My mother's relationship with my Ex.....
I got married on Saturday and my parents kept my children while we were away for the wedding night. Apparently, my mother spoke to my XH on the phone for a significant amount of time (she said 2 hours but I doubt that it was really that long). She told me that she told him that his time was over, he had his chance to make things right with me, etc, etc. Well, XH called me this morning regarding something kid related and he happened to mention that he had a great talk with my mom and that she said some nice things to him. So, now I have to decide:
1. Is mother lying about the context of their conversation?
2. Is XH just so narcissistic that he can't see the conversation as it really was?
I suspect it is a bit of both.
Anyway, I went home for lunch and told my mother what XH said about their conversation and told her not to speak to him anymore. I told her that having a conversation with him AT ALL only makes him feel like he's still part of the family and like he has this secret connection with her. She told me that she refused to be mean to anyone and asked me what she was supposed to do when the kids handed her the phone. I told her that she could tell him that she had nothing to say about the past. Get this: She told me that she is afraid that he will kill me because she watches the ID channel and sees too many XHs kill their wives years after the divorce. She claims she is only trying to protect me and the kids.
In the end, we ended up screaming and crying at each other because she claims that I chewed her out when in reality I was only trying to make a strong point that I DID NOT want her to speak to him anymore.
How are X relationships handled in other families? Am I wrong or do I have the right to limit that contact?
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i would go crazy on my mom if
i would go crazy on my mom if she did that......
but, my mil & sil do that. dh has asked them, begged them, told them to quit carrying on a relationship with bm because he hates bm, it's inappropriate, sends a fucked up message to the skids and like you said makes the ex still feel like part of the family. we didn't even ask them to be nasty or mean to bm, to just disengage in little chitty chat phone calls, lunches, birthdays, holiday crap..
didn't help in our situation, i wish you better luck with your mom.
I could see where this might
I could see where this might apply in many situations, but not this one. I think she could have ended the call in 10 minutes instead of two hours if she just wanted to be civil.
When I got divorced my
When I got divorced my parents told me that divorcing my ex was my choice....they did not choose to divorce him...and once a family member always a family member. They would have him over for dinner and even went as far as when he got remarried and had children with his new wife to have there entire family over for dinner and even babysit there kids. It was very hard for me to stomach. I was greatful that I lived 500 miles away. ExH lived in the same small town as my parents. ExH also worked with my dad.
Over time EXH moved on with his new family and got to busy to deal with his ex's family. Now they dont see each other or speak and just do a casual hello if they run into each other downtown or something.
My ex AND his wife go and
My ex AND his wife go and visit my folks when they've been in the hospital. I appreciate that. My folks got along well with my ex.
My in-laws still spoke to my husband's ex when they were alive. They didn't think much of her, but they were the grandparents of her kids and didn't want problems. Fortunately, my mother in law could talk with the ex....then 15 minutes later, completely forget the whole conversation as if it'd never happened. That was always kinda funny.
It's difficult to expect friends and family to take a side when divorcing. Everyone has their opinion of each other. I'm on good terms with both my brother's exes. Much life much easier.
But...no one is cozy cozy with the ex's....just cordially friendly.
I appreciate everyone's post.
I appreciate everyone's post. It seems that, as usual, the opinions are divided. For those that posted that it's ok to maintain a relationship with the XH, I feel like I should clarify a few things. My mother NEVER liked my XH. She tolerated him through our 12 married years and for the 6 years that we dated. She bad mouths him every chance she gets. Additionally, the conversations that they have are not simple conversations. It's not them catching up on each other's lives. It all revolves around me and what he did wrong in the marriage and if there is a chance for him to get me back, etc. I would really have no problem if their relationship stood on it's own...without me. But, it doesn't. It's ALL about me. I still talk to his mother on occasion but we talk about her health and she asks me about my life as it is today. We don't talk about the past or how the marriage failed, etc. I'm not trying to fit in to their family by having this special relationship with his mother.
I dont think you have a right
I dont think you have a right to limit their contact.
I do think it is ok to tell her how you feel about the situation. it is making you uncomfortable and she should know that.
Let her know that anything that is happening now, in your life you dont want him to know it isnt any of his biz.
If she is worried about him doing something drastic she shouldnt include him in family biz. It will make him feel like you are still his---and being with another man.
Respectfully, I disagree. I
Respectfully, I disagree. I understand that she's a person and he's a person and they make their own choices about who they want to have a relationship with but I also have a choice on keeping my mother involved in my life or disengaging fully from her. In my past attempts at disengagement from her, she has made it very clear that she wants to be part of my life. If she truly wants that relationship WITH ME, she will have to meet my conditions and that includes no contact with XH. When I say "no contact", I mean no long phone conversations about our failed marriage, etc. I don't expect her to be mean or hateful to him but I do expect her to be loyal to me.
My mom is friendly with my
My mom is friendly with my ex. He is the father of her grandchildren. And they got along when we were married. My ex didn't do anything to my family. What he did was done to me, and I dealt with it by divorcing him. They had no respect for him trying to reconcile with me after that, they knew I made the right choice... but he is a good dad, and they appreciate that. They don't sit and chat on the phone, but my ex does still have a relationship with my nieces and nephews that are now teenagers. (17 and 18) because he was their uncle for the first 10 years of their lives. I think it all depends on the dynamic of the situation. I don't really care if my family talks to my ex. They all got along before, and I don't expect them to hate him because our marriage didn't work out. BUT, when MIL started befriending BM, I was IRATE. Because her intentions were bad. They hated each other when DH and BM were married, and only had one thing in common, they were both mad at me. DH put a stop to that real quick.