courteous and respectful. He just doesn't feel that connection like he does to our children or the way he used to with his daughters. I wonder if it's easier for men to disconnect from their children when the PASing and distance has been continually ongoing. I wonder how many men out there are in marriages with children and don't know it but those children aren't really theirs....

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12yrstepmonster's picture

Submitted by 12yrstepmonster on Sun, 02/19/2012 - 7:18pm

Dh always says that our dd is his only chance at being a parent and being able to instill his values into a child.

He was very coonected to SS but something happened last year- could be his age but ss has little to do with dh. SD was about the same age. With SD he forced visitation. Now he's tired of hearing how much his house is hated.

I think it takes a special CP to maintain the relationship between a NCP and a child.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Sun, 02/19/2012 - 7:39pm

DH just said the other day that aside from his oldest son, who he has always has custody of, he feels more connected to our bio daughter together than he does to either of his daughters from previous marriages.

He has custody, but SD9 is at her mom's 3 weekends a month, during our down time. During the week, he works. Basically he feels like he has all the responsibility of raising her, and BM2 has all the fun.

SD5 is here week on week off. The week she is with her mom she turns into an entitled brat. When she comes back DH is always trying to undo the damage. In a lot of ways it's just more peaceful when she isn't here. She's an only child at her mother's house, so she has a hard time being one of six when she is here. As her mom puts it "Rules and structure aren't really her thing."

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Sun, 02/19/2012 - 10:22pm

It's very sad, but true. DH had a strong connection to his daughter until she was about 12 and idiot EX allowed her to skip school, go out with boys, have boys spend the night, etc...when he tried to talk to his daughter, crazy witch always told daughter to tell him that he wasn't there living with her so it wasn't his business...as time progressed, it went to "f#$%#$% you ahole, you are a f#$%$% loser" anytime he tried to tell either crazy witch or daughter that she should be going to school, not dating/going out and spending the night with boys, not dressing like a hoochie, etc...after last year when his daughter completely told him off, got pregnant, stopped going to school, DH has really disconnected. He now says the same as your DH, that he really has no connection to her and that he is much more connected to our son.

It's really sad that this happens to these kids. Unfortunately, it happens. The crazy ex's complain to everyone how the fathers "abandon" their kids, etc...but they never tell everyone how they have messed up those kids brains with lies and how THEY actually contributed to that distance. They are so crazy that they WANT their kids to treat their fathers like crap, so that they look good and love them only, yet when the father's connection to the kid gradually gets washed away, they blame it on the ex, and never themselves or the disrespect that THEY have not only allowed, but expected from the kid to the father.

As the wife, it seems that it is always our fault this has happened. I think many of us think that it is OUR job as well to keep that connection, so that others don't say that it was BECAUSE of us that it happened...I learned a few years ago that really, it's NOT up to me to encourage that connection, but to the BM...and if she can't do her job, then it's NOT my job to do. At the end of the day, it would never be appreciated and the BM will just get worse, as we have seen many times when the smom tries to get the dad to have more parenting time, etc...go figure.

It's sad, but it is what it is. Not our kids, not up to us to foster that connection.