Stressful and Causing Huge Fights
I'm so frustrated and I'm wondering if others have come across this situation. I feel like when I entered into this marriage (almost 6 years ago) that we would be partners on everything. It seems like ground hog day with my DH on issues with scheduling with his EX. I love my step daughter and have no issues with her at all. I just think that if it involves schedule changes, that I should be in the loop at the beginning before it is discussed with EX and SD (age 12). I'm not saying he needs my permission, but as we often do as Stepmoms, I feel like an outsider in my own home when all 3 are discussing changes in the schedule and then I am told of the change. He did forward me an email that he and EX had about changing weekends and he said he would talk about the changes with his daughter and then get back to EX. Um...HELLO! As most guys go...he has no clue if we already have plans on the childless weekends or not. He said he was going to talk to me..again after he had worked out options. Am I wrong to say that if it involves changes in my time as well, that I should at least be consulted before all 3 of them discuss and decide??? We seem to have this fight all the time. He doesn't like when his EX tells him how things are going to be (instead of discussing between the two) and he does the same thing to me. I'm not sure what the best approach is?? Seems like we can't have a civil discussion when it comes to his EX and child without blowing up. Just makes me sad and frustrated!!
- Skidmom1's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Not defending BM but my X
Not defending BM but my X does the same thing...When i need a switch or he does we go to eachother, i do not ask DH...I often ask if the switch will work he always says yes without talking to his wife so not defending Bm but sometimes it is the guy no matter what they say....
Thank you both! I do agree
Thank you both! I do agree that if plans are already made, I just need to go ahead with them. Sometimes it's not a matter of telling them...it's showing them. I'm not blaming the BM on this occasion at all. I just wish husband would see that we are partners and should be consulted on things. No one ever goes into a marriage thinking we will be partners on some things, but not all things. I'm not trying to be the mom...she has one. I'm just trying to have a say in my own life. Sometimes it feels like things just happen around me.
DH used to do this to me
DH used to do this to me until "I continued with my plans even when he did switch". For a long time he would change weekends, times, etc...and our plans would go down the tube. I would end up being resentful and missing out on a friend's party, vacation, whatever...After numerous arguments I told him that he could do as he pleased, but I bought a calendar and put it in our kitchen. Any plans that I made, I put on the calendar...there was not if's and's or buts if he wanted to switch. At first, he would just assume that I would cancel OUR plans...After a while he realized that if he did not CONSULT me and agree with me PRIOR to the switch, the odds were that I would continue with my plans and he would be stuck at home with skid. He finally got it.
You really need to put your foot down and get a calendar or similar. And just do what you need to do. The child is NOT your responsibility and any man who expects us to change plans because they changed plans is selfish.
Yes, this happen(ed) all the
Yes, this happen(ed) all the time...occasionally still does.
Sometimes Friday nights, DH will show up with one or the other, or both or sometimes an extra friend (without my prior knowledge). I am pretty laid back and don't usually mind, but a little common courtesy, please? I am taking some classes right now, and weekends are times for me to catch up on homework, take quizzes, write papers, so I particularly do not like the disruption.
Other times, it's driving one or the other or both back to Skidstown the next day for an event (umm, you didn't know you were invited to a birthday party before last night, AND we stil need to get a gift??)
I just carry on whatever I want to do, or whatever I have planned. He caught on.
The whole thing sucks-revolving your precious weekends around someone else is bad enough, but just when you think you get a handle on things, whoops, there goes a switch in plans.
I think the calendar will help!
I think the calendar is a
I think the calendar is a great idea! I get so frustrated when he gets mad when I question him on anything about BM or SD. He feels that he does a good job keeping me updated and to be honest sometimes he does. He knows that I am a planner and a very organized person. I understand that things come up and need to be change. Hey...that's life! I'm just trying to get him to understand that we are partners and that I should be consulted early on...instead of an after thought. I read something that makes so much sense:
I should be his first priority, but his daughter should be his first responsibility. Things would work a lot easier if we were all on the same page!
I think maybe they are afraid
I think maybe they are afraid to tell us about changes, but I'd rather know ahead of time just to be mentally prepared!
Once I had asked for a change so that we could go to a function out of town that was really important to me, he kept putting it off and putting it off- like he was afraid to ask BM ("rocking the boat"), I told he was going to have to ask her because he was going with me. She was actually quite cool about it, said have a good time, etc. He was worried for nothing.
You are right to want to be consulted in all scheduling matters.
If it were me, I'd let DH
If it were me, I'd let DH change the schedule. And if it doesn't work with my schedule then I'd tell him he'll need to make other arrangements for her. If he doesn't like it then he should consult me next time.
They're afraid we'll say no
They're afraid we'll say no and in the back of their minds they reason that b/c it's not SM's kid, it's not her decision so why consult her.
Basically a lack of respect. I have gone round and round on this. Only one time in six years did he consult me after I threw a fit. Shortly afterwards all three gradually PASed out so it's no longer an issue.