Annulment
:jawdrop: So the other night, my H and I had a fight about the kids not having any real rules in the hotel room. I need structure in my life and If the only structure I can get is bedtime, then so be it, and he doesn't enforce it. So anywho, he got mad at me, and all of a sudden he was texting like crazy with someone. I asked him about it, because it is his right to bitch about me, but I want to know who he is bitching too. He said he was talking to his sister who has SS8 for a few days. So last night, I got curious, and I snuck a peek at his phone. I wanted to know what was said. I wanted to know what I am up against. And I know I should respect his privacy and that when you go looking for something you usually find something you didn't want to find. I did. She said that she was concerned bc SS8 really doesn't like wonderland. And H said he knows and he is thinking the marriage might have been a mistake, and him and MIL have been talking, and he is thinking about looking into an annulment. So I looked at the texts from MIL and it was her idea. I am so distraught over the fact that he would end our marriage over the fact that SS8 and I are having issues. We have been forced to live in the same place, and we have only been doing so for a few days. WTF does he expect, everyone to be happy and loveydovey off the bat? He hasn't said anything to me, and I told him last night, that I know the first few days were tough, and I hope that when SS8 and MIL get back, things can go better, and I am truly sorry for the way things went the first few days. But I don't know what to do. My heart hurts to think that this man that I love so much is thinking about ending our marriage, hasn't said anything, still says he loves me, still snuggles up at night. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that had I not looked, I would have been blindsided and left with nothing. He married me, moved me accross the country, I haven't gotten a job, because of the move, and I am nowhere near family. And now it just might not be working!!!! WTF
I feel for you. I think DH
I feel for you. I think DH should consider getting family counseling for all of you, and individual counseling for SS. It's unrealistic to think that everything will always be smooth sailing.
What are your interests? Look for clubs and activities in your new area that might interest you. That's a great way to get out of the house, have fun and meet new people. It can also lead to great friendships. DH should do this for SS too- enroll him in a few activities that'd interest him.
I have been trying to get
I have been trying to get involved, but we are a single car family right now, and until the kids start their new school next week, I won't have the car. I am going to get counseling for me as soon as I can. DH doesnt agree with counseling for the family. MIL and I have talked about SS8 getting into counseling, and I am more than willing to get him in. If not all 3 kids. I just don't know where to start. We don't move to our new house for 2.5 weeks. I am not wanting to start a fight about the invasion of his privacy, and so I don't feel comfortable saying anything about the text messages. What would a lawyer be able to do? What would the reason for going be? I don't want my marriage to end. I love my husband so much. And I used to love his kids more than anything too. But after so much time apart, I am having a really hard time reconnecting with them.
Oh sweetie, my heart is
Oh sweetie, my heart is breaking for you. It's very disturbing that your DH is confiding in his family instead of sharing his doubts and fears with you. His allegiances are all wrong. I suggest a heart to heart and tell him that you are concerned because you don't think SS likes you and how that will affect your family (DH, you and SS). Hopefully, DH will open up to you and share his concerns and you can get it all on the table to talk through. He's starting his marriage off completely wrong by turning to others instead of his wife as his confidant. His reaction to concerns is completely unhealthy and will destroy an already tenuous marriage. If he's not willing to talk about this with you, I'd personally rethink whether you want a future with this man. I'm sorry, sweetie.
I so agree that her DH's
I so agree that her DH's allegiances are all wrong...that dynamic does not change easily. My daughter is going through the allegiance issue at the moment with her boyfriend. Boyfriend is being a dick, seems to want to break up, is stringing her along, obviously is talking to his mother about the relationship and saying awful things about my daughter to his mom, now his mother (who used to adore my daughter) is beginning to side with her precious son and essentially is inserting herself in the relationship. What a great future mom in law, huh?
But it is really about the boyfriend setting up this dynamic, so he does not have to take responsibility for the relationship.
This is the dynamic that played out in my ex-marriage. My ex would cry to everyone, friends and family, about what a bitch I was, and everyone sided with him without even asking me my side or exploring the whole issue. He felt justified, because they all supported him. He knew he could play this game and justify his actions and boy did he! Nevermind that he had very specific actions that caused me to have to react in the ways I did, just as long as he could get sympathy for me being a bitch. This is a form of emotional abuse.
Does your DH consider the decision of moving you guys into a hotel a good one? To me, this is part of the problem, everyone has been uprooted and put into a very strained situation in close proximity and that does no good.
Bottom line is- he should not be talking down you or ya'lls relationship to anyone...especially his family, it causes too much conflict.
We didn't have much of a
We didn't have much of a choice, our house won't be ready until nov. 16, and we had military orders to move to the east coast. He considers it a crappy situation. But he thinks its a great thing that his mom decided to move out here with us... which I hate
I understand on the military
I understand on the military move.
Protect yourself...he may act on his impulses to annull the marriage, but what I worry for you about is his allegiance to his family and not to the VOWS he made with you. At the least, he is being deceptive and that is not a good way to start a relationship.
I wish I had found out earlier in my ex-marriage the extent to which my ex talked to his family about me - it would have saved me years of heartache- I would have dissolved the relationship alot sooner. It was sneaky and backhanded to have all these dynamics in my relationship with him that I didn't even know about, because he had input fom these people that helped strain our relationship. It put me at a disadvantage to have a partnership with him, it made our relationship fake, you know what I mean.
Edited to clarify: when my ex would talk about me to his family and friends, it was usually a lie or him being completely deceptive with them also, by not telling the truth about the whole situation. An example was when he spent $400 on meth in 2 weeks time and I couldn't pay rent and blew up about it - the friends and family didn't get told about the meth, but they did get told that I threw a shitfit and was throwing things at him. Hence they got part of the story, I looked like a bitch and that satisfied his need to "expose my bad behavior" and get his sympathy from everyone. Before his meth habit, he did these same things... so it wasn't the drugs. Something so small: he told me he payed the electric bill..he lied... electricity was cut off for the entire weekend because even when I paid it Friday after 5, the would still not reconnect until Monday. Did I get pissed...yes...was I a bitch about it yes...he went and cried to his mommy about me being a bitch. Do you think there was any mention of his lying and deception about the bill...nope!
The deceptive behavior is the problem. Then, the problems are mushroomed out by straining the relationships between you and whoever he talks to about it. In your case, your mother-in law, who lives with you.
I really like the idea of
I really like the idea of bringing it up to him as a concern. Because then it isn't a problem with me looking at his texts which I shouldn't have done. But I am glad I did, so I have an opportunity to help fix the situation. I think I might talk to him tonight, and just say ya know SS8 is going to be back soon, and I realize that I may have taken the wrong approach with him when he was here last, how do you (dh) think I should handle it to make things better now. I really fear that SS8 doesn't like me, and I don't want that to end up breaking up our family.
That's the part that gets me.
That's the part that gets me. His exwife, was a sack of shit. She litterally sat on the couch and did nothing, didn't even feed the kids. And he stayed with her for 6 years. Ummmm really??? I punish your kid for talking back and arguing, and It's see ya later??? WTF?
He is behaving like a
He is behaving like a teenager. I agree that you should try to work things out but you must protect yourself. You are in a very dangerous situation in that he has all of the control and can spring anything on you at any point and he is clearly willing to do so. I suggest that you start getting money together together in any way possible and hide it from hom. Let your family back home know what is going on and that you may need their assistance. You were very smart to have read his texts. Take care of YOU!!!
I talked to my bestfriend
I talked to my bestfriend tonight, and told her what was going on. She suggested I ask him to talk after the kids go to bed. And lay it all out, what I plan on saying when I talk to SS when he gets back, just so my words can't get twisted, the way I have been feeling about my decisions for disclipline being underminded after he comes home from work, the way I am treated by Skids, MIL, and DH. Everything out in the open. And also that I have things that I need a counselor for, I have time and time again told him I need his support in me getting the help I need, and I am not getting any help from him. I need him to start supporting me, so we can support our family life, and marriage together. Also, I am going to add something about how I am hoping that if he has been having any doubts, I would hope that he would be able to come to me the way I am coming to him... maybe then he will tell me what is going on... I can only hope.