The "break" with SD6 is almost upon us...
Long story short, FDH has raised SD6 since she was a baby. Her biodad saw her one weekend a month, but this past year he's turned over a new leaf and really wants to be more involved. He now takes her every other weekend. We still have her during the weekdays that we have her brother (my SS3). Biodad has asserted that he WANTS to have SD on the days of the week we have her (he pays BM child support yet she has us taking his kid 2 days week...). We love SD6 but recently we've been finding ourselves in predicaments with her that just seem to make more sense to allow her biodad to take her, and she can still come to our house on occassion, we just feel she shouldn't be obligated to.
FDH is starting a new job in a few weeks and we're going to be changing up the schedule with SS3 to a 5-day chunk every other week rather than the randomness that it is right now. BM is on-board with THAT change...however we're thinking this is the time to make the change with SD6 coming to our house.
We're going to have a "talk" with SD6 next week. First I'd like to say that SD6 is very mature for her age...she's always seemed much older than she is. She is intuitive and observant and logical. She seems to "get" things when you explain them to her. Of course, her biodad has told her in the past that FDH is not her "real" daddy...but she doesn't quite understand what "real" means. When I got pregnant I explained to her that her mommy and her biodad made her, her mommy and FDH made SS, and me and FDH made our baby. We explained that FDH is "like" a daddy to her, but he's not the one who "helped to make" her. I know it's deep stuff for a 6 y-o but she seems to "get" that.
So here's what we're thinking of telling SD6:
We love you very much, you know that right? We want you to be able to come to our house and have fun and be with your brother SS and baby when you can. Daddy FDH is going to have a new schedule at work and SS will be coming here on different days than he used to. We were thinking maybe you should spend some more time with your Daddy BioDad becuase he wants to see you more during the week. So what will happen is that you won't be coming to our house after school/daycare anymore when your brother comes here. But we want you to know that you are welcome to come if you just call us and ask us to come over for an afternoon or whatever and then we'd love to have you. Remember how we talked about how your mommy and daddy Biodad are the ones who "made" you? That's why your biodad wants to see you more. What do you think?
I know this is really hard...and I know some of you will probably say that we are abandoning her and that is not what we want to do or seem like. We just want to put things "right" and let her biodad see her, since he wants to. It's becoming more difficult for us to have her so this seems like the right time since everything else is changing.
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I think that sounds
I think that sounds good..poor girl. But I really think if the biodad is stepping up and wanting to be the main role then you and DH are doing the right thing by stepping back. Easier to do now at 6-even though it's hard then keep stretching it out. Eventually I think the visits will come to very little and just having a close relationship when you do see eachother.
As tough as it might be for her now I really think it's the right time to step out entirely (in a weaning way which you guys are doing) and let her dad take over that role to avoid further confusion.
I don't think you're
I don't think you're abandoning her. AS to what you're planning on telling her, I don't think you should tell her that she can come over whenever she wants, she just has to call. That's probably not going to be true. It's up to her bio dad and bio mom whether or not she can go to your house, and she may call and want to go on a day that is inconvenient or impossible for you, and you will have to say no, thereby breaking a "promise" I would say that she will still be able to come "sometimes, when its ok with her biodad and biomom. I wouldn't word it like it's her choice; after all she's a child, and can't make those kinds of decisions for the adults in her life.
Yes you make a great point
Yes you make a great point that I didn't think about. Thank you!
In anyone else's situation I
In anyone else's situation I would htink that having the BM and/or BD talk to her FIRST...but in ours we would be risking SD6 thinking badly of us. We can't trust either of them to give it to her straight. For example, BD would just say, "FDH is NOT your REAL dad so you're not going to his house anymore." that would be confusing for a kid. And then BM would probably say, "FDH and SteppingUp don't want to take you anymore so you're going to your Daddy Biodad's from now on."
It's better for SD if she hears it from us.
Thanks for sharing your DH's situation. That helps to know that he feels okay about everything now because it does hurt FDH. He feels like he put in all this time and effort...while biodad went out and did his thing without a care for SD then suddenly wants to play daddy....but basically we've been walked on the past 2 years and it's wearing on us. He feels like a babysitter, like he's just doing BM a favor more than anything by taking both her kids for her. We don't get any support, we buy SD6 clothes to wear at our house and toys, etc. And we get NO respect for anything that we do with her...instead, we don't get invited to her kindergarten graduation and other school events because we're "NOT HER PARENTS". It's hard to be held responsible for a kid half the week but reap absolutely no benefits. And she idolizes her mother so I'm sure behaviorally it's just going to get harder and harder to try to be the people who steer her in the other direction. This will provide her with more stability, which I think she's really gonna need in the next few years.