My musings. This is really long.
I don't like kids.
Don't misunderstand me here; I don't hate kids. I think that kids are fine. I have friends who have toddlers, and they're great. Just because I don't want to be around kids in my everyday life doesn't mean that I like them, though. There is tolerance, there is civility - these things I can do for children. But in order to really like them, you have to have a certain mindset, a certain view of the world that is comparable to and enriches their own. I don't have that. I'll never be like Jackie Chan or Raffi; those dudes love kids. I just don't feel any attachment to them.
I think that it's mainly the fact that I don't really get kids. I don't have a maternal instinct, which was why I decided a long time ago not to have children. I don't understand them, and my rampant imagination is on a completely different plane than a child's, so talking to my five year old stepdaughter turns her little game of pretend in which we can fly to the moon turn into a very truncated science lesson about the atmosphere and why we'd be unable to survive past the first few layers. It's not that I want to be a killjoy; I just answer all questions with complete honesty, and that's clearly not always what a child wants.
I don't want to play. I'm not the sort of person who frolics and plays. I'm a sedentary person; a lot of my entertainment is highly cerebral, but very low in regards to physical exertion. When we go to the bounce houses with the kid, I usually bring along knitting, or a book. I'm not interested in playing with my stepdaughter. Part of this is due to the fact that much of her play can be easily divided into three categories: running around, playing make-believe, or playing games/watching or listening to things that pertain to her interests.
This brings me to the point of why I feel distaste for my stepdaughter, specifically. She's boring. She is a really lame kid. She doesn't have any interest in anything unique or special. Even her cartoons are pedestrian at best. Currently, her mother has her interested in Twilight, for example, and she has also been very interested in Hello Kitty, Disney princesses, and whatever movie she's taken to at the cinema. She listens to Justin Bieber without caring why. I look at my friends' kids, with their obsession with cephalopods and interest in the series of dolls designed after classic monsters like Frankenstein's Bride or Count Dracula, and I feel gypped. Why can't my boyfriend's daughter like anything cool? I wonder. Why can't she ever say anything funny or cute? Everything that she says is centric to a mother-baby relationship in her play and imagination. Whenever she plays out stories in her head, she's always directly quoting things that she's seen on television a hundred times.
She also looks plainer than I would like. Her classmates, and indeed, all of my friends' like-aged children, have thick, long hair, long eyelashes, adorable smiles in photos. My stepdaughter has the most pathetic wisp of baby hair I've ever seen on a girl her age. There is no styling it; the most fetching look for her is to just pull it all back into a sad, anemic ponytail, to get it out of sight as much as possible. She never smiles sincerely in photographs. My boyfriend has even remarked on it, saying things like, "I wish that she'd give us a real smile, instead of forcing this awful one whenever we take a photo."
She is already learning how to manipulate her father. I see it every time she refuses to eat vegetables, every time she throws a tantrum about missing her mother when she doesn't get her way. He lets her do whatever she pleases because of it, and I wished more than anything that I didn't care one bit about her upbringing. It would make it so much easier to witness this type of developmental sabotage: the laissez-faire of guilty daddy and the unadulterated negligence of her trashy mother, who sends her to school with dirty hair and smelling of days of sweat and play. Alas, whenever I bring up a suggestion, I'm told that I have good points. However, nothing further is done to be a good parent to this little girl. My advice, while logical and sincere, is no match for the guilty daddy syndrome and the need to be anything but the bad guy.
She sleeps with her mother's dirty laundry. She runs amok, with no consequences to her actions. Yes, I knew that she existed, and I knew that I would have to occasionally be around her, but I never knew that my boyfriend would expect me to raise this child, whom - and as much as it embarrasses me to admit it, I promised myself that I would tell the truth, here - I view as a colossal mistake. My boyfriend was lied to about birth control, and my stepdaughter was born in a last-ditch effort to save a long-failed marriage. Now, I look at her and I see mistakes and horrible decisions. Her complete lack of individuality, personal grace or hygiene, average intelligence, and lack of willingness to learn to do anything that can easily be done by Daddy or Mommy (including reading) make me clench my teeth. Whenever he drops her off at school, the moment she leaves the car, I mutter under my breath "Good riddance."
I've often told myself that I wished that she was older so that she would at least be someone that I could remotely relate to. Now, I just wish that she was older so that I could be more candid about my discontent with her presence. I am patiently, but eagerly, awaiting the day, perhaps when she's 10 or 11 and tells me that I'm not her mother, or tells my boyfriend what she's allowed to do at Mom's that she can't do at ours, when I can tell my boyfriend, "Your daughter gets on my nerves." I'm pretty sure that by that time, he'll most likely agree with me.
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As sad as it is, I understand
As sad as it is, I understand completely.
Thank you. *hugs*
Thank you.
*hugs*
Yeah, I am aware that your
Yeah, I am aware that your brain kind of rewires itself after you have kids... which is one thing that concerns me about SO. I think that he just no longer gets where I'm coming from. I think that he can't. And I'm okay with that, but it is a bummer.
I can't wait until she's a teenager. I'm hoping that I can have actual conversations with her at that point... I just can't relate to kids! I wish that I could!
Well, to be honest, and as bad as this sounds, this is the place to vent.... I'm not terribly interested in doing things just her and me. It's also extremely difficult because I don't own a car currently, so it'd be hard to arrange something. Also, if SD spends more than 8 hours with someone who isn't SO or an immediate family member, BM has to be notified and can veto the decision, as well. SD is 5.
I know that so much of this stuff is BM's fault, and not a small portion of it is SO's fault, too, but the thing is, I don't have to be around BM, and I love SO. I don't have any feelings for SD, so maybe that's why it annoys me so much... I'm not sure.
Thanks so much! I'll keep that in mind the next time I go to a kid's birthday party for her, hahaha!
Don't be so sure about that
Don't be so sure about that one...SD16 is DH princess and everything is about her....He can agree sometimes that she is a drama queen...But there is something about daughters...I have just boys, 2, THANK GOD@!!!!!!!
Hahaha, well, at least when
Hahaha, well, at least when she's older, the ~protective~ shit can be debunked!
You sound very young.
You sound very young. Intelligent and articulate, but young.
Is it worth it? I've read through your blogs, and it sounds like this is not a satisfying situation for you. Your SO thinks you should be the mother of his child. He does not seem to realize any of your true feelings regarding his daughter. He listens to your suggestions approvingly, but never puts the advice into action. He is defensive about his daughter. Oh hun. Look around here. These are bad signs.
No one needs to like children, and it's silly to expect you to be able to bond with a kid just because you're in a relationship with the kid's parent. What I don't understand is how you maintain any respect for your SO. Okay, so a bonded relationship with the child is a bust, but SO trying to pretend otherwise is just pathetic. You really think he'll ever agree with you? Really? Again, is it worth it?
Sorry, maybe I have a poor attitude today, but it would be a shame to watch someone shoot themselves in the foot.
I'm not sure what your
I'm not sure what your definition of young is, but I'm 28. I am the age that my mother was when she had my older sister, so I can't really believe that I'm too young to understand a family dynamic.
In my opinion, it's worth it. Of course I'm not going to say the nice things in this particular blog; this is my place to vent and say all of the things that I specifically cannot say to people that I know, and especially not to SO. I do hear what you're saying, and I'll even admit that a part of me might be in denial right now that what you're saying is correct. Unfortunately, I normally only learn things the hard way.
I think that SO is still learning, and I know that expectations and reality are always two different things. I do feel like SO is a lot more willing to understand and respect. We actually had a long talk about it last weekend, which had me feeling a lot better.
Will I always feel this way toward SD? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I'm grateful to have you lovely people to listen to me when no one else could understand.
Checking your profile, you're
Checking your profile, you're four years younger than I am. I'm curious, then, what makes me sound particularly young...
I totally understand and
I totally understand and agree. I could have written your musings word for word. I do have grown biochildren and have been around other children and they have, for the most part, been raised properly and traditionally. . .even in non intact homes. What a difference!
I've always loved your
I've always loved your comments and posts. Thanks for the support.
I understand. To quote Helena
I understand. To quote Helena Bonham Carter "He has a very basic sense of humor. It's a bit lavatorial and not very sophisticated."
This is how I describe the humor of skids and SO. SO has intelligence, it just goes away when skids are around. Sometimes when I listen to their interactions, I feel like I'm losing IQ points.
Once I took everyone to the art museum. they made fun of everything and didn't want to listen to the descriptions of the paintings. SD only cares about hair, nail polish and texting. SS, may actually have a chance. I'm still sitting on the sidelines on that one.
I'm really scared for SD's
I'm really scared for SD's intelligence. SO is rather smart, but BM is a complete simpleton. I do worry that SD got more of BM than SO in the brains department... and in this case, more is less. :/
The Behemoth is a
The Behemoth is a plagiarizing, frat/party girl and was raised as a princess--the way she's raising her children now. She was terribly spoiled and bailed out of everything by the doting Wookie. I had the exact opposite childhood experience (thank GOD)! Now she's spoiling three hellions. WAY TO GO GG and Behemoth!!
GG is very clever but not book smart. He is very much someone who can absort information (when he wants to or is interested) and then master a subject in no time flat.
All the Behemoth's brains are in her ginormous ta tas.
I like kids. Because I was a
I like kids. Because I was a successful career woman at a time when that was not real common my friends really liked for their daughters to spend time with me. I can't tell you how many kids have spent the night - yes even some boys too. I wanted to have kids but it just wasn't in the cards.
I used to hope that I would find a man with grown kids so I could have the grandkid experience.
One stepson is an ex-con on the lam in another state and is terminally ill. I'll never meet him.
Second one unfortunately is local - homeless druggie. Let's hope he doesn't reproduce. He said his girlfriend was pregnant a few months ago but she is no longer around so who knows what happened there.
I have no problem with admitting that the birth of SS24 was a total mistake. DH and warthog had a ONS ten years after their first oops pregnancy as teens. This kid is tall and very good looking. Kind of sweet - not mean like his brother.
But he is a total waste of space. Even though he is not mean he has anger issues when he is high and has demolished apartments, etc. His own mother doesn't even let him in her house.
I've done some nice things for him as recently as Christmas dinner. But he is total toast to me now. DH has said not to ever make him choose - I won't. He can see him anytime he wants - just not in MY house. And it is my house. He got evicted from his apt. and DH used MY credit card to pay for two nights hotel for him. I was supposed to get the money on his pay day 48 hours later.
No word. I'll write off the money gladly just to never have to see or deal with him again or even try to pretend that he exists. I was so mad about that credit card thing that I referred to him as a crotch dropping. Yes I was that bad. That I am ashamed of. That was truly a horrible thing to do. DH knows how bad he is yet he loves him dearly. Very sad.
Oh, my. I'm so sorry to hear
Oh, my. I'm so sorry to hear that.
Don't continue to feel bad for longer than is absolutely necessary to be okay with yourself. Don't beat yourself up. People get fed up; they can't help it. It'll be okay.
Thank you so much. That
Thank you so much. That really helped. I have a lot of friends and most people like me. I think if someone told my friends in real life what I had said they would never believe it.
What I hate about this situation is that it brought out a side of me that I didn't even know that I had. I'm usually pretty mellow - but this whole stepson thing (which is still relatively new for me) just brings out the worst in me.
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel. I'm not this person... it's such an odd feeling, isn't it?
Kids are ok. I like them
Kids are ok. I like them well enough. I have 3 of my own-I adore them. My ss13, not so much. There's been aLOT of bad stuff go down-directed at me and my kids that have made me feel that way. I think I would have to be a complete nut to not have some negative feelings toward him.
However, those bad things aside-I dont find his personality pleasing. Obviously I adore my kids, because they are MY kids-that being said they are also a lot like meO. They have the same morals and values (because that's what I taught them), we share similar interests (we all LOVE to read). We are all sort of quiet people-even my dd10 who talks incessantly is not loud, nor obnoxious. I made good grades in school, my kids make good grades. I stayed out of trouble in school, they stay out of trouble in school. I'm pretty laid back, my kids are laid back. My ss is like a creature from another planet. He hates to read-hasnt willingly read a book since maybe age 5, is extremely aggressive, speaks in a very loud tone of voice, cant sit still for more than a couple of minutes-is very competitive. My kids love to swim-we live on a lake and ss spent years refusing to even get in the water. He makes poor grades and has been suspended from school a number of times. Even if all the bad things hadnt occurred-I just dont think we are a good fit. Sometimes people just aren't. We have nothing in common, this is a kid MY kids would not be friends with, in fact this is a kid I wouldnt ALLOW them to be friends with.
I am not even saying that ss is wrong in everything he likes and prefers (although some like getting in trouble ARE wrong)-but it is hard to relate to people you have nothing in common with. I am sure he has felt as if he hasnt fit in here over the years and it seems his way to fix that feeling is to make sure he rejects everything about us. He is constantly going on about how much he dislikes us and all those things that we do.
I have a friend who swears
I have a friend who swears that she can tell just by looking at a kid if they were created out of love. For instance she says that mine and DHs BS2 always has a bright sparkle in his eye and a smile on his face, as oposed to other children who just have that dead eye so to speak and rarely smile...she swears that those are the kids who were products of entrapments, trickery and loveless relationships....maybe she's on to something???