In this case, it's more like inter-generational family expectations/fears. Together, they delude themselves that they're invincible. Without one another, they tend to believe they are all utterly lost. I've been through this with the Beloved repeatedly in the course of our own relationship.

The Beloved's sister has two sons, ages 28(?) and 16. Both live at home and work at the family store. The elder one is a drinking and drug seeking miscreant that his mother and grandfather are constantly bailing out of jail. The younger is home schooled, has no close friends and is only willing to leave home (much less overnight) with other family members. The whole family (Beloved's parents, he and his siblings) were Jehovah Witnesses at one time. At first I thought that the JW's made them like they are, but finally concluded that families like them provide the foundation for the JW faith to exist!

So this is "normal" to them, no matter how incredibly dysfunctional it seems to me. SS already tries to feel me out about my feelings toward his living with us after he's reached legal adulthood. If he had his own interests or even showed some interest in developing his own interests, I probably wouldn't mind his staying with us a few years into adulthood. OTOH, if he's going to be a f-up at school and then f-up any potential independent activities and career opportunities that avail themselves, he won't be welcome in my home a day beyond when he finishes high school or turns 18. Get yer own life, brat. You will NOT live vicariously through me and your dad.

I've been through a fair share of challenges and manipulations of the Beloved by his family members, especially from his father. It almost ended our relationship. "Pa" didn't want the Beloved to let go of his marital home and property that the Beloved co-owned with his not yet ex (conveniently right around the corner from "Pa"). "Pa" dumped a lot of money he didn't have into pulling the property out of foreclosure. When I caught wind of what was going on, I told the Beloved we were finished. He was welcome to keep trying to salvage the property, but I would not have any part of it or the related soap operas. I don't know exactly what happened, but for the first time (after spending a week or two at the old house w/his son almost drinking himself to death), the Beloved seemed to have cognizance of the fact that his loving (cough) "Pa" was meddling with our relationship in a destructive, controlling way. Beloved & Son moved back in with me and let the old marital house go. That was last spring. Now the initial excitement is over and the 'company manners' have dwindled, I see both slipping back into what used to be comfortable for them. Maybe it works well in their little vacuum, but it doesn't work for me and I will not accept it as my norm.

The sins of the father are visited upon the son? However, where the Beloved struggles with his Pa's manipulations to control him and to break that cycle, he is also hounded by his son's efforts to control him too. Indeed, he is primarily responsible for teaching and molding his son into being how he is, just a shame for them both that his son is so resistant to things having changed and being different now. SS knows and plays his father's overwhelming sense of guilt to the hilt. It makes me crazy that this kid denies/refuses to have any fun or happiness unless his father is there or directly involved. That his father is so easily drawn into that game? Oy vey... :sick:

"To pity a child is doing said child the GREATEST disservice."

Surprising and unbelievable as it may be, I sorta think that I was the first person to come along and firmly point this out to BioDad. As much as the Beloved hears me and understands this by now, it's still hard for him to break what has been a lifelong habit with his son. Ss certainly has no motivation to let the spoiling and over-indulgence fade away. Saying "no" to or refusal of any demand generates a huge unspoken battle multiple times per day with him.

It served the BM and the Beloved's parents well for many years for the Beloved to be in a haze of servitude to his son too. He was always there and at their service as well, and too worn out to protest or challenge their unreasonable expectations and demands. They had no motivation to say, "Hey dude, something's wrong with this picture." Boy, I must be the 'most hated' entity all the way around. I practically screamed from the roof top, "SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!" }:)

Five years ago when I moved into this area where I met my Beloved, my youngest daughter had just moved out on her own and I believed myself to be done with parenting. I'm still very reluctant to be a parent again and don't truly picture myself as a parent to the Beloved's son. Most often I wind up the authoritative adult by default. If I didn't say, "something's wrong with this picture," his parents and adult family members wouldn't either. The trick seems to be pointing it out and stopping there. It drains me just to do that much. To go the next step and try to fix anything or implement change is usually met with great resistance, if not futile. But, once I've planted that seed of question, it festers and grows regardless of the denial. That leaves the work for them to do, as it should be...