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Recipes for Disasters in dealing with SD

underduress's picture

Submitted by underduress on Mon, 09/24/2007 - 8:39pm

I am new to this and I have been reading a lot of these posts. It seems to me that the all recipes are quite similar:

Typical SD Recipe:
1. SD are very insecure, master manipulators, disruptive, perfect actresses, self-centered.
2. Fueled by jealousy and insecurity, they often use “guilt” tactics as manipulation tools to control a situation.
3. Never held accountable by BM or BD for their actions
4. Always “not –my-fault” attitude along with “feel sorry for me”
5. Skilled in creating discord among the families thru lies and false accusations
6. No matter what the age it seems like they are constantly vying for the BM or BD attention.
7.Seems to enjoy exploiting the competition between BM and BD

Typical BM Recipe:
1. Insecure and threaten by anyone who desires a relationship with her child(ren)
2. Constant feeling of being attack or victimized by ex and his new wife
3. Fear of not being in control of her child’s life to the point that she must do everything to control.
4. Must be the center of her children’s lives to the point that it jeopardizes any future relationships those children may have because they are so dependent on the mother.
5. Due to the “need” to be in control and her personal insecurities, she is constantly undermining the BD and his wife. Therefore creating discord and confusion in the children.

Typical BD Recipe:
1. Plagued with frustration, guilt, and the fear of loosing time with his children, makes the BD the primary target for manipulation from BM and BC.
2. Tired of talking about the kids with SM, because it has become a daily fight or topic of discussion.
3. Feels like he is in constant competition for the children’s love, therefore both the BM and BD are always resorting to material prizes to undermine one another.

Typical SM Recipe:
1. Plagued by internal resentment to BM and BD for producing such self-centered, spoiled, and manipulated Skids
2. In spite of internal resentment, still believes in the hope for a better relationship with the Skids
3. Consistently attempts to compensate for the BM and/or BD absences or shortcomings
4. Usually the one who attempts to promote open lines of communication between SD, BM, and BD.
5. Typically must overcome feelings of anger, resentment, exasperation, and, hopelessness.

So how do we combine all these recipes so that everyone maintains their sanity and the SDs grow up to be productive members of society?

Comments

fizzyfuzzy's picture

Submitted by fizzyfuzzy on Mon, 09/24/2007 - 10:58pm

a genius. Or at least close to one.
You're question at the end has my mind in a complete web of confusion. As far as I'm concerned, having two SK's who are now teenagers, I'm pretty sure there's no hope..lol. And as long as my in-laws feed right into the behavior I'm pretty sure there will never be any hope for any three of my step kids!! If you do come up with the answer, you should write a book, have a talk show and make millions of dollars, and I'll come on your show and cry and you can fix me Smile
Dawn

Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Tue, 09/25/2007 - 5:51am

The SD recipe is totally not what makes up my step-daughters. They are really good skids, all three of them... SD16, SD14 and SS12. They don't lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, monopolize anyone's attention, treat my kids badly, guilt their dad or treat me with anything but respect. I mean, they aren't angels, but as far as kids go, they are pretty good kids. Their mom hasn't always been the perfect mother, but the kids are good kids and since we don't get them that much, she must be doing something right by them.

The BM recipe is dead on. Our BM was a lot like that in the beginning. Six years later, she has calmed down a lot and realized that I'm not a threat. The BD recipe is kind of like DH. The SM is not me at all, except for #4 and #5.

I think it's probably different for everyone, but the gist of the recipe concept is 100% true... when you have four different, unique perspectives clashing in one family, there's bound to be unrest, discontent, pain, anger, frustration and confusion.

I truly believe that the answer is that for any kind of lasting peace, each person mulst stay in their own role, which is next to impossible...

Skids should recognize that they are the children, not the adults, and no matter which home they are in, they should be respectful of all parents, all rules, all relationships.

BMs should recognize that they are and will always be the BM. When a SM comes along, that doesn't change who the kids' mother is. It's just one more person to love and protect their children and children can never have too much love and protection. BMs should understand that they are the boss in their households, but that BD and SM are the bosses in THEIR household. BMs must recognize that different doesn't equate to bad.

BDs should recognize that no matter who ruled the roost in his previous family arrangement, no matter who wears the pants in his current family arrangement, that HE is the FATHER and as the FATHER, he has certain rights and responsibilities. He needs to recognize that the only way to maintain law and order is to enforce rules and instill discipline. He needs to expect that his children treat their stepmother with the same respect due him as a co-equal in the household. He needs to parent such that his decisions are what is best for the children long-term and not make guilt-induced decisions that only appease them for now. BD needs to accept full responsibility for the children when they are with him. He should be appreciative of his wife's offers of help, but should NEVER expect her, the SM, to assume responsibility for children she did not bring into this world. BDs must recognize that different does not equate to bad.

SMs need to not assume responsibility that isn't theirs to assume, especially if they are going to feel taken for granted when no one acknowledges their contribution. Do it because it feels good to give and because you want to give it, not because you want someone to pat you on the back for being a good SM. Don't feel like you have to do anything that you don't want to do. It's not your job to deal with the BM. It's not your job to make sure the kids are fed, clothed, doing well in school or otherwise taken care of. Ultimately, the raising of these children - whether you have EOW, 50/50 or even full residential placement - is the sole responsibility of the father and mother. It wasn't your sperm, it wasn't your egg... you can love them, give to them, be there for them, help raise them, teach them how to be good people, but ultimately, it's not your responsibility to do ANYTHING. You are there as dad's helpmate, wife, partner and yes, stepmother. But what you give to the children must come willingly from you as an offer of help, not be extorted from you or guilted from you or squeezed from you by biological parents who are too lazy or otherwise unwilling to parent their own child(ren).

Just my two cents...

~ Anne ~

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