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slightly o/t - How would you as a BM feel if you only got to see your child EOWE?

happymostly's picture

Submitted by happymostly on Tue, 03/01/2011 - 10:58pm

This is if you already have your child (whether it be with your DH/SO) fulltime/ or 50/50.
I know they say men and women feel differently about children anyway, but me and H talked somewhat about what would happen if we had kids and we split up. He jumped right in and said they would be living with him (and he even said that when we had a pregnancy scare while we were long distance; he said the baby would live with him while I finished school here, I was like HELL NO. one of us would have to change our plans, I would not be away from our baby) . I was kind of mad after that, I was thinking 50/50 custody. Hes a good father, I wouldnt want him to have less time with his child, and I thought he thought the same about me (even though he doesnt know how I am as a mother, but he has said that I am a good smom to sd and that I would make a good mom someday)
I dont think I could handle only seeing my child for 4 days a month. But of course I know things happen and plans have to change sometimes, but my plans would involve my children as much as possible. Thats how much dh sees sd (EOWE), and he was in her daily life until she was almost 5 (when bm and he split up). I know he wants more time with her and wants full custody, but we live a little too far to see her more often and kinda have to wait for bm to screw up before he chances going for full custody.

I dont know though because I dont have any kids of my own yet. How would you guys feel?

Comments

Halgsmom's picture

Submitted by Halgsmom on Tue, 03/01/2011 - 11:22pm

No freaking way I would only want to see them EOWE but 50/50 would be ok. The way I see it, I didn't make these kids alone.... you can bet your arse I am NOT raising them alone. I have SOLE custody of my oldest son and I HATE when he goes anywhere for long with his Dad. Nothing personal against his Dad (although these IS history) I just am not used to it since I have had him alone for almost his whole life until recently (DS is 12) but with my other kids, NO WAY. DH and I already agreed that we wouldn't do that to each other OR the kids. They have a right to be with BOTH of us as much as possible. (I think this is how it should be unless there is abuse/drugs/ ect involved) Luckily, DH and I are VERY happy and stable. (I know, things change but I am not worried about it)

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Wed, 03/02/2011 - 8:28am

My son's father took off when he was 6 months old. He didn't visit or contact him from that point until after he turned 18 (he found him on FB).

I had my son FT except once in a while, he would go visit Grandpa & Grandma for a week.

I would NEVER have wanted it any other way. I don't care if his father was FOTY. I would not want to be away from my child any more than I absolutely had to!

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 03/02/2011 - 8:39am

I'll be honest here.. I would probably be a first class bitch BM. My DH would be lucky to have our BS1 EOWE and I really can't even imagine that... I adore my BS and can't imagine not seeing him for even 1 day. But as I type this, I feel bad, because I know my DH adores him too and that would be awful for him to only see him 4 days a month so I would probably break down and work out a 50/50 or something but it would be pure torture!

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Wed, 03/02/2011 - 8:53am

Personally-I could not deal w/EOW. I doubt that will ever be an issue though with my bios.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Submitted by Tx mommy of 3 on Wed, 03/02/2011 - 9:08am

That is why my marriage must work and I try to make I work. I couldn't handle being away from them eoweekend let alone only seeing them eoweekend. When I think about what if dh and I were to split and having to not be with them two weekends a month, holidays, etc then it makes me sad. Couldn't do it.

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Wed, 03/02/2011 - 11:00am

I could never do that.

Of course it would all depend on the circumstances of a divorce and how angry I am that would dictate what I would want if DH and I were to split up.

I am 35 weeks pregnant with our first child together, so I do wonder this sometimes, but hope we'll be together for the long haul. DH wanted a child badly when we first got together, but after 4 years of infertility and treatments and a great sex life that he didn't want to change, he's no longer so keen on the idea of children. It's obviously too late to change things, and he is getting excited to finally have a son, but I think my desire for this child is much stronger than his, and he knows this.

If I use DH's involvement in SD's life as an example of how our life could be, I don't think I'd have to give much time up. When we first met, he maybe had SD one weekend a month. I know when she was younger he had her more frequently, but I doubt it was more than eowe. And it became less and less as she got older, and now she's 19, and he hasn't seen her in almost a year. Since DH said he won't change diapers, if anything happens while our son is young, I don't know that DH will want to be involved at all.

If DH and I can manage a civil divorce, I think I would be willing to let him see our son whenever he wants, and encourage him to spend time with his son. If DH is difficult and ugly through a divorce, I would push to let him have minimal time, and think I would probably be granted that.