Tell him he should choose his wife, or it will just be him and his daughter. You are the parents, you should decide things TOGETHER!!! if he can't get that, then i guess he can do everything alone.

I think that, by choosing you, he's also choosing her. I think that's the case with any Dad, SKid and SM, regardless of how old the stepkid is, and I'll tell you why: if he chooses you, he's also showing that he loves his daughter. Sometimes we have to give those we love the most tough love and not coddle them. His showing her tough love by making her do something she doesn't like (being civil to you) will help her in the long run because she'll have to deal with tons of people she won't like in life. Her learning this will help her become a better person. Maybe that's how you could present it to DH. Maybe you could say, "I'm not asking you to cut her out of your life. I'd never ask you to do that. What I'm asking is that you have her treat me with civility as your spouse. I know that this has got to be a difficult situation for her, but none of us are moving forward with the way things are right now. This will help her come to accept the situation and make peace with it. Going on with the way things are right now is only feeding into her anger and making her angrier. I agree that she needs help. On top of enforcing some basic rules, why don't you get her counseling?"

Also, does he spend any quality time with her, asking how she's doing in school and in life? Do they have any common interests? Maybe a few times a month, he could take her out for ice cream and talk with her. He needs to show her that he has more than enough love for all of you.

Why in the world would you let your own husband disrespect you this way? If he is going to choose SD over you, let him. Honey, there are way better men out there who may actually care if your upset and disrespected.