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Fighting with DH again

lily11's picture

Submitted by lily11 on Mon, 08/15/2011 - 12:59pm

So we had a big, ugly fight the day after ss15 went home.

I just feel tired of it all. Tired of trying to be nice, to compromise when it comes to his son. I am tired of being treated like a stranger in my own home. Tired of ss15 being in charge of the TV, the couch. Tired of him being lazy and not picking up one single thing after himself. Tired of him being irritated at what I have prepared for dinner or what type of food I buy at the grocery store. Tired of his behavior and attitude setting the entire mood of our home the entire time he's here. What makes it even more frustrating for me is that when ss15 goes home, DH is sad and upset for days and I know it sounds mean and insensitive but I get really tired of it. I want my life back, my husband back and there is constant disruption. Even after things settle down, there will be drama and issues because ss15 doesn't go to school half the time and is constantly failing classes so that is something DH is constantly dealing with.

DH acknowledges all this. He has talked with him about the way he behaves around me and I do admit that things get slightly better when he talks at length with ss15. But I just don't feel like I want to put up with any of it any more. I am just really tired of ss15's behavior and I dread that he has to keep coming back to visit. DH tries to listen and understand but I don't think he really does. I am finally understanding why people on this website say they disengage altogether - and I'm finally understanding what disengaging really means.

This is what yesterday's big fight was about: DH said he needed to get out of the house to take his mind off being depressed about his son leaving. I wanted to stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet and freedom in my own home again - that I haven't enjoyed in weeks. DH was furious, he said I was insensitive. I felt he was insensitive because I was feeling just as stressed as he was, just over different things. So I was stubborn and didn't want to go anywhere. It was a ridiculous fight.

This is an ongoing issue between us and no matter how I try to communicate it, DH doesn't understand. There have been plenty of times I've been stressed and wanted him to go do something with me, etc. and he can't because of obligations with ss15 (or DH's grad school, work, etc.) and I have to just accept that and go do things on my own. I feel extremely resentful that I am expected to wait for him to have time for me but I am to be right there when he needs me. It doesn't feel fair. No matter how I try to communicate this, he doesn't get it. He says that I cannot expect him to set aside commitments with his son, school or work. I don't have as many commitments as he does and I feel that he expects me to just be there waiting for him, sensitive to his every need and if he's too busy then he can't help it if he can't be there for me when I need his time or attention, etc.

Am I being unreasonable?

Comments

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Mon, 08/15/2011 - 1:15pm

No,I think you both are coming off the skid being there frustration and want to deal with it differently.

I have felt like this too. When skids aren't there he has time for me and wants to do things together. When they are there its whatever they want to do, unless he has something he has to do for work. Basically, we get put aside and then expected to fall back into place when all is "normal" again.

Sometimes I'm there, sometimes I'm not.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Mon, 08/15/2011 - 1:26pm

OH yeah, been there, done that. GG would mope around for DAYS when the skids weren't here. When they were here I was to have certain junk food and candy for them and basically act as their maid, all the while they disrespected me with full approval from GG.

Are you cooking or cleaning for sS15? IF so, stop immediately. Biodad needs teh REAL FEEL of parenting.

Let DH pick up after SS15. After a while, he'll stop pining after SS (as he only sees the "good side" b/c you are the designated ogre/scapegoat) and will start DREADING his visits.

(smile sweetly)

"Hon, I can't possibly in good conscience pick up after SS; that's something that YOU should do as quality time with SS"

(smile sweetly some more; then don't lift a FINGER for SS whatsoever)

reluctantgma's picture

Submitted by reluctantgma on Mon, 08/15/2011 - 1:44pm

Probably not unreasonable, lily. What I learned today is that the fathers, bfs, DHs (MEN, to sum it up) often don't have a clue how to put themselves in our shoes to feel what we do. Maybe that's likewise for us sm's?

By sticking to my focus, I eventually understood that bf was putting a lot of focus and effort into addressing things that he thought were important to me which either weren't important or not addressed in a way that was truly helpful. No wonder we both were stressed and frustrated! We spent two+ hours hashing over issues. He kept going back to making his son the issue when that really wasn't what was important to me at all, just one of several symptoms arising from general lack of mutual understanding and partnership. His avoidance of addressing uncomfortable issues and problem solving type communication between us meant he'd been out there doing his best to "fix" everything he thought I thought was wrong, but not giving me any hint about what he was doing or trying to fix.

In my case, bf berates and verbally attacks me when he feels as if he's failing at his job. It's f'ing ugly and I don't know a pat solution for it other than to keep talking to one another until there is understanding. Otherwise, "Slip out the back, Jack; Make a new plan, Stan..."