Stewing in my own fury.
Our therapist asked that only SS7 and I attend so she can work with us to help us attach and bond. She suggested that I put lotion on his hands at night, spend extra quality time with him this week, and be very positive with him this week.
I have done NONE of these things. The thought of putting lotion on SS7's hands is much too close for comfort. I tried to spend quality time with him and he talks back or makes rude comments or is just an overall jerk I end up punishing him for being disrespectful. And I've been positive as much as possible when he's still getting in trouble at school every day.
I talked to DH about it last night and told him how overwhelmed and anxious I'm feeling. He said I didn't have to go. But I know if it ever comes up in the future it'll be "You didn't try" or "You wouldn't go to therapy with him" and everything will be my fault.
So, I'm going.
But the closer it gets to time for us got go (at 6pm) the more anxious I'm feeling. The more anxious I'm feeling, the more mad I get.
Why the hell doesn't DH have to go and work on his parenting skills? If he was a decent father his son wouldn't be such a disrespectful jerk to everyone. Why should I have to go and be tortured thru this session? All I ever did was care about the kid and try to turn him into a decent human being.
I'm so mad. I'm stewing in my own fury.
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Comments
Why do they want you to put
Why do they want you to put lotion on his hands? That's weird!
SS7's mother abandoned him
SS7's mother abandoned him years ago. The therapist says he doesn't understand the touch of a mother and by the simple act of putting lotion on, it shows SS7 what a mother's touch is like. It's supposed to help us attach and bond.
Agreed. Weird. And he'd
Agreed. Weird. And he'd probably think it weird as well. Maybe a ruffling his hair or a quick hug or something would be less awkward.
You have no idea how much
You have no idea how much reading that helped my anxiety. Thanks!
She thinks our biggest
She thinks our biggest problem is that I've disengaged and unattached myself to SS7. I think our biggest problem is that SS7 is an A hole all the time. DH was asked to stay home because he intervenes and doesn't allow SS7 and me to bond.
I was asked to go for SD
I was asked to go for SD early on in her problems with daddy getting married. I said no. I knew I wasn't the problem. Her parents lack of parenting was. I still have had it thrown in my face by BM in her conversations with family and friends. Not to me, since we don't speak.
I would go, but I would not do the lotion. That is wierd for a kid you didn't give birth to. The therapist is wrong and should be told that. That is overstepping for a SM.
But, I would insist that DH be in the room. It should not be you alone with the child.
Maybe you need a new
Maybe you need a new therapist. If she insists you do something completely uncomfortable to both you and SS, and trying to force something that isn't there/too soon, she's wrong, IMO.
I think she's focusing on the wrong thing here. If DH could parent properly, your SS wouldn't act like a little terror so much, and you would NATURALLY bond more with him. You can force yourself to bond with someone you can't stand. And SS would pick up how repulsed you were in one second, which would only make the situation worse.
She hasn't insisted. And I
She hasn't insisted. And I plan to tell her how uncomfortable I am with it - if SS7 doesn't tell her first.
We did the duo thing last
We did the duo thing last week. She told DH that he under reacts, doesn't validate my feelings, and that he needs to butt out when I'm punishing or bonding with SS7. She put DH in his place.
She thinks that since SS7 and my relationship is the sole stresser on DH and I, that she'd start there.
I'm going to go and give therapy a try. I felt great last week when we were done. Plus, it can't really make things worse.
You definitely need to get a
You definitely need to get a new therapist. This one is nuts. You aren’t this boy’s mother. It’s his father that needs to step up in the parenting department and force his son to be respectful and behave. If the therapist isn’t supporting those goals, find a new one.
But in my experience, all of therapists SD15 has had have been just as insane. SD15 hasn’t seen her BM since she was 6 and her BM had her rights terminated. So I’ve had nonsense about bonding with her since she doesn’t have a mom. It’s pure rubbish that you have to have some sort of maternal bond with the child to be a stepmom, especially when the child is acting like a hateful, disrespectful brat. You cannot be expected to love a child that is not your own unconditionally or look past bad behavior. The child needs to understand that that type of behavior makes him unlovable. The only way you will be able to bond with your SS is if his father forces him to behave and submit to your authority.
This is really standard
This is really standard attachment therapy. The therapist isnt a loon or insane. The issue here is that you dont want to bond with the kid right now-you do need to let the therapist know that. If you are not interested in bonding theres no point in her suggesting interventions to assist with this process.
There are less invasisve bonding interventions as someone else mentioned. Brushing hair, feeding, pat-a-cake-any sort of silly made up game that involves eye contact-but they all typcially involve touch or at the least eye contact.
I dont think these activities are "rewards"-in fact they are typcially really hard for the kid if they are truly unattached-you can still have firm structure, rules, and discipline, and take an hour out to go to therapy for some bonding interventions. You can do little bonding activities at home that take 30 seconds.
IMO-the key is to have both. You want the discipline, strucutre, consistency. But (if you are interested in bonding)you also need to take that time to build your relationship as well. What the other poster above is saying-is that if this kid was bonded to you-he would not work against you all the time. You know he'd be like a normal kid, who actually wants to please their parents once in awhile. But again, if YOU are not ready for this at this point-you need to be upfront with the therapist.
She is obviously under the impression that you DO want to be THE mom to this kid. If you are not committed to that-just let her know.
I went to a conference on
I went to a conference on attachment last summer-we had to get partners and lotion each others hands. hahaha! Thankfully, a coworker was there with me-which was still really uncomfortable but it was better than a total stranger!