Communication & DH Appeasing Everyone Making Me Sad
Help - need advise to handle my current situation. I'm in a long distance relationship with a guy with 2 DD's (3 hours away) that he has custody every weekend. I have two adult children. We use to see each other everyweekend and now every other weekend, or sometimes longer. I recently discovered that he has been arranging our schedule of seeing each other arounds his DD's schedules without communicating with me about that. I'd like to think I would have worked it out with him if he shared that with me. However, now I found out that his DD's were invited to a party the weekend of our 1st Anniversay (dating). He originally said he was planning something special but that fell through - he never explained why, then I had to go away for the following week and in desperation he said "can me and the DD's come for Saturday night"....I said sure but felt sad (and shared with him) that I was disappointed we weren't doing anything for our 1st Anniversary. So, when I asked more questions about when he would arrive he said he'd come after a birthday party. I was surprised as I never heard about this party. I asked when he knew about this and he just wouldn't give me a straight answer. Weird. I'm starting to feel I see things crystal clear. I think he loves me but he is caught trying to appease everyone but doesn't tell me what is going on because he doesn't want to hurt me. He has communication issues in other ways but we are working on that and I think he's really trying. I think he has too many responsibilities - his girls and his life style (he owns a ranch, horses), he only sees his girls on weekends, he lives 3 hours away and he has a active lifestyle (motorcycles, ATV's, etc). I think he adores and loves me but finding it hard to fit me in...I'm feeling it and thinking about walking away, although I love him, but I think this will continue on and on and he won't commit to making living arrangement changes either. I've also the type that involves myself in his hobbies, lifestyle and girls activities even if that means we don't get alone time or actual dates. I like being with him but this discovery makes me feel like this is a dead end relationship. Any input? Thanks
I'm afraid another chat will
I'm afraid another chat will have the same results - he'll tell me he is "trying", he is getting "better" in communicating and asks me to be patient while he deals with his situation with his DD's schedules, his job, his this and his that. I think I'm just "getting it" and agree I may just be another thing he enjoys. Thanks for your response...
Ok, good point - what does he
Ok, good point - what does he want...I did ask that a a month ago and he said "I love you and want to live with you"....I asked "when?" and he said he wasn't sure and to be patient.....
I'll ask again but I'll tell him what I want to and see what happens....thanks. Sounds sound simple but its not....
In the meantime, I told him that I didn't think Saturday was a good idea after all since I was going on my trip (I've never canceled seeing him when we've made plans. Reason I did cancel is I didn't trust myself not to get in an arguement with him and blow handling this situation properly...thought better to avoid than deal with it inproperly..go on my trip next week, come back and be level minded about it). Funny thing...he said "OK" and didn't put up a fight...not good.
You get it....everything you
You get it....everything you said I've said or questioned to myself. I like what you wrote - knowing he'll be thinking about it too. I think he knows he is on shaky grounds with me and he is just letting me make the calls...for now. There are also communication issues about his relationship with XW but I won't complicated that with this issue...but similar as you have shared.
The listening to my gut is what is guiding me right now....It makes me sad to consider that although he loves me as I do him, he is ok with status quo as jlmx2 mentioned. I see this too....I have to have that talk one more time (benifit of doubt) what he wants from our relationship but I think the bottem line is that he wants someone in his life but I'm more work and more time than what I think he thought he was getting into. I think he wanted his life to remain the same, bring someone into his home, his life/lifesytle and direct the future relationship progression...our distance, my life (I have a home, rewarding career, financially secure) he wasn't probably expecting for things to change for him and now he might have second thoughts about if he moves forward how things will dramatically change for him...I've asked him if that was the case and he said basically no...but I'm not sure based on his lack of actions and not communicating DD's activities/schedules. I think there are more things he doesn't communicate (gut speaking here) but no proof. I hate these thoughts and feelings so I'm here to share - and to get great feedback. Thanks again for reading and responding...so needed.