Where do I fit in the dymanics of it all?
I'm feeling like maybe I'm being over sensitive so I needed to write this note to receive feedback or advice from someone who maybe has been in the place that I am in now.
I have been married to my husband for a year now and it hasn't been easy. I love him very much but I think my patience has run out and I need to know that I'm not be as "sensitive" as he tells me I am.
This is where my issue is, I don't know what my role is with his children and decisions. I feel that we are married and are suppose to be a couple and partners but I feel that he continues to be more of a partner with his ex before me. Don't misunderstand me, I believe that there are some issues where he needs to make important decisions with his ex but when it comes to our house, our plans for holidays and money in our house, shouldn't I be first? But I'm not. My husband makes plans without me, thinking it makes things easier on the ex, and allows her to change our plans at the last minute; I'm suppose to just allow it to happen because he wants to be fair to his ex. What about being fair to me? Before we were married I kept my mouth shut even though I had to deal with tons of stuff due to her. Now, that we are married I feel I have a say. Anyway......I tried to make our blended family just that, a family. I was told by not only his ex but his parents and as well, my husband, that "it wasn't my place" to do the things I was doing. Slowly, my husband allows "little" changes but, that's only after I scream and fight my way to have a "place" or "say" with something in my house. I get along great with his kids but my role with them is never indentified or important. Am I making sense. Am I wrong? Where do I belong? What should my role be? Please someone, help me to figure out what I should be expecting and what I shouldn't?
Thank you
Sincerly,
lost and confused.
Time for a BIG talk with your DH.....
Listen, you are completely right, and I know everyone else here will tell you that as well. My first post here was similar to this, but harsher, check it out if you want. I knew I had the right to determine what goes on in my own house, and I was tired of playing 2nd fiddle to my DH's ex. This is OUR house, OUR family, OUR holidays, etc.... WE should decide together, what goes on in our own lives during times that we do and don't have the skids. In my case, I put my foot down, huge battle, I almost threw him out. Now, I am not recommending that, I am just telling you how it played out for me. In our case, this was just the wake up call my husband needed. He actually realized that I wouldn't freak out to that degree if I didn't have a very good reason. He thought about it over the next week or so, and then came to me, with a plan for change. We have begun to take more control over our own lives, we don't let BM decide what we will do on our time with the skids, or to expect my DH to drop everything when she calls. He has a new life with me now, and we make all of our decisions together.
In your case, I think you very elogquently stated here in this post what the problems are, and what role you think you should play. YOu are dead on. Have a serious discussion with your hubby, let him know it is serious and that you need him to set aside some time to discuss this with you. Tell him just what you told us, you couldn't have said it better.
And don't forget, let us know what happens! You are supported here no matter what happens.
Best of luck!
Hi and welcome. I feel your
Hi and welcome. I feel your pain.
I didnt know where I fit in also at the beginning. Seems that they were the family but he was just living with me. I did tell this to dh at the time but it didnt sink in. So finally when his ex would call I would tell him his "wife" called. heeheehee. He didnt like that - but if she had more rights to access his time, money, energy etc. and they made all the plans and I was informed as an afterthought didnt that still make her his wife????
You do have every right to have things discussed with you first what is going to effect your time and resources. Your not being overly sensitive - actully they are being insensitive to you!
It took a lot of time - too much time for dh to realize that we had to be a team first and foremost - hope you can get through to your dh a lot sooner. I have to run but wanted to welcome you and let you know you are not alone. You will get a lot of great advice from this site.
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Albert Einstein
I feel the same way. I
I feel the same way. I don't have kids of my own and sometimes I feel like my life is insignificant and I just live here and pay the bills. Just the other day in marriage counseling my hubby told me that he feels he has to pick between his kids and me. I have tried to stay out of things with his wacky ex or his teenage son that is depressed but when I do he tells me I want you involved, "I want your advise".. I give it and now this.. Damned if I do Damned if I don't. Any advise here would be helpful.