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New visitation for pseudo-SD5 -- the truth will most likely be revealed.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Tue, 09/14/2010 - 3:15pm

BM called us yesterday to explain the new visitation schedule with SD5. We have no control over it, because she is not my fiance's daughter. I believe this will lead to the unraveling of the truth behind who SD's "real" daddy is.

A quick fill-in for those who don't know the situation, my fiance and I raise his son and his son's older sister, SD5, half the time. SD5 has a biological father that she sees one Saturday a month, and I guess recently it has changed to two Saturdays a month and SD has been spending hte night (we didn't know this). For the past 2 1/2 years since DF and BM broke up, DF has had equal share of both SS and SD so they wouldn't split the siblings, and has them a few days during the week and every other weekend. SD goes to her biological father's on the opposite Saturdays....which means that BM sees her own daughter less than we do. There is no stipulation or CS order regarding SD at all.

The new visitation is changing due to bio-dad's new job. His weekends are now opposite, which means SD5 will no longer come to our house on the weekends we have SS3.

GrandmaBF (SD's biological father's mother) has tried to tell SD5 the truth before -- that my fiance is not her "real" daddy. This ended up coming across as "Grandma says you aren't my daddy so I don't have to listen to you!" SD5 had just turned 4 at that time, and didn't understand what it meant to be a "real" daddy or not, and BM ended up telling GrandmaBF that she has no right to tell those things to her without first discussing it with her, etc. Next time at our house, SD said to my fiance, "Mommy says you ARE my real daddy so I DO have to listen to you." Prime example that she doesn't understand. Also, BM didn't take any initiative to explain the situation in the right manner, instead covering it up by telling SD that my fiance IS her dad. (Yes, in all senses of the word he is, except for blood and custody and CS).

Now SD will only come to our house on Monday nights or else Wednesday and Thursday nights (alternating weeks). I'm sure this will lead to a lot of questions about why she isn't spending as much time with us as her little brother is (DF's biological son) and why she can't come over.

How are we going to explain this to her? Fiance thinks that he and BM should sit down with SD but how do you explain who a "real" daddy is and what is DF then to her? What is the most delicate way to explain this whole situation to a 5 year old, without it sounding like some 'parent' doesn't WANT to have her?

Comments

iwishyouwould's picture

Submitted by iwishyouwould on Tue, 09/14/2010 - 3:43pm

I have had the same trouble with kiddo (ss5) but it was about his bm. Kiddo sees no difference between me "iwishyouwould", DH's great aunt "Mommy X", DH's sister "Mommy Y", and his bm "Mommy Z". All three of us, the two aunts and I, have raised kiddo at some point. His bm has not, but he has been told that bm is his "mom". so what do you tell a five year old, who has 4 "moms", when he comes back from a rare, brief visit with bm and asks you why bm is his "real mommy" and not you or the two other wonderful women in his life? I told him that he was in "Mommy Z" ' s tummy and that is the difference. I told him that some mommies are your mommy because they love you and take care of you, and some mommies are your mommy because you were in their tummy; that it doesnt matter why or how someone is your mommy, it only matters that they love you. That seemed to go over pretty well. Maybe you could try the male version. I dont know how straightforward yall are with your kiddo about body parts, functions, where babies come from, etc. But when kiddo asked me, I told him that daddies put the babies in the mommies tummies ... maybe you could tell kiddo that "real" daddy is the kind of daddy who put her in bm's tummy, and "not real" daddy is the kind of daddy who is her daddy just because he loves her, and that both "daddies" love her very much and she doesnt have to love one more than the other, ever. dunno. Kids that age are really concrete and dont think in the abstract at all. I would try to not use "real" dad - that is probably confusing. To a five year old learning all about imaginative play, that means that since he is not her real dad, he is her fake dad, he is pretending, making believe to be her dad. confusing.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Wed, 09/15/2010 - 10:38am

I really appreciate your idea. I was thinking while reading it that how do we explain that bio father plants a sperm in mommy to put the baby in her belly?? haha! But I like how you put it and if it comes up I'm sure she'll have lots of questions. I want us to be able to give her an answer that she can grasp, not an abstract idea about being blood related or not. I also agree with you that the "real" dad leads to "fake" dad, which is also what I've wanted to avoid. I think DF and I will discuss a way we'll explain it so that we're both prepared, and hopefully can discuss it with BM in a decent way, too.

But this is going to get really complicated when SD has her bio-father's mother putting in her two cents and BM putting in her reasoning and then my fiance doing his....eek.

iwishyouwould's picture

Submitted by iwishyouwould on Wed, 09/15/2010 - 2:38pm

We just had another Q&A with kiddo about this - I dont know if it is his own natural curiousity or if the bm is saying things to him, Im thinking a little of both. The problem that we have come up against is that he is old enough to ask the questions, but not old enough to hear the answers; the answers are not appropriate and what little we have tried to put into age appropriate boundaries, he didnt grasp and it still went over his head. He wanted to know why he lived with bm before and why he couldnt see us while he was with her, why he was in her tummy, why was he not in my tummy, why bm is not around... we tried and i think failed on most of it. We want to be honest and we dont want to paint bm in a negative light. I dont think he even remembers most of what he is asking about - i think bm is talking to him about it..why, i have no idea. And when the question is why did he live with bm and couldnt see us and the answer is she abducted you and we had to fight a long legal battle to get you back and then she abandoned you before we were done... i dont know what to say. We told him that bm took him without asking and we missed him, to which he asked if bm stole him... we kind of redirected the conversation at that point. Then he wanted to know why he was in bms tummy and not mine... Dh told him that he put him in her tummy, that he and bm made him, to which kiddo said "why couldnt you just put me in iwishyouwoulds tummy instead?". awful. totally out of the blue. completely over his head. but... ya, its tough we had both hoped he wouldnt ask us these things until he was old enough to comprehend that just because people do a bad thing, it doesnt make them a bad person, among other things but thats life i guess.