this is generally what i am hearing. alot of the time i just don't know how to feel about all the time i spend with the skids. while i'm there and they're there and we're all together it feels good and i feel like i'm literally THISCLOSE to being a parent a damned good one.

every time they leave, i feel like i've lost days of my life to an investment that the kids will NEVER BE ABLE TO CONSCIOUSLY ACKNOWLEDGE. it's not even their fault. they want to think their mom is raising them--they need to think that--and therefore all the hours and days that i put into the relationship is more like some sort of circus act that will disappear from history the second it's over.

i know that sounds selfish and horrible, but almost no one would volunteer to be a parent to kids who would never remember them or the time they spent together. being a parent is suppose to be building a relationship. who would give up great portions of their life for a relationship that can never exist, and that must be forgotten.

i see it every weekend the skids spend with their BM. they leave telling me they love me and that they will miss me and they can't wait to come back. when they get back, it's almost as if they've forgotten who i am, and more importantly, our relationship.

so, while on one side i love the kids and feel great spending time with them--and there's no way i'll volunteer to do anything else with that time--i guess i feel that i'd feel less confused and upset about it afterward if i had a kid at home who i could build a real relationship with. so, even if the skids come back and act like we didn't have that great game of hide and seek, my kid would not forget and would remember and my relationship would be better with her/him because of that time we spent together.

that's sort of how i think about it. i have to share the skids with BM every day. everything i do with them has some sort of blow-back from her. but if i had my own, i would not have to worry about constantly stepping on some other parent's toes. i could just be a parent and just enjoy teaching and taking care of another person. and that's really what i want.

no. not a joke. i am married to an awesome guy who is a great father. i have always wanted my own, but i always thought i would become independently wealthy and not be a step mom and not be married to someone who had their own already.

as a result, when i became a step i sort of tossed my fantasies out the window.

however, recently i've realized that i am going to be at home raising kids 50% of the time anyway, so what's the point of denying myself the ability to have my own just because this situation is not ideal?

i guess i had an "idea" stuck in my head, and sort of threw away the whole concept of kids when that ideal was no longer possible.

i kept trying to think of other things that i could put myself into when Dh's kids got old enough to be in school most of the time.

but recently i have thought that maybe i should make use of all this "kid-raising" time and try to have one of my own.

when DH and i got together, i was the typical kid-centric adult who believed anything and everything should be sacrificed for the kids who ALREADY existed (his). i thought it would be too traumatic for me to have kids too. i thought all our money and effort and time should be poured exclusively into the skids because they were already here and already confused and neglected by their bm.

i guess after 4 years the sacrificing is less like sacrifcing and more like routine kid stuff, and it's occurred to me that it might not be the end of the world for anyone if Dh and i had our own as well.

before the step situation, i literally thot it would be that simple. and maybe it should be. i guess i put myself into the all-sacrifcing step parent role for too long, thinking that everything should go into the skids and their lives.

but i do want my own. i'd adopt the skids in a heartbeat if BM disappeared, but that hasn't happened and probably won't.

the skids accidentally call me mom sometimes, and while i feel worried for them because I know BM would wig out if she heard it, the accident feels nice and i often fantasize about what it would be like to just hear it and not feel conflicted about it.

i just think about what it might be like to be grading a paper and have a kid walk into the room, call me mom, and to not worry about what some other crazy woman will do to the kid for calling me that. i love the idea of being able to simply say "yes, kiddo?" and then take care of whatever it is without worrying about another pissed off crazy parent involved.

and i call the skids "kiddo" all the time. i take care of them all the time. but BM is always at the back of my mind, and she is always part of the skids' thought process. i am not their mom, and they realize they've screwed up somehow when they call me mom.

and it really sucks.

the skids' reactions and the inlaws reactions are my primary concern. well . . . next to the complete and utter chaos BM will not doubt create.

i guess i worry that this is an unfair situation to bring a child into.

having unstable half brothers who constantly switch between loving stepmom and hating her.

having inlaws who don't care about the kid because they're obsessed with DH's exwife.

having a DH who will probably--not for sure--overcompensate for half brothers because their life sucks and they don't have two parents in one household.

having 100% less than two half brothers because their rich mom is hiding her money and bleeding DH dry every chance she gets.

i don't know. i just worry that it's not fair to the kid that we would have. and i don't know how--if the kid ever asked--i would explain the situation in a way that made sense.

that is what both my parents (in their sixties and waited until after 35 to even get started) said to me.

my mom, especially, seems to really regret waiting to have my brother and me. she almost tied both times and had insane health issues afterwards.

i feel like i will have to feel guilty if i don't wait for the perfect-perfect situation tho.