I will try to be as general as possible, to keep this post from being a book. My girlfriend has 7 children, 5 at home, 2 grown. I am from the old school (oddly so considering she is 14 years my elder) and she is waaaay progressive, or so she thinks. She subscribes to the theory that punishing children is bad, and when verbally attacked by one of them, I get in more trouble for defending myself than they do for being loud, verbally abusive, or downright disrespectful. Each of these kids, as you might guess has their own set of issues that I attribute to a lack of structure. The 21 year old is very obviously gay, though she is in denial. The 19 year old, actually the best of the bunch, is a recent convert to the zeitgeist movement and swore off meat (hilarious considering he was a lover of the baconator at Wendy's). The 16 year old is very obviously an addict, and has had numerous run ins with the law, and with me, as the only true lasting punishment he has ever received is being grounded for a month for getting caught stealing medication of mine (more on that later). The 10 year old has been diagnosed with ADHD, and would lie if the truth sounded better, and argue with anyone, truly the most disrespectful child I have ever met. The 2 year old, who will listen to me when she isn't in sight, mainly because I have been here over half his life, and he knows I don't take crap. But if she is present will whine and cry and throw a fit for ANY, and Everything he wants and she tries to give it to him. And the 18 month old who is well adjusted because I have been here most of his life, and have taught him, through common sense, that no means no, and tantrums don't get him what he wants (except for fits for mommy, which is common for any toddler). Ok enough background on them. I have never in my life, including the 10+ years I was married, been so in love with a woman. So I try to let things fly, and even be supportive of her very flawed (admittedly) style, that is until I am disrespected, and it even has to be greatly so, before I get enough, and have to try to defend myself.
Point in case. Three days ago, the 10 year old became angry and extremely disrespectful, when I wouldn't jump up and let him have control of the television, after the younger two were in bed. After spewing some trash talk, trying to get under my skin, unsuccessfully, he went into the kitchen, for a snack. Right next to the 1&2 year olds bedroom, at 1 or so in the morning. He ran back into the livingroom, in hysterics and screaming like a girl, I jumped up and followed to find a little spider on the floor. I stepped on it and tried to shush him before he woke the little ones, but he was still screaming, and I had to grab him hand over mout to get him out of the kitchen, and quiet enough to try and remind him, as if he didn't know that he was going to wake them up. He flailed and slapped the glasses clean off of my face, and I told him to just go to his room and his mother would be in shortly, as I was two angry to even discus it. She works from home, and was doing so in our room, on the computer. She, of course without anything but firm talking to, tried to correct him, especially the line of hateful, " I can't live with you" crap that he tries to spew at me, he gets as dirty as possible, quite alarmingly so, any time he views himself as being on the defensive. I mean there is no limit to how far he will go. With me or anyone else, including her, and then is the only time, when he goes after her, that she has ever spanked any of them, to my knowledge. Anyway it spilled over into yesterday some, as he was still perturbed, and looking for a fight. I wouldn't jump from my busy task of folding laundry, to do what he wanted, and I just told him I wasn't his maid, and go do it himself, to which he gladly threw out the hateful " I can't live..." stuff again, to which I again sent him to his room, and alerted her. After she corrected his behavior, I again got the usual butt crawling, about why didn't you just do it. Which led to us disagreeing, and that had me down and out, as I shouldnt be expected to try and deflect the rage of a child into flowers, and bunny rabbits. I'm a strait shooter, and don't mince words. Anyway, so it was already compounded, when the 16 year old comes in and asks if I got his thing that was out in the back yard. I said "you mean the makeshift pot pipe that the youngest grabbed off the windowsill this morning, made of aluminum foil, yeah I trashed it". And he asked me why I wasn't watching him, and I got rather irate, about that, because it had no place inside or out, and I don't care if he still had pot crumbs in it, anything in his reach he will go for. Then proceeded to ask me where all the lighters went, and I told him he last time I saw mine (I smoke cigarettes) was the night before when he was outside and it was by my smokes. He is notorious for collecting, and subsequently loosing lighters. And said he could use my zippo, but when he walked back in, it was to come back to my hand, as I've had that for over half his life and it's not going to disappear. To which he spewed some crap, right in front of his mother, and threw my lighter in the floor. Then she proceeded to jump down my throat, because I didn't sweet talk him. How do I get her to see that I have had my limit, that she is going to have to get some control on this stuff. Or have I answered my own question, in the process of asking it. And need to load up and go. We are extremely financially dependent on each other, I am awaiting disability, and help keep the kids at bay so she can work, so doing so would ruin her and her kids financially, and land me living, god knows where as I can't work, and have no income.
A very difficult situation, for all involved, and I ran across this site through google searching and found the "I hate her son and myself for it" post, and found some of the advice to be sound. So tell me folks what can I do.