it's hard because even having kids in your house is a hurdle to begin with, and then everything else is just added on top of that...
I have no solution but im right there with ya

I have to say that my DH did tell his children from day one that I had authority in my house and if I told them to do something they were expected to do it! It is not always perfect and I know he feels really bad when I put the hammer down...Like the day I removed my sd from the table because she was lying to my face...he did not go after her but he did not take another bite until she admitted she was lying and allowed to return to the table... he just sat there looking down...I felt bad for him. If I did not do it then she would keep lying to me...We have to have the backup of the bio parent or we will fail and so will our marriages....

That's really rough on a bio parent when their kid acts like an ass.

I swear, most they kids do it to hurt the parent. You writing about your husband looking down, poor guy. He had to be embarrassed that his daughter was a liar and that she had to be reprimanded in front of him. I sure she shamed him something fierce and didn't even care...kept lying until you absolutely called her on it.

So, she hurt her father, upset you....and guess who will hold it against both of you. Yeah...the liar.

Do you think she learned a lesson? Do you think she feels bad for her saddened father? Do you think she hates you?

They lie to your face like you're stupid enough to believe the iy...think you'll back off not to hurt their parent.

Schmucks....yes they are!!

I am also the childless SM of teenagers - 3 of them. I think dealing with teens is a HUGE challenge and dealing with kids when you have none of your own is also HUGE. So basically we got hit with a nasty double shot of OMG.

I have absolutely NO words of wisdom. I just wanted to say that I am in the same situation and feel your frustration. I swear that if I find one more popsicle stick on the couch or have one more argument with FDH about doing something regarding their smug and entitled sneering at me I am going to get in the car and drive until I run out of road. I miss the relationship I had with FDH so much! I wanted to meet his kids because I love him and wanted to see bits of him in them. I never in a million years dreamed that they would be such flatly unpleasant people! It seems like all we do now is fight about them and do things revolving around them. I truly regret taking our relationship to "the next level" by me being involved with them. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

What are you doing to cope? Do you feel that your SO/H gives you authority or support?

Thanks very much, Saffron. I also was shocked to find that only the less attractive parts of FH's personality had been passed on to them and the rest was their mother. What happened to his wit, his humor, his compassion for others? You hit the nail on the head about the child being "the type of person I loathed in high school." Perhaps that is why I have such a visceral reaction to them? The spoiled entitled kids who had no clue how good they had it and whined about how "hard" their life was.

I also expect that FH would recognize the problem and "call a spade a spade." I wonder if he avoids this because, if he did it, he would then have no option but to either DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT or admit complete failure as a parent? Either due to willful blindness or blindness caused by genuine love, it is taking a toll on the respect I have felt for this man for so long. How are you dealing with that? Do you feel that it has damaged your relationship? And if so, do you think it is something that can be overcome? Please forgive me if I am too intrusive but I have literally NO ONE in real life that is going through anything like this and my friends, though wonderful caring people, can hardly be expected to understand how it feels to see your FH/H/SO being bullied by his own children!