What are reasonable boundaries for adult SKs and SMs?

Forums:

I was wondering what you think about this.

Each person has different boundaries. Some people do one-on-one things with their parents. I go out to lunch with my dad twice a month. Same with my mom- we often go out to lunch or dinner together. My DH and I each also spend a lot of one-on-one quality time with each SD.

What do you think reasonable boundaries for adult SKs and SMs are, and how can everyone go about discussing them and working them out so the results are fair for everyone?

For me personally, counseling can be a great way to work these out, both for myself and with others (mostly DH and SDs). Having a neutral third party to hear our concerns and give suggestions to help us find a middle ground is amazing. My boundaries as a SM are:

1) You don't have to love or like me but you do need to treat me respectfully.
2) If you have a problem with me, you can always talk with me about it.
3) You treat my marriage to your Dad with respect, and I'll treat your relationships with him with respect. Meaning, I think it's great that you get one-on-one time with your Dad, but don't shred me to him. If you say to him, "I'm having problems with Anon, can you give me suggestions on working through them?" or "Dad, I've been feeling a lot of jealousy towards Anon, can you help me to work through that?" that is fine, but don't come shooting arrows at me like you're Robin Hood by calling me names or making false accusations against me.

I think your boundaries are

I think your boundaries are fair. How ever I can say that my parents divorce when I was 27. I was very close to my father and if he had tried to be in a relationship after the first few years. I know that I would have been jealous my older sister felt the same. We are in our 40s now. But our Daddy was like a best friend. If your in a new relationship I would go slowly. The sk will respect your more if you let them have their time with their dad.

I am glad you think the SM's

I am glad you think the SM's boundaries are fair. But is it fair to decide for your Father when it is the right time for him to have a relationship or how fast it should go? I think you would like to decide what is best in your own relationships. In most cases SMs WANT their Husbands to spend time with their kids. My SD and Husband can see each other any time they want - as long as it is not in my home because SD does not show any respect for me as her Father's wife and treats me like I am invisible in my own home.

I can see pros and cons to

I can see pros and cons to both sides. Our solution has been.....

I refuse to see them, but if he wants to see them at a neutral location for a visit - like a resturant halfway between our two homes (we live 2 hours away from each other) - we are OK with that. If they get snotty or snarky, he can leave.

On-the-other-hand, we don't feel it is appropriate for my DH to go visit his kids at their homes without me. If I am not welcome in their home, and treated with respect, he doesn't want to go. From past experience the skids have not been mature enough to be respectful towards me - and thus insulting their father. If the skids really respected their father, they would not disrespect his wife. You don't have to like someone to show them respect - especially for a short period of time. They don't seem to comprehend this, nor capable of doing it.