Other Kids
My SS is the oldest in both households, he has a 1/2 brother in our home and BM has other kids. DH and I have custody of SS and BM has SS EOW. Now everytime SS comes back from a visit it is like training a puppy all over again, about mannners and respect and responsibility, it gets very tiring.
When SS talks about his visits over at BM's he says he always gets treated like a 2nd class citizen, that the other kids get to run around and do whatever they want. His room holds all the other kids toys and he doesn't even have a bed, he has to sleep on a mattress on the floor, BM sold all his furniture at a garage sale, and when BM drops SS off at school he is always the last one to get dropped off therefore making him late for school, SS says that the other kids are very spoiled and slow in the learning process, these kids are in elementary school, but they can not brush their hair, tie their shoes, speak properly (baby talk still) and they still wet the bed. SS also says they are very spoiled and get to have whatever they want, and they always get to eat junk food.
My concern is how this effects my child. Everything that SS witnesses and how he is treated, and everything he gets to do over at BM's effects him. I just do not want SS bringing bad habbits around my child, I already told DH to limit the time that SS spends with our child, at least until we see a change in SS's behavior.
Before it was not such a big concern but lately it is going down hill. I use to be more involved with SS but I have backed off (due to the fact I am sick of dealing with it all), SS has been having issues with behavior.
how do any of you deal with this?
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Poor buddy....
It sounds like if he's having behavioral issues, it's for attention -especially at BM's house. SS needs to have his own space at his mom's house and not be sleeping on th floor. Poor thing. It's so hard when you're being alienated from the step parent situation - either by choice or by force.
When ANY of my kids have bad habits at my house that they have picked up at their other parent's house and they say "well dad/mom lets me!!!" I explain different house, different rules. I also tell my SDs to check their little bad attitudes at the door and can pick them back up once they go back to mom's house. Especially the little one because her mom babies her so much and she tries to pull that same whiny crap at my house where it is not tolerated.
Maybe explain to SS that he needs to set a good example for his little brother at your house. Kids pick up on bad habits and can either adapt them or learn from them. You can learn from a bad example as much as you can learn from a good one. He probably doesn't want to be like his other misbehaved siblings as much as you don't want him to.
Good luck!!!
Hey there...
I'm going to comment on this one because we do live a pretty similar life. The "coming back from a weekend with mommy" should get better, it's up to your husband to have a stern talk with him and maybe enforce stricter rules in your home. My situation is similar in that my oldest SD10 is in 5th grade (as I think your SS is the same age??) and youngest SD is 6. I've seen it all from them coming home and saying hateful things to me, ignoring me, and then out of nowhere they come home and jump in my lap and hug me saying "they missed me so much!"
How are the pickups? Does your DH go get them in a neutral spot? That's what we do and I don't go...ever. Works better that way. The BM is calmer when I'm not around and my DH has the drive home to decompress the girls and this has worked really well. He's also had SEVERAL talks with them about respect and how just because their mother says something mean about stepmom, him, etc..doesn't mean it's true. Also that just because they can do something at BMs doesn't mean they can do it at our house. They need to mind her on her weekends and have fun with her. But know that from the moment they get in the car, it's our rules. Since they live with us, they pretty much learned to comply. After one really bad episode DH stripped their rooms of all toys, tv etc... and said "grounded until further notice..you can study or read." That has worked well with SD10 as she is becomming a bit testy.
Now for your child...unfortunately some things will be seen but you both have to protect your son together. He is young and impressionable. That is where the house rules come in. Also I'd ALWAYS keep your son away from situations involving the BM. I have a BD14 who was exposed to my DH's ex early in our relationship and before I new it BM was screaming the "F" word and hitting my DH in front of my BD, SD's, BM's parents, and several other children. Even her parents didn't stop her which was when I realized the family unit was "off." I promised myself that day that my BD would never be around her again. DH understands this and if we have a child together (we are going to try) then that child will also not be exposed to SD's BM. I would just enforce strict rules in the house...that is a really hard age (10/11) and keep your eye out. As long as DH understands that you both are doing everyting you can for SS but part of his life is somewhat dysfunctional and you don't want your son exposed to the same. It's hard to understand but I think that's the best angle. Let him get to know SS but any "bad" behaviors need to have serious consequences in your home since you also have your baby to think of!!
Hope this helps
Take care,
Stepmom_C
Big Concern
It depends. In our situation, the two households were vastly different. The bm lived in a dump and raised her son around her welfare and no good family. When the child was 8 we saw where it was going and couldn't allow our two children or home, to be subjected to the bad influences. I still say the bm has the most influence on a child, and when children are raised in bad environments with little parenting it rarely changes. The child will be a product of their environment period.
From day one we were never close to bm's child, so it was not difficult to let that child go, plus in all truth no one wanted those visits. Whatever your situation, you have to put your household and children first.
Have you ever thought
The child is smart and is playing all of you?!!! It happens like it or not! My own biological children do it, unfortunately for that, their stepmom and i are very good friends!!! The manipulation doesn't last long! We have had a much healthier household since we all put our differences aside and stopped being so selfish and put our kids first!!! This is me with my ex's. My younger children have a different dad, and i couldn't stand him or his wife, but you know after I let go of my anger and jealousy, I speak to him & her and we raise our children and they are happier kids for it. Are they going to try to get away with some stuff? Sure...Its just what you alow them to do. My pastor just said to me today teach by example. Hate breeds hate! This doesn't mean my life is peachy , but take one step to the right and look at it again...