I don't know what to do...
I have a 13 year old stepdaughter who is an only child between her dad & mom. I have 2 children from a previous relationship. My daughter is 14 and my son is 12. The problem is, my stepdaughter is used to getting things her way, saying whatever she wants to whomever she wants, however she wants. I was not raised that way & I am not raising my children that way. It's very nerve racking the way she disrespects her dad by yelling at him when he is trying to tell her right from wrong. We found out about 2 months ago from her mom that she is smoking now & back in July a condom was found in her purse. Also, she has gotten into the habit of telling my daughter that the room they share is not their room, it's her room. It has become very irritating to me & I am really not sure what to do at this point. My daughter doesn't even want to be at the house when she comes over. Which is every other weekend & one day out of the week. I am at the point that I dread the weekends she is to come over & I know I can't continue feeling this way. I am brand new to being a stepparent so I need advice asap please. Thanks everyone for your time.
She needs a REALITY CHECK !
I feel for you. It sounds like your 13 year old sd needs a reality check. Obviously she is very much accustomed to having and getting her way. This is only your problem if you allow it to be your problem. You need to sit her down and put it in very simple terms. You may be used to having your way and it may continue so in your bio Moms house but not here ! She needs to respect you, her step siblings, her father and herself. The fact that she even back talks her Dad indicates to me she does not respect him, therefore she will not respect you or your household until she respects him. Do youself a favor and check her bad behavior now otherwise it wil only become worse and you will be a step grandma before you know it. In a worse case scenario she wont want to come over. Oh well all the more peace for you and your kids. I can understand your frustration. My situaution was similar but I am slowly making progress. Peace through war. This child is at the age where it is past sweet talk to get cooperation and compliance from her. Be strict, be firm and most important consistent. Once she is knocked down a notch so to speak then maybe you to can start working at a healthy step mom/sd relationship. Your husband needs to back you up 110 percent. If she sees she can manipulate and play him against you she will. My situation is opposite of yours. I am married with kids from former marriage. 2 step kids that live with us and bio child coming in Jan. For a while it was at the point my sons did not want to come over my house because of the behavior of spoiled rotten 10 year old sd. and 8 year old ss. Prior to me coming into the picture my wifes son 8 and daughter 10 ran her and her household, it was pathetic they dictated their own bedtime, fancied themselves little adults and did whatver they wanted. I observed, offered advice and layed down the law that when we married and move in toghetehr this b.s. would stop. I then put it to a schreeching halt or have been trying to lately. I have set up a deadline for Jan. 2008 when our bio child wil be born. I told my wife she needs to get them under control by them because once our baby is here I am not going to have the time, patience or energy to deal with skids 2 year old behavior. Some days are tough, others better but I am making progress but only because I refuse to back down 1 inch the few time I have skids started regressing backwards with their behavior. Just remember YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES. Good luck and God bless.
I feel awful for you and the
I feel awful for you and the family. This leads me to a question or three-1-What did your DH do about her yelling at him? I know we all have our days and my SD is 14, has normally been an awesome child but there are crabby days and if /when we call it to her attention she will stop it herself. 2- Smoking, how is she able to get the supplies? I would not allow her out of the house without me if it were me, what does BM say to all of this since she obviously has a lot more time to deal with it than you do?
There is no reason where logic does not exist
I need steps to take...
Thanks for your responses JF70 and luvdagirl...A reality check is definitely what my SD needs. I have tried really hard to be understanding. Truthfully at this point, I am sick and tired of the way our household is when she is over. To answer your questions luvdagirl...1- My DH yells back when she yells at him. I have to be the mediator between the two. I have talked to my SD in front of my DH and let her know that I don't tolerate a child being disrespectful to an adult. My DH seemed to back me at the time. I have let her know that when her dad is talking to her she needs to be quiet and listen to what he has to say. That didn't go over well because the yelling is still going on...2-My SD gets the cigs from her BMs mother. Here is the situation, she doesn't reside with BM, she resides with BMs mother. Messed up situation right? I have talked to my DH about us trying to get custody but he hasn't put forth any effort. Possibly she is acting out because she feels BM doesn't want her residing with her and her hubby, now her BD has two stepchildren living with him and she is nowhere in the picture. We have talked to her about the smoking, grounded her also. It hasn't done any good. She told us she has been smoking since May of this year, not every day but about every two days. I really need advice on this because as we all know, smoking is really bad for you and I don't want her to get lung cancer or start having possible respiratory problems...It's very frustrating for me right now. My DH and her BM are not on the same page. He sees how I am teaching my children and how I don't allow certain things and now he is trying to do the same thing with her. However, her BM allows her to do whatever, talk to her however and she is disrespectful to her as well. Her BM will reward her for bad behavior just so she doesn't have to deal with her....Should I just focus on my own children and let my DH focus on my SD? Is that being less of a wife if I do that? Help me please!!!!!