Get it together
I'm really depressed by SO's attitude. I seem to spend more time "getting over" stuff than getting anything done.
Our problem isn't the kid's, it's that SO is to gutless to confront his own that live here (27 - 22) about their slackness and joblessness but continues to pick on my 18 yr old who granted is almost as slack but at least works.
My youngest 13, is home from school today - tired from listening to SO rant and rave.
The pattern is getting old. I'm getting worn out. Feeling guilty because I'm putting my kids through this shit again. It's been over 11 years.
I walked out on SO a few of years back because he became abusive towards me and my 3 children because he couldn't deal with BM games and the resulting stuff going on with his youngest child then 11(child discovered if he stopped eating he became the centre of the universe, very special, mummy and daddy spoilt him and screamed at everyone else. It is the worst case of parent manipulation I have ever witnessed and SO bought it all against the advise of psych's - backfired on SS when I left, and Daddy sent him to live with his mother).
We got back together - well really he just moved with me and we only had a couple of weeks apart. Everything had been mostly good for a couple of years. His youngest spend weekends and holidays with us and is very respectful, even loving to me.
Then his two adult children's BM(different mother to youngest)got fed up with their budging ways and sent them to live with us. I have posted about this before. 10 months on DH finds the only way he can deal with the situation is to fault find with my BD18. I know what he is doing and try to deflect and ignore. Then he start's with his mocking voice and gets nastier till he gets a reaction - I'm only human. As soon as I react it's like a victory for him.
The next morning he gets up like nothing's happened and on noticing I'm not bouncing around like my usual happy self asks why I'm "sulking", or alternatively glares at me showing how disgusted he is in me. Occasionally he even tries to demand an apology. I know his behavior is abuse.
Fortunately for him, I also know he is suffering severely from guilty daddy syndrome, and depression or I wouldn't be here. He is being paid by the government to care for me after a serious op so is not working - although he could have gone back to work months ago as I am now able to look after myself relatively well and am studying full time from home - or trying anyway. Some days he will lay on the bed for most of it totally depressed and unmotivated and then gets up and start picking and drinking. When he's not in this frame of mind he's great.
I don't want to leave again - I just want him to get it together. Unfortunately he is to much the man to seek help.
I know If I left again it would resolve the problem - he would go back to work, stop supporting his kids(without his and my payments he couldn't) and picking on mine. I really do love him and I know he loves me. We have our lives planned together,but this is getting to much.
Having to walk away again just to make him get it together is so damn unfair. I don't think I could do it again and not mean for it to be over. How the hell do I get through to him.
I don't think you can get
I don't think you can get through to him. My EXH was an alcoholic, not abusive or mean, but it's destructive nonetheless. I tried for years to "get through to him", fix him, change him...all pointless because he didn't feel he needed to change. I had to finally leave...I did love him, but he was dragging me down with him.
I see many red flags here...
1) He won't seek help. If he doesn't, he will not change. You know he can be better because he improves when you leave. He is choosing not to be better and you are enabling him.
2) He's abusive. This is NEVER ok. If this is how he handles stress, you will always be abused because life is stressful. He's showing bullying behaviors with you and son but is a coward with his kids.
3) You are making excuses for him. You need to stop waiting for the fairy tale ending...it's not going to happen in this situation. If he were such a wonderful man, he wouldn't be abusive towards you. He would get help. He would care about you more than himself. He would respect himself enough to stand up to his kids. He would protect you.
What he is doing is not love. I know this sounds harsh, but if you want your situation to change, you have to do it. It's very telling that he gets his doodoo together when you move out. Why can't he do it while you're there?
At the very least, I hope you go see a therapist. Maybe they can help you sort this all out and help you see the truth of the situation. {{{{Hugs}}}} Nobody deserves abuse...don't accept it anymore!
I know you are right, and boy
I know you are right, and boy do I need the hugs.
I have seen a therapist.... before I summonsed the strength and left last time. It's just so damn hard.....
The thing is, and I know this is an excuse, when there is no stress things are great. but like you said, life is stressful.
I can't get away from feeling if he would get his s**t together we'll be ok again.
Right now all the fight's gone out of me. I'm just so damn tired and disappointed and hurt.
I feel for you, I really do.
I feel for you, I really do. I can just read the pain in your posts. But you have a child to think about too. You really should talk to a doctor and consider meds. Even just temporarily, to get you over this hump. You need to regain your strength so you can make smart decisions. I was dating a verbally abusive guy once and I was stuck...my pastor told me...what you see is what you get, meaning don't expect him to change. Abusive men do have a very sweet side to them. That's what keeps us there. They throw us a bone, and we're so desperate for love and approval at that point, we jump at it...and that's what we remember. The moment they were wonderful.
He may never get it together...{{{{Hugs}}}} You're worth so much more than what he gives!