My life is over at 27
This is my situation!!!
Met SO at work, he was married, I was in a relationship. i was 24, he was 39. He was over his marriage, 2 weeks later he asked for a divorce. We moved in 5 months after that. He has small kids (3,5 and 6). I thought no big deal because I didn't know any better. I didn't meet the kids until 1 year later. That entire year was golden, kids were awesome, I was a cool addition to their lives, we got along etc. To the end of that year, I became pregnant and went to visit my family for 5 weeks in another country. When I came back, it was like night and day. The kids were HORRIBLE. Screaming, hitting, no respect, sleeping in our bed, waking us up at 5am in the morning, teasing, dinner was a nightmare, going out was horrendous, we were being asked to leave places, spitting, jealous issues, non stop chaos.... within 3 months, I start wondering what the hell happen, I thought perhaps its the effects of the divorce but 2 years later? Lack of parenting from SO? The latter is the reason because he has been parenting out of guilt. Anyway I am not here to vent about his parenting specifically.
Now that my baby is here, I feel trapped. Had these kids shown this side before I got pregnant, I would have walked away from SO no question. But I can;t because of my son and SO is not dead beat partner, SO respect me, we now have zero issues with BM, the kids were a nightmare but are slowly getting better, SO understands how I feel about the kids/situation and offers tremendous support. He even told me that "he is surprised at my involvement during the first year, that given they were not mine, and it's hard to love another person's kids, he was happy that I was so engaged". Now that the kids are hard to handle, he is even more supportive stating that "he completely understands the situation and holds no ill feelings towards me being frustrated and will do whatever it takes to make the situation better"..GREAT right???
Except that the damage has already been done, my patience has run out and I have a short fuse. After dealing with them for a year in this capacity, them slowly (and I mean snail's pace) moving to be better is really taking too much of my energy and I resent having them in my life. I get anxious at the mere thought of them visiting and when they do, I want to just hide out. Their voices makes me cringe and I want no physical contact. I do not care to greet them at the door or say goodbye when they leave. The kids love being around me, doing projects and just conversing. Meanwhile I am looking for an exit and I resent my situation. I feel so selfish that even when things are good or days when they are behaving, I want nothing to do with them. It's so unpredictable how they act sometimes, what will happen when they become teenagers?? adults?? I worry, is this what I want for my life?
I want to move /ttravel, a fact SO knew before we got together, but now it seems impossible because of his responsibilties to his kids - Why should I wait until I am 40 to start living the life I want??? What about my son? I always wanted to be somewhat sure of the man I would have my kids with, that my kids would have a stable family environment. SO loves our son. He loves all his children. SO and I have a schedule where he takes our son one night and I the other, while the one off duty gets to sleep through. My situation is one where SO and I have made it possible for me to work from home, run my business and have 2 maids and yet he is still involved. WTF is wrong with me????
I am so selfish in many respects. I dream of only me, him and our son. How could I ask him to leave his kids and move across the land when I would move heaven and earth to be with my son. I feel I can never get with someone else if I did leave because I would not want to introduce someone like me and my thoughts to my son.
I can't help feeling so trapped at 27, if I leave, I do wrong by my son and deprive him of a bond with his siblings and father and possibly hurt his self esteem and them of the bond with him. If I stay, I go insane with unhappiness for making these decisions. I cherish SO and love him when we are together, its when the kids are here, that I break down. Our communication is excellent, our relationship is excellent, what now?
I know how you feel, it's
I know how you feel, it's like you went to the store, bought apples, and came home with oranges, right?
The rate at which it gets better is dependent on the rate that your husband steps up. There is nothing wrong with you, you arena.t content because you feel like the entire foundation on this relationship was built on a lie, so how could you trust anything that comes after, no matter how dream-like it seems?
And you're probably still feeling the effects of them treating you so badly, and the memory of not being protected during that crucial time is rooted.
My advice would be to do what makes YOU happy, staying in a marriage you are unhappy in will be more detrimental to you and your child than anything else. My grandmother was a bitter, broken old women even though she was in your exact position.
That said, if you want to make it work out, realize that the past is only a part of your memories and your future is still unwritten, the present in it's current real state should be what you base it on. By the way, what you SHOULD be talking about is how he parents, you mentioned he does out of guilt, so tell us a little more about that. I can bet you a majority of your feelings comes from him, not the kids. The kids are just an extension, and their actions and behaviors are a result of what he has done, so find out what he's doing and tell him to knock it off!
Good luck!
Thanks you for the
Thanks you for the constructive feedback.
His parenting style is permissive. I have had to take a large role in pointing out errors in his ways. Although he has made huge improvements, one can see its not exactly easy. He is like the maid and I signed off of that role a long time ago.
The kids manipulate him a lot for example, they wouldn't clean their own ass at our homes but have no problem doing it alone in school or at their mom's place. I had to point out that I am not wiping any child's ass who is above 5 and has no medical condition preventing them from doing it. Teach them how to clean up after themselves. He gives a 7 year old a shower. I put the brakes on that shit when he expected me to do that... um before BM comes throwing my door down with an SVU episode, i said hell no.. "turn on the shower, get a good temperature, when you get out, take your towel, tie it around you waist like a man, and put on your clothes... what's this garbage about drying him off, NEXT.
The unruliness at the dinner table for example, SO does everything for them, all the while they are whining about everything... I personally told him "if your kids can slap and hit each other in the face with precision etc they can apply some f****ing pressure to the knife and cut their own food and eat on the plate without their food being all over the table.
All the other out of control behavior that would take too much time to list, he at one point chalked it up to "they are children"...that bullshit didn't fly because where I am from, kids learn responsibility very early on and these have NONE.
Yes SO and BM are to blame for this, however, SO and I are working through the kinks and he is trying but I am having an extremely hard time moving past my resentment for the kids themselves. I don't blame them entirely for their behavior but it doesn't change the situation - I resent my situation.
I really feel when you have
I really feel when you have kids, absent a situation that is totally intolerable, you have to do what is best for them. I was in a somewhat similar situation to you in that I started to have regrets after kids...a lot of the same ones, too! Buti knew my partner loved me, wanted what was best for me and my bio kid , and was trying. I also knew I had to accepting would never be able to live the life I dreamed. There was a grieving process...I would recommend at least a counselor for you to work through these feelings, and maybe your counselor will suggest joint counseling and/or parenting classes for SO. Also, develop an interest that is just for you and do it. Tell SO it is important, and make time for it. Train to run a half marathon. Join a book club. Etc. these are all things that helped me. Good luck
You have made great points
You have made great points because it is only because of my son that I feel so trapped. As much as I love SO, I also value myself but with my son being here, he trumps all feelings. My issues and resentment towards the kids are not tranferrable to my son. That's his blood, his siblings, his family. The kids love him and he lights up when they are around. I never prevent my son from interacting with them although I want to hideout. SO gushes about all of his kids and moreover our son because he's the baby. My son already identified that we are the two most important people in his life. Who am I to now rob him of these strong bonds because I can't stand the kids??? This is where I feel selfish. I am the outsider, I am the variable piece in this whole puzzle, the bond the kids, my son and their father share are scared and genuine. Even if I moved away, the other kids will suffer, SO will suffer and my son, it is only I would be happy and would I really be happy if everyone else is not?.. my actions will affect too many lives.. I may consider the couple counseling, SO was favorable of the idea.
You must put yourself first
You must put yourself first as others have mentioned. Take care of yourself and do things you want to do regularly.
I think the only way you are
I think the only way you are going to be able to stay is to find a counselor to talk to.
What I don't understand is how you planned on traveling when he had 3 young kids? Even the best of kids are difficult to travel with, so I don't think them turning into nightmares when you were gone 5 weeks should have changed that at all. My guess is that you were in LALA land and when things became serious and you were "stuck" with the pregnancy, all the little things started coming out that you just didn't see before. The honeymoon was over and the same goes for kids, too. Their true colors take a while to show sometimes.
To be completely honest, I
To be completely honest, I never noticed the kids' behavior because BM was giving hell and she was a bitch for a long time, that caused me to be detached a lot from them/her and even SO. SO and I used to fight, now we are a point of 0 tolerance and thankfully she has learned and has not been in contact unless its an emergency. When things were finally settling in, the kids started acting up and its was really night and day. Of course they were signs from earlier months but you have no idea.. I used to read with my eldest SS, I favored him above the rest for his good behavior and demeanor. Fast forward 9 -12 months later and I wish he never existed...
About the traveling, I have to chalk this up to being too naive, now I am in the situation and feel the weight around my ankles and I resent it a lot.. it was my choice, I never run away from that fact.
Yes I have considered a
Yes I have considered a therapist, it seems like the most logical step but I feel like neither SO or these kids deserve me putting myself through this while they go on being this way and making my/our life a living hell because they belong to him... has the art for parenting died?
Sometimes hearing things from
Sometimes hearing things from a therapist (or other neutral party) can be what it takes to get a Guilty Daddy to change his parenting style. If nothing else, it might make him see how his permissiveness to his children is ruining his relationship with YOU.
I can so relate to what your
I can so relate to what your feeling. I moved to another state, pregnant with my BS to start a new life with BF and his (3) kiddos. I have never been so unhappy and I too feel like I am the most selfish person for wanting to run. His children have never spoken to me diretly yet and its been almost 2 years. Its a horrible feeling to not be wanted by children. I have bought crafts at holiday time to try to get us involved and none of them wanted to. So my son and I made them. This weekend I have Valentines stuff and will try again. The oldest has never touched her new sister - can't even speak her name. I have disengaged and do my own thing after attempts fail time and time again.
Dreamer2011 you are not
Dreamer2011 you are not alone!!! I am almost in your same.position. I'm 27 years old college grad. I've been with my SO for 4 years and he has 2 sons 9 and 14. We also have a 18 month old.son together. If you read.my blogs u will know.my story if being a great step mom to a disengaged angry SM. I honestly don't know.what to tell u because I feel like.I'm in the same.boat as you. Me.and my SO have a lot if relationship /trust issues on top of all the step-momma bs we.deal.with. so I am.probably worse off. I.also feel like if me.and.SO.aren't.together I'm ribbing my son of time.with his.dad and.half brothers. I lovemy SO so much and feel.like my son deserves both his parents. But I can't stand.his kids especially the younger one because hes so needy,annoying,liar etc.. whenever I am there I.wish they would.just.go.live with their mother. We have actually taken a break because we.were.fighting a lot. So we haven't been.living together but I.still see him.everyday because he watches.our son
while I go to work. I know that both of us were unhaopy inbiur relationship due to many things but he has mentioned to me.thatbis it hard for him to be.in the middle of.me and.his.kids because he knows I.don't like.to be around SS9 and.I get annoyed by him. I.can't.help the way I feel. I feel guilty if me and.my SO aren't.together because.I.love him so.much but I not happy living with him and his kids. Now.I'm living my parents as temporary living arrangement and that is not.much better. I.feel like as my.son gets.older he will prefer to be with his.brothers and dad.over j me. I don't know.what advice go tell u because I'm torn myself. I just want to know that you're.not.alone and.I feel the same.exact way. Good luck.to u . This site.is great!