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New so it is going to me long sorry but I need help/ advice

Daisygirl's picture

Submitted by Daisygirl on Mon, 01/14/2008 - 11:51am

I have three step children, SD 15, SS 16, SS20 and no children of my own.

I am 40 and been wit my husband since I was 25 and while we have argued in the past about the kids and ex-wife, it never has gotten to the point that it is now. - A Wedge between us

I am at my wits end with the lack of appreciation and respect that come from my step kids and for some reason my husband seems to let it be and takes it.

I come from divorced parents, m dad did nothing for me ever and it upsets even hurts me to see all that Tim (and me) do for the kids and we are treated like this. I would have given anything for my dad to come watch play a sport, pick me up for dinner - hey pick up the phone and call me and Tim does it all and the kids take it for granted and almost make you feel like it is a chore to even have a conversation with you.

And my husband is the same, his dad bailed home out of things, bought him stuff once in awhile but had no relationship so he does the same and thinks by overcompensating it takes the place of him not being there etc but you can't buy their love and letting them treat you can't make him feel love or that he has a relationship with his kids.

And of course when I speak my mind because I can’t take anymore, I get from my husband you will never understand because you don’t have children. What does me not having any kids of my own have anything to do with showing some appreciation and respect?

Comments

Daisygirl's picture

Submitted by Daisygirl on Mon, 01/14/2008 - 2:00pm

How do I get my husband to understand how I feel ..

Conflicted's picture

Submitted by Conflicted on Mon, 01/14/2008 - 4:21pm

So what?

You still have feelings, a perspective, and should have a say.

BUT, I can understand where your DH is comming from, he feels badly about not being more involved with his kids, and I also see where you are comming from because logic tells you NOT to spoil kids in order to gain their love.

This is very hard but I really don't blame your DH for wanting to spoil the kids when he does have them; however there should be a happy medium reached between yourself and DH.

Can the two of you sit down and discuss the issue and meet in the middle? Maybe put a cap on how much DH is allowed to spend?

ColorMeGone2's picture

Submitted by ColorMeGone2 on Tue, 01/15/2008 - 7:44am

I have the same problem (except I do have children of my own) and I feel the same way as you do sometimes. My husband says he understands but there does not seem to be a thing he can do about it. The every other weekend parent loses a lot of their influence over their children as my husband has found. I am not a shy person though or afraid to address my step-children if I feel like I have been slighted by them so I will speak to them directly and not ask my husband to do it. This is what works in my family but it works because my husband does see my point of view. The next time he says to you that you do not have children then maybe you should point out that he has never been a step-mother.

h7's picture

Submitted by h7 on Tue, 01/15/2008 - 8:11am

I'm a stepchild, not a step parent, but I might have a couple suggestions.

First of all, I have observed in families where teenagers start to distance themselves from & start ignoring their parents. They don't say thank you without being nudged & they don't acknowledge you. I'm not saying it's right & I do believe that should be corrected, but I am saying that it's normal teenage behavior, so please don't take it so personally from them. This will help you.

Second, I've heard all my life that I don't understand. In hindsight, I have understood much more than others gave me credit for. In fact, it seems to me that most of the times that people said that to me it was just to win an argument... it wasn't about understanding. So, me being the smart*ss that I am, when someone tells me that I don't understand I tell them to explain it to me. Usually I am shocked if people do, but that's when I gain the most insight about how they feel & what they are thinking.

I do believe you have a right to be respected. I also believe it's important to teach kids to have manners, because when they go out into the world they'll need them to be successful. Knowledge & education will take you far in life, but good manners will take you further. JMO.

Hipi

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.