To have a family meeting or not to ?!
My Hubby has decided he wants to hold a family meeting while his daughter is here this weekend ,,
He thinks he needs to confront both " his daughter " 15, and "our daughter" 13 ( yes , this is how he refer's to them) , and discuss the violent fight they had last weekend , it was physical , emotional , and the SD took my journal and locked herself in the bedroom and read it , my daughter is not innoncent , she told SD where she thought I hid it , only to" show SD how much I hate her " ( my daughter is already grounded for that ..) , during the fight my/our daughter threw SD's things outside and locked all the doors and unplugged the phone SD was trying to use to call her BM, but SD also said she was going to kill her if she got her hands on her , my daughter ended up locking herself in the basement , calling me at work crying and screaming , with SD in the background screaming ,, ( all this while my mom had taken our 4year old to the store for 1 hour !!) , the girls were fine when she left , they were supposed to clean their room and do the dishes while my mom was away for that whole hour (needless to say that never happened !) my hubby was at work ( he had to go in he had no choice , for 4 hours that day ). The SD waited till my mom left the house and told my girl she was calling this other girl ( who lives close by and is not allowed at our house or allowed to call here ) so my daughter told her it was against the rules and she was going to tell their dad and thats when the fight started I guess ,,,
Anyhoo , my mom regained controll of them and hubby came home to a mess of girls crying and screaming ,, naturally he yells at our daughter and goes and sits with SD and asks her kindly what happened ,, well , our daughter is never going to forgive him for that , even my mom told him , it is totally wrong to treat them sooo diffrent when they are both at fault ! So we get into it when I get home , SD is already home with BM by then and has probably shared most of my journal with her by that point ... Hubby and I get into it about how unfair he is to our daughter and he takes SD's side no matter how wrong she is , ( at this point I could care less if she read my journal ) , we go round and round and get no where ...our 13yo , has decided she will not spend one more second of her life with her half sister , she doesnt even want to be under the same roof as her and has refused to be here for any amount of time this weekend while SD is here . My hubby wants me to force her to come home on sunday and have this family meeting and talk about what happened ,,,
My daughters take on this is ,,, daddy is going to act like he's interested in both sides , until his daughter starts the fake tears and the needy thumb sucking blanket holding , feel bad for me ,, you were never around to teach me anything daddy.. bulls**t, or he'll make rules he'll expect our daughter to follow but not his , or he's going to listen to both sides ,, but belive only SD's story and our daughter is going to be put down and yelled at in front of SD again ,,, so she just will not go and said , even if I do make her come home , she'll lock herself in her room and not say one single word !
I dont know what to do ,, I kind of agree with our daughter , I can totally see where this is headed , she is going to lay on the guilt and the you were never there daddy bull and he's going to buy it , play into it ,,, I'm gonna call her on it and my hubby and I are going to end up going head to head infront of these girls ,,, I do want my daughter to learn to deal with her problems face to face, but I dont think now is the time , its all too fresh , and if hubby and I arnt on the same page either , what good is a meeting going to do but re-hash and re-new an old problem ... ( this is all going to put a real kink in my whole disengaging plan ..)
anyone got an oppinon either way ? to meet or not to meet ? SOO sorry this ended up being a lot longer than I had planned!
Oh my, I am so sorry. I
Oh my, I am so sorry. I agree 100% with your daughter. YOU SHOULD NOT subject her to this BS meeting her daddy has decided to have. If what he normally does is protect his kid of divorce and put down YOUR DAUGHTER TOGETHER, he is an idiot and I would NOT subject OUR daughter to that. You and him are the ONLY ones who should be talking and getting this straightened out. And if he can't see that he treats his other kid better than your kiddo together, then I would NOT make OUR daughter have to put up with ANYTHING from him.
This is the way it is in many blended families I think. The kids of divorce get whatever they want, the other kids are the scapegoats and our DHs usually are more harsh on our kids together than on their loser kids. My DH did this when our son was just 1...his loser 8 yr old could do no wrong, but our son would get punished for doing things that she was never punished for. So I finally put my foot down and told my DH "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL YOU reprimand OUR SON until YOU learn to be fair. The day I see that you actually reprimand your pathetic daughter for ANYTHING, then I will allow you to reprimand our son. Until that happens, I will stick up for my son and take him elsewhere...and if you don't like it, take a hike!" Honestly, I don't think he ever really got it. Thankfully, we moved out of the country. After that, as time went by, I continued to tell him NOT to reprimand our son...I would point out how "wait! you remprimand our 3yr old for doing X, but while in that other place your daughter at 9 did the same and you couldn't reprimand her?" Until he FINALLY admitted that he was wrong, did I allow him to reprimand our son. And I could care less.
I am sick of these kids, BMs and all their stupid families, including our DHs treating these kids like kings and queens, while our kids always have different rules to live by. Too bad. Not in MY house.
I've called my DH out on this
I've called my DH out on this unfair treatment as well. My SS would lie to our faces and could never do anything wrong. He was never in trouble because DH was so scared that he would go live with BM, which ended up happening anyway - which then made it worse, he'd try to bribe SS into coming over. Drove me nuts.
DS is almost 4 and I've had to actual step in, send DS to his room and tell DH to back off. I'm so protective of DS, not because he's mine but because I see him getting in trouble for things at 4 that at 12-15 SS got away with.
Part of the faultis mine - I know this unfairness was the result of guilty parenting but I also find it very hard not to separate the 2 - I wanted DH to get on SS when he was doing all that stuff so it should be ok that he gets on DS.
However in your case I would so not let this meeting happen.
Yup , I'm leaning in that
thank you so much for your input , I did let hubby know there will be no punishment by him to our daughter anymore , until he can do the same with 'his' ,,, ( his reply ,, how am I gonna punish a kid I only see every other weekend ?" I dont know ,,, figure it out , every idea I've thought of got shot down , now its your turn daddy dearest !
I just cant help feeling like I'm missing an opportunity to teach my daughter how to face her fears or her problems and work through them , ( thats just the way I was brought up , there was no running away in my family ..) , but I am sure there will be other times we can do that ... thanks again !
Honestly, I think your DH is
Honestly, I think your DH is responsible for the entire mess. If he hadn't been favoring SD15, then DD wouldn't have felt the need to tell SD15 where your journal was in order to "prove" that at least one of her parents still loved her the most. Yes, what she did was wrong, but considering the circumstances I don't really blame her.
And DH is out of his mind if he thinks he can't punish a kid he only sees every other weekend. There is no social setting ON THE PLANET that does not have rules and consequences regardless of how long a person is there (except your house, apparently). If SD is already struggling (on probation) with the concept of personal responsibility, slacking off with rules and discipline is only going to aggravate the problem for her. What she needs right now is structure.
I don't know if you have a friend or relative nearby that you can stay with, but I might consider taking DD and DS to stay with them during the time your SD is home until DH realizes he's an idiot and he's about to lose his family.
While on the phone with my
While on the phone with my momma , she suggested I take the kids (DD was going there anyways for the weekend) go stay with her and my dad , Let him handle his princess for the whole weekend and see how he feels when its just the two of them .. I'm thinking it might help clue him in , but at the same time I'm thinking , they may like it even more , she'll have no one to torment , no fights will insue because of this , and like always she'll be on her very best behavior for daddy dearest , so they'll end up with a lovely quiet , drama free weekend , and to have him all to herself will be giving her exactly what she wants ,, so then does she think she's won ? that all she has to do is fight with our daughter and we'll all leave her to her daddy every time ? I fear this may backfire on me in that way if I take the kids and go ,, I'm also thinking , it may be nice to see her squirm knowing she has to face me after reading my journal and she is aware I am not happy about this ! nothing a little guilt, a little thumb sucking , daddy cuddling cant fix . Next thing I know he'll be making ME feel bad for being mad at her ! Maybe we all do just need to get away , seperate , all I can do is hope hubby gets the picture and she doesnt get the wrong idea ...
good point about my daughter showing SD where I kept my journal , I didnt even look at it like that , I just took it for what she said .. very angry with myself for not seeing her actions for what they truly were ... see , I'm soo consumed with this SD from hell and my alien husband , I would have gotten that right off .. but now .. my brain is being invaded by this kid I cant even think straight !
Wow!! You need to be your
Wow!! You need to be your daughter's advocate. Your husband has so much guilt with your SD that it is clouding his judgement. So you need to. I would make it so they are never in the house together again. Your SD is going to age out and not want to visit anymore. This relationship that he wants with her is never going to happen. There is too much damage and too many years. They can have a relationship but, it won't be what he envisioned. He can however have it with your Bio daughter. But, not if he continues to screw up like this. She will not forgive him. It will be years if he doesn't wise up. Unfortunately guilt is all he is using as his judgement. So you have to do it for him. Keep them away from each other. Let the incident go and do not discuss it with your daughter anymore. As for the SD, nothing you say will get it across to her. She is "cooked" as my husband says about our SD15. She is who she is.
Just do what is best for yours. I would be gone with her everytime she is visisting. If not, she stays at MIL or GMA or goes to a friend. But, they are never, ever alone. Please update us...
I agree I wouldnt make your
I agree I wouldnt make your DD come home for this farce of a family meeting. Family suggests that you are a fair, loving and harmonious unit - right now, you are anything but which is down to your DH.
Its up to you to protect your children from DH and sd, this includes from any hurt and unfairness which is going on.
Personally I think you need to look at the bigger picture. I appreciate you are having to deal with this recent situation, however its a side effect of the main issue - which is the favouritism your DH is evidentally showing his eldest, which in turn is pushing his wife and other children away. Really must be extremely hurtful for you all.
Right now, I would be asking myself some serious questions about how long you are prepared to endure this? Are you prepared to always live like this? Are you prepared for your children to be treated like they are and constantly thrown under the bus, and damaged from the hurt they are being dealt by their father and half sister?
I dont blame your daughter for wanting to go over her grandparents, she must be feeling so insecure and hurt. What she did wasnt right, but it was understandable when her home is being invaded by someone she barely knows and her father cant bear to be around her anymore. She very likely feels replaced. God knows what the 4 year old thinks. Your DH should be ashamed of himself, of the pain he is causing everyone and things could be different - only if he treated everyone equally and parented his troubled daughter appropriately.
What does DH think about his deteriorating relationship with dd and even the 4 yr old? Is he happy with you? I ask because I am wondering if he even notices or cares about anyone except himself.
I can see where you are coming from when it comes to not wanting to leave your home because sd is around, but maybe if you all completely and coldly distance yourself from him he will realise what he is doing...and if he doesnt...then you have answer...he doesnt really care...
Personally I wouldnt allow sd to come around anymore. If any child decided to steal or act like that without consequence then I would be uninviting them to my home and telling DH he is welcome to go out and spend time with sd - you and your children have decided to opt out of any relationship until he and sd can act appropriately. Oh and I would MEAN it and I would ensure DH wouldnt cross me. There comes a point where you need to take back control from people who are acting unreasonable, even if its not a route you wanted to take (which this wouldnt be) however if your hand is forced, then you have to protect you, your children (I would NOT allow DH or sd to push DD out, like hell would that happen) and home first and foremost.
Hi Leese, I feel for you and
Hi Leese,
I feel for you and the situation you're in.
Would DH be open to getting family counseling, with all the kids, or getting both SD and BD13 individual counseling? BD's had to deal with her dad becoming a totally different person, while SD probably has a lot of unresolved issues she needs to work through.
Nope , that will never happen
Nope , that will never happen , he will never , ever go to counseling , never .. I did make some calls on my daughters behalf to get her some counseling , my DD is all for it wich I am very happy about , I told the therapist I'd be more than happy to participate also but her dad is a no go and he's the main problem ,,, SD has been in family counciling for a few years now because of problems with her step-father and mom , then she has to see the school therapist (per court order ) and anger management ( again per court order ..) and CPS is involved at her home due to her poor behavior at school and telling the guidance consellor her step-dad hits her ( she admitted later he never did..) but they still come on visits and take her out to talk once a month .. obvoiusly none of them see through her Bull , she is a master performer , she wont suck her thumb or cuddle her blanky when they are around , and she's got them all on the "poor poor me, I never knew my daddy, thats why I act out " train ... still cant believe people get paid to help her and no one can see through the sham .. soon as they are gone she is out the door , out all night , smoking , drinking , walking all around town all hours of the night with her friends and laughing about how no councilor is ever going to change who she is !
Yuck! No dont have a family
Yuck! No dont have a family meeting. The heads of the household dont even agree-so I cant see the point of you guys arguing in front of these girls. I also agree that this is mostly about your dh. Sounds as if the other kids feel abandoned as he is so busy cuddling this freaky girl on her weekends that they have lost their dad (I am remembering right? she's the one who wants to cuddle with dad all the time?). Bottom line, is you dont know this girl. And I respect your dh's desire to get to know his dd-but to just immediately integrate her into the family was not the wisest of moves. It shouldve happened slowly-maybe they couldve met at a restaurant,eventually she comes over for the afternoon, eventually one overnight, and then progressing to all weekend. This would have given everybody more time to adjust to this and frankly if things werent going well-you may have needed to stop with him having lunch with her. He is not interacting with her a parent does a child. Having her in his home eowe with him in charge, but not acting as parent, is just bad. I think he should have had lunch dates and such until he got to know her and figured out how to parent her.
Everyone in your family has had to adjust including the other kids. I wonder how much consideration your dh has given their feelings in this process? If your dd has nver acted in this manner before then I would strongly suspect that yes, it is this girls' fault. And if I read correctly she did not get punished? Um, yeah-tell your dh YOU will be happy to sit in on a family meeting with him and sd in which he explains to her what HER punishment will be for all of this. threatening to kill someone, stealing someone's personal property and sharing it with others-all not cool. And very very deserving of punishment. If your dh does nto punish her I dont think I would be comfortable with her coming to the house.
My situation is not like yours, but my dh is somewhat like yours. He feels he cannot punish ss if he is not here full time. Just says he cant do it, he feels it is wrong. Worries he will not want to come over here (which he doesnt anyway)so unwilling to actually parent him. Told dh I was just uncomfortable with that. SS listens to me not at all, and if dh is unwilling to punish him basically you have a 13 year old in charge of himself and ruling the roost. SS has not been for a visit here in 2 months. Until my dh can step up and be a real parent then he's not coming. My dh acts as if he truly does not get how he can be a parent if ss is not here. Ive given him a million suggestions on visiting ss elsewhere, calling him daily, being involved with his school, talking with his teachers, etc, etc-but he's done none of it-so I figure he must be ok with the no visits.
Please be willing to put your foot down to protect your other children.
You can't have a productive
You can't have a productive family meeting if the adults can't get on the same page for it. In fact, I think to try to do it otherwise can make even more issues in your family. Because you & your DH aren't seeing eye-to-eye, it will likely end up being a pointing-fingers blame game. If you can't come eye-to-eye, how could he expect the group of you to do it?
Creating a stage for all of that to play out in front of the kids will just accentuate the fracture in the unity & will have SD feeling that much more certain that her dad is her teammate instead of yours.
OK, So , NO family meeting ,,
OK, So , NO family meeting ,, YAAYYY! My daughter is sooo happy , and I promised her it will never happen until her dad punishes 'his' daughter too ! I should have snapped a picture , her face was priceless , she is sooo relived and so am I ! Hubby is not ok with it , he thinks it should all be worked out and new rules need to be set up , to wich my reply was , I am not going to sit them down and set up rules that only OUR daughter is going to be expected to follow and be the only one puinshed if she doesnt ,, not gonna happen ,, when he can learn to set up rules and enforce them on BOTH girls , then and only then will I even consider a sit down ! After a lot of back and forth (and me getting baited into yet another argument about SD) I think he knows its never going to happen and he is fully aware our daughter is no longer punished for showing where my journal was , explaining that is like talking to a wall ,(thinks I am just making excuses for our daughter ,) he is sooo deep in denial about him hurting our daughter , I can tell he honestly belives he isnt treating her any diffrently , he truly cant see it ,,... (wasnt up for that argument last night so I stopped it right there !)
what are you doing letting your 15 year old get a peircing ( BM could care less , I guess I shouldnt either ) just another excuse for her to wear half shirts I suppose !! way to go daddy ! C)you are talking about taking this kid to a place where you know our daughters are going to be with their grandma this weekend ( not the tattoo place , the kids are going to the town fair with grammy , tattoo place is right there next to the fair !) is that just to rub it in their face that she's with you ?! when I asked him to think of another shop to take her to , he told me he'd take 'his' daughter wherever he felt like it ! ,,,
So , this weekend he has to work again for 4 hours , I'm working all weekend too , last weekend was SD's 15 bday , we were going to celebrate it this weekend on her weekend to be here , BUT now that we know she cant be left alone and my mom has outright refused to be around SD , I told him I am NOT going to watch her , he wants her here , he's going to be here with her , not me ! NOW he wants to switch her weekend to next weekend ( my weekend off ,, GRRRR!) but still wants to drive over an hour to get her this saturday and take her to get her bellybutton peirced for her Bday gift ,,, can I say WTF ?! A) why would you make and extra trip if you dont have to ?! we barely have enough gas money to get back and forth to work daily!
I am just sooo over all of this bull , I am feeling soo far at the end of my rope I could just snap at any given moment ,,,
this is exactly why 14 years ago when we got together , I told him ,( no lie , I really did tell him straight out !) he better be sure that little girl is NOT his baby , I didnt want to be a step mother then , or deal with the BM and her crap (and I dont want to now) ,, I just want my quiet life back !! So many issues are being thrown at me , so many things I told him from the 1st date I would never , ever do , all I wanted was MY OWN family , MY OWN home , a QUIET life , I had it all , untill less than a year ago this girl came around and took it all away with one line to my daughter ,,, " I think my dad is your dad and I'm your sister ,,,,"
I feel so bad for you. We at
I feel so bad for you. We at least knew this was our lives going in. You didn't. He has his head up his ass on this. Just keep your daughter away from her. She doesn't need that stress. What does he think about MIL not wanting the kid around her? That should say a lot. Also, what a fool for taking a 15 year old to get a belly button ring. What is next, tattoo and bleached out hair. Just tell her it is okay to get pregnant while in HS as well. What an idiot! Sorry, but kids need boundaries and he clearly can't set them, so he should just spend time with her on his own away from your house. SD15 is not allowed in our home. I made that very clear when she bleached her hair and got her first piercing with BM. I do not want that kind of trash around my son.