Aaarrgghh!! Christmas Shopping
Forums:
is it wrong to expect my husband to split the cost with me for gifts for our two kids together and pay the full cost for his daughter's gifts?
When I asked this of him, he said ok, but he was mad and said I had to pay for the gifts for the rest of my family. ie, my mother who buys stuff for all of the children, my father who takes us on family vacations twice a year and my brother who always helps us out and plays video games with him. Shouldn't my SD's bio parents buy her presents and be responsible for her? And, if the bio mother is not responsible, then shouldn't he pick up the difference?
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying, however, the problem is that he has no family. The only family we have to turn to for support, help, whatever... is mine. my father brings food on the weekends, my mother watches the kids during the summer so we can save money, etc. Given that, i thought it crappy of him to not want to help give them gifts too. My irritation over this is not coming from a financial concern, but more from the principal of the matter. How do you say thank you to people that are there for you in your life?
I also say to split the cost that way, bc i used to pay the majority for everthing, and i'm tired of not being appreciated. i am tired of trying to balance gifts just in case the bio mom sends something for just her daughter.
the bio mom does not pay support even though she is supposed to and i was required to be a mother, without the authority to do so. so i disengaged. now, i feel that her parents should be responsible and whatever i do for her is extra.
I guess I'm with you on this
I guess I'm with you on this one but the majority of our money is in a shared account also so I can't really speak from experience. I do also understand his point about you being responsible for your family alone then. Ah, the holiday's how would the mental health profession survive without them?
Our major issue currently is that he believes we should spend the same exact amount of money on all of the kids: OUR BS, SS who lives with us and SS who visits one day a month because he doesn't like being away from his mom yet always questions why he didn't get the sames things as the other kids. So, as I did last year I will be using money from OUR account mainly and then from MY own account to purchase extra gifts for my son because I hate it when they come back from their mothers and her mothers and their aunts, etc...and brag about all that they got and rub it in while we are busy worrying about everything being "fair". Particularly because many members in my family buy his boys nicer things than our BS because they feel sorry for the poor kiddies of divorce.
Is your primiary concern here the money or fairness? Both are difficult issues to tackle but I know as I'm playing it that fairness is a losing battle. Life isn't fair and in marriage nothing is ever really equal or fair.
I think if you want him to go
I think if you want him to go halfsies with you on your family's gifts that you should probably go halfsies with him on his kids. Just make sure you set a budget so you aren't stuck with splitting half of a $1000 Christmas gift. It will probably all come out the same cost since you don't have to buy for anyone else on his side and it sounds like there are more people in your family than stepkids. I understand the principle of the matter (trust me, I'm all about the principle) but I think you should choose your battles also.
We also have a shared account
We also have a shared account -- get no child support from the BM, and at this time my income is a lot less than it was when we married. I used to bring in more than him so it was me that supported us the majority. I guess the way I looked at it was as a partnership, and as our money. For me I have even more reason to become resentful in that he has four children and I have one. I do tend to give my daughter more spending money than his kids because she is nicer to me and more helpful to me around the house -- so it does pay to be nice to me! But at Christmastime, we agree to spend the same amount on each of the kids -- $100 a piece. Sometimes I go a little over on each of the kids, and each year I'm hopeful that they will be thankful and not act so entitled. It lasts for a little while, and then it fades quickly.
Oh well, such is the life of a step mother.
This is just how I try to work it, and how it works for me so I don't go insane. Of course, I'm on anti-depressants and now we are in marriage counseling.
I do understand where your resentment comes from most definitely. And BTW no it is not wrong for you to expect your husband to pay for the costs of his daughter's gifts, and absolutely share in the costs of the gifts to your shared children. I think that its ridiculous that he is expecting you to pay for the entire cost of the gifts to your family. It sounds like your family has blessed you both and all the kids (including his child) tremendously!) and for him to not want to show gratitude in the form of a gift is ridiculous!
Maybe when you both are calm you can discuss it, and tell him how much this hurts you because of the fact that your family has been so generous to you both and taken care of you and also his daughter as if his daughter was their own granddaughter.
I wish you both the best. It is hard work being in a step family.
We set an amount we're going
We set an amount we're going to spend per kid/couple, then I buy for my kids and their SOs, DH buys for his kids and their SOs. Both our names go on every gift. We each pay for our parents gifts and put both names on. My kids will each send something to my parents and his parents. They take care of that themselves. It depends on their budgets. When in high school and college my boys always sent holiday dishtowels (easy to buy and light to ship.) both grandmothers looked forward to these every year. The year after my oldest son graduated from college and had a ft job, he and his fiance sent 'better' gifts. Both grandmothers pitched a fit! They just wanted their towels.
His kids won't send their grandparents anything but DH will send them a gift card and put skids name on (remember skids are 20 23 and 26) His kids won't send MY parents andthing. And my parents won't give THEM anything. I feel a little guilty about this because DH parents will always send birthday and Christmas cards with $20 or so to each of my kids. His kids don't like it but you reap what you sow I guess.
We draw names with siblings and nieces and nephews and we each buy our own gift for our name. For years I tried to make him understand that things like stockings require we buy SIX of whatever, not just three anymore. He still picks up THREE whatevers for stockings and when I ask what they are he looks at me and runs back and gets three more. duh. THIS YEAR I'm buying just three... I have disengaged don't ya know.
We, too, have a joint
We, too, have a joint account-which right now is causing our on christmas present disagreement.
What is your relationship like with your sd? Is it good? Is she respectful? Would you want to put your name on her gift? If so then I would agree to go in halfsies and of couse he should go in halfsies. Now, if you have a poor relationship with her, are not close, or it is nonexistent then I'd probably hold my ground and not pay. As for your family-I would just let him know that if he does not wish to go in half on those presents that is fine as long as he understands that ONLY your name will be on the gift tag and everyone will know that he did not contribute to their gifts. Do they buy him gifts? If he gets gifts from them-then he should definitely contribute and IMO should be ashamed for saying he did not wish to contribute.
Likewise if your sd buys, on her own, you some wonderful gift each year then I think you should be willing to buy her one as well.