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  • To all the SM's out there who feel their husband is inappropriately affectionate with his daughters!!!!!!!

To all the SM's out there who feel their husband is inappropriately affectionate with his daughters!!!!!!!

cain8cody12's picture

Submitted by cain8cody12 on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 10:40am

I started counselling with my husband over this issue and a few others. The way I approached it with him was this "Would you feel uncomfortable with your 16 or 13 year old daughter laying on top of you with your parents in the room?" "Would you look at a man as a pervert if he looked over 40 and was holding hands with a teenage girl in public?" If you answered yes to either of these questions, how to you expect me to react when it happens in front of me all the time. I will no longer tolerate being made to feel uncomfortable in my own home by inappropriate acts of affection between yourself and two almost grown daughters. If this does not change I am GONE!!!! I am your wife and will be treated with the same respect you afford to your parents or a stranger by NOT subjecting me to this behavior. It is TOTALLY inappropriate and you will NEVER touch your teenage daughters the same way you touch me EVER AGAIN or I am GONE!!!! Believe me, once I brought it to the forefront, it has not happened again and this was 6 months ago. He now shows me that type of affection in front of his girls to make them understand that this is the way a married or committed couple shows affection to each other, not a dad to his daughters. Yes, he is still affectionate with them as far as hugs and kisses but no more cuddling and laying all over each other.

Before anyone wants to jump on me and say this is just how daughters are let me make it clear. I am VERY close with my father. We were affectionate towards each other when I was young up until I got my first training bra. At that point, it seemed weird and just not right to allow myself or my dad to be so touchy feely with each other. This went as far as me not allowing him to tickle me anymore. There comes a point in a young girls life that she SHOULD feel that it is weird to be as affectionate with her father. The fact that some of these girls don't is due to a lack of parenting and boundaries from their dads. I have two sons, one is 19, the other is 15 and there is no way in HELL I would allow them to be that affectionate with me. They are grown and almost grown and I want them to know that those affections should be given to a spouse, girlfriend, or partner, NOT to their mom. They both have very healthy outlooks on what is appropriate and inappropriate between a parent and a child.

Comments

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 10:54am

Bravo!! Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have this same situation and when I asked FDH how he would feel if my 14 year old son were to lay all over me....or if I held hands with my son rather than my husband when we went out somewhere, it actually seemed like it sank in a little. He has stopped the laying all over each other so it is a start....

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 11:00am

Glad you stood up for yourself! Somehow this seems to be a big problem with men/daughters. I have to wonder why.

It's gross and unreal these guys like this no boundary stuff.
I've made it very clear to my bf my feelings on this just in talking general matters. Luckily he agrees and has not shown these kind of actions. And if she had adult status before (barely) it was changed very quickly when i came in the picture.

In thinking back-I dated one guy seriously before my bf back in 2006-it lasted less then a year. In remembering he did have some boundary issues w/his daughters that were borderline creepy. He had NO life outside his girls. I remember getting on his case that on wknds he never did anything with friends, only his D's. Unhealthy attachment. He lived in another state (NC),it was a long distance relationship- his girls were 11 and 8 back then I think. I wonder sometimes if his wife is on this board lol. I'm assuming he married, he was desperately looking for a wife-mommy to his girls, no matter who it was (even though his ex-wife and him shared custody)-I'm pretty sure he's had to remarry by now.

That would make them 14 and 17 now-they seemed like good girls and he seemed to raise them w/a high moral compass for sure-but definately lacked some boundaries w/daddy daughter.

on the fence's picture

Submitted by on the fence on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 11:17am

Amen, sista! I did make that ultimatum to XBF. The daughter in question was 17 at the time. It was DISGUSTING!!!!! She was his wife in EVERY way but the bedroom and the line was pretty damn thin even there, given that she was allowed to walk in any time without knocking!

I left.

Now I have a delightful SD and an SO who gets it when I tell him it's time for certain things to stop/change as she gets older. Even SD agrees and does not resent this. She is ready to grow up a bit (she's 10). She holds one of dad's hands when we walk still, and I hold the other. She is just as affectionate with me as she is with him and there's noithing creepy about their relationship.

I thought it was maybe just my interpretation in the XBF case. Partly why I found this site.

Do not doubt yourself, that's gross. It doesn't have to be like that.

Freedom2005's picture

Submitted by Freedom2005 on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 11:56am

Well anyone that has read my blog knows this is one of my pet peeves about my SO. I finally got him to make her stop the "I love you Daddy"s all the time. It has really helped. Of course now she can text it to him when ever she wants.

I agree that you should not ignore this. It is inappropriate at her age. I have seen a 30ish woman do this with her father and I was about to barf :sick: this 30ish woman is SO's sister.

Just last night SD12 was laying on SO on the couch watching TV. He asked me if I wanted to sit down. He asked her to move over and the look on her face was priceless... I smirked at her in my mind. Then he sat between us and put arms around both of us.... Puhlease.... equal??? OMG.

I have told the counselor that I am afraid he will start sleeping with her in his bed if I left him. She said, "if you hear of this happening, let me know and I will call CPS"

Shannon61's picture

Submitted by Shannon61 on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 12:14pm

You definitely have my vote. I don't know why the otherwise reasonably intelligent men can't see the boundaries of appropriateness. This type of behavior has to be called out and eliminated.

My SD (27) had a bad habit of taking showers and walking around the house with nothing but a towel wrapped around her. On another occasion DH and I were in the bedroom w/the door closed and SD was cooking. She knocked on the door, feed DH a sample from a fork, and walked away. I kicked him out of the bedroom. I lambasted him on appropriate behavior and he's been on the straight and narrow every since. You have to put your foot down on this type of behavior or it will only get worse.

CowGirl's picture

Submitted by CowGirl on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 12:56pm

Holy Geeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!! I think i just threw up in my mouth a little from reading that article!

on the fence's picture

Submitted by on the fence on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 2:40pm

WTF??????????? OMG!!!!!!!!!! :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

Who is this quack? IS she serious that this is a HEALTY father-daughter realtionship?

Shouldn't she be in therapy herself? HOW DARE she give that poor man and his wive that kind of drivel for advice? Wake up Pollyanna, this chick is SICK!

:sick:

CowGirl's picture

Submitted by CowGirl on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 1:06pm

I am glad that your DH caught on & listened to your input. But what if they still don't get it?? I have been super nice at approaching all angles. After 3 years together ... it's still the same. Now BF used to spoon, hold hands (interlocked) and kiss on the lips, etc with SS15 up until he was 13 yrs old until BF made fun of 2 gay men holding hands walking down the street ... i said "so - it looks just like you & SS".

BF says - it's nice to show the kids what a healthy relationship we have. I say - what are you talking about? When we are all together - we don't hold hands, sit together ANYWHERE, etc ... how is that healthy? I get the "I never get to see them" card. I can however sit with him during a movie or something on the couch if SD12 is already cuddled up and laying on him and he invites me cuz he does have 2 arms ya know? BF has skids EOW, and see's them anywhere from at least 2-4 nights a week .... BF also says he wants to still be sensitive to the affects of the divorce (over 6 yrs ago) on the skids.

Any advice?