The last few months have been the hardest of the 2+ years I've been with SO. I try to hold on to my faith and church, and with this being my possibly second marriage, I'm holding on more just because it's what my faith says to do. Yes, we aren't married yet, and there's a reason I'm not ready to marry him...so yes I do have an "out."

So here's what I need to vent about:
Within the first year of our dating, I quit my job as a teacher to stay home and help raise SS5 at the time (not school age then) and SS6 who was having a very hard time transitioning to school. He was diagnosed this year with ADD/HD and hasn't been tested yet for bipolar which his mom has. Towards the end of last school year, SS6 could no longer handle being in kindergarten, and the time he spent there was mostly just day care because he wasn't learning anything. His teacher actually went to our school which made it a little awkward at times. I stepped up and said, this school year (that just ended) I'll homeschool SS6 (7 now), and younger one will be in regular school by then. That meant ME being home 24/7 with a child who has emotional, behavior and learning disabilities. I may be a teacher, but I didn't know what I was getting in to.

By Jan/Feb 2011 I pretty much gave up on educating him. It was hard on my ego being a teacher and being trained to adapt to any child. I was the one who suggested therapy for SS7, I suggested ADD testing. I am the one who does the doctor appointments, school visits, and all the other SAHM stuff. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I was the one who suggsted SS6 get his tonsils out, because he has sleep apnea and sore throats. I was the one who scheduled the surgery and took him. I am the one who signed the kids up for summer activities, church camp, and VBS.

I feel I'm coming to my end here, and I love my SO but I can't keep going on like this. I say to myself, just 6 more weeks and both kids will be back in regular school (I applied for SS7 to get in to a charter school with smaller class sizes...again ME!). But I keep telling myself that, just hold on a few more weeks/months.

SO has had a ton of stress and drama at work in the last 6 months or so. He works sometimes 10 hours a day which leaves me in charge of breakfast, lunch, dinner, and baths some nights. It has created tension between me and SO and me and SS7. Yes I've brought this up to SO. He escapes the stress by playing computer games sometimes from 8 pm until 2 am!!! No time for cuddling Today he yelled at me because of all things, I opened the blinds just like he does every morning?! So...I laid in bed all morning and caught up on my shows took a nap, and did some laundry. I left him in charge of HIS kids. Instead of engaging with them, he played his computer all day. I don't think he understands that he is spending no time with HIS kids.

Don't even ask about BM! She hasn't seen her kids since last Halloween! She has supervised visits only 48 hours a month and lives a half days drive away.

Any suggestions, tips, similar stories? I don't want to give up, but I don't feel wanted in this family. I don't feel like I fit in with them.