Until I recently found this site, I felt so alone but now I realize that dealing with what I am going through is not all that uncommon...and all you ladies, just reading your stories, your frustrations etc has given me comfort and more than that... hope. (I don't know if comfort is the right word, but I don't feel so alone in this battle as before.) I am going through my own divorce which is at the end. Other than the shock and horror of finding out my ex husband had 4 affairs during our marriage, we have had a decent divorce. We don't have children, assets, etc, so there has been really nothing in the drama department. We still are nice to each other, and rarely speak to each other and honestly since he lives in a different state, it has been easier to move on (at first I didn't think that was possible)but we have been seperated for a long time and I decided last Oct. that I was ready to begin meeting new people.That was a hard step for me. In Jan. I met my boyfriend. I fell in love with him shortly after that. He is going through a divorce as well. I guess I was niave in thinking that divorces were in general like well mine LOL boy was I wrong! This is such a mess I don't know if me sitting here trying to explain it will even make much sense. But I am reaching out in hope that any advice will help me. My boyfried and his ex have no children of their own. His step daughter however had a child when she was a teenager and as she was so young etc at the time an agreement was made that the two of them would raise the child. They never adopted the child. But they went to court when the child's father decided he wanted the child and that ended up with him voluntarily signing over his parental rights as he ran out of money to fight them. As no adoption was ever sought, the court divided the gaurdianship between the three of them each having one third of the rights to this child (the three being my boyfriend, his ex and the ex's daughter. The child's mother who is now 25 and has two other children by two different men, has been raised as this child's sister not his mother and she doesn't make many decisions about the care of this child as she often says, "I can't handle him etc" Back in December, my boyfriend discovered that his now ex was having an affair with an old lover. (We have found out from her family that she has been married 3 other times, each one ending with her having an affair with this same man...go figure... we also found out she has had 2 other children (between marriages) that after they were born and she was inconvienced by them gave them away...one was like 2 years old when she was "given away." My boyfriend's step daughter was not given away, but she has no clue who her real father is.
So I meet this man, my boyfriend in Jan. and I didn't realize how messed up everything was, had no clue what I was in for. We were happy to be together etc he told me on Valentine's Day that he loved me, and I do believe that he loves me. I know I love him. The problems have been going on from the get go with the ex. It seems she doesn't want him to continue to see the child, just because she "said so." I have watched this man grovel at whatever whim she says just to get to see the child. Neither one of these two have money for an attorney, so nothing legally has happened yet. It is drama everyday. I have done my best to stay out of this mess with his ex. The current arrangement (at least this week haha) the child is with us a week and with her a week.)Back in May the drama was at an all time high. He had been paying her to let him see the child plus paying all expenses, daycare, school, insurance etc. and she decided that paying all expenses and her $700.00 a month was not enough money as she didn't want to work anymore and her lover didn't make enough money to support them without her working. Well, a big fight ensued and he stopped paying her anything since he was paying for the child's expenses and that was the main thing...IMO why was he responsible to pay her and her lover's expenses and the child's? But that stopped. He didn't have the money to pay what he was paying her just to get to see the child that he has raised as a son and went through my savings like water. When the affair came out in the first place she kicked HIM out and he moved into a 20 foot camper on someone's property. She threatened all the time that when he went to work, she was going to come and take the camper, so he never knew when he came home from work if he was going to have a place to go home to. None the less, when she couldn't afford the home that she kicked him out of she moved in with her lover, as this home's lease was in my boyfriend's name, he said when she is out, we would move in together in the place. When the date arrived for her to be out, boyfriend was at work, and she did go steal the camper and wouldn't leave the house as she had said she would. So he was literally left homeless. She did eventually move in with her lover after she manipulated him into buying her a house which he alone on his income can not afford, and trashed our place so bad we couldn't walk into it , all the glass was busted out, the glasses from the kitchen were broken all in the carpet, it was ransacked with holes in the walls etc. And all HIS furniture that was supposed to be left here was GONE. It was truly amazing. But we finally got it cleaned up and moved in. He stopped all communication with her in May as she all she does is make demands and threaten. Any communication that HAS to be communicated goes through the daughter (or step daughter in our case. I do have to say on behalf of the daughter, she has tried to remain neutral, but she has been raised to be controlled by her mother so much that she literally can not stand up to her mother. All her mother has to do is threaten to take her other children from her and she cowers to do whatever her mother says, but it is clear since the get go of all this that she has no allegience to my boyfriend, though she says to him "you are my dad and will always be my dad" and she is so scared of being cut off from her mother that she is powerless in her own mind. I have reached out to her as a friend just to encourage her that she is great mother to the two children she is raising, but she has been threatened not to be friends with me, so I know that is going no where. Another problem arising is that the ex's family is on my boyfriend's side. And in all the months I have been with him, not ONE of them has EVER said anything good about her, NOT one kind word. At a Sunday dinner at her sister's house, her own mother told me that she couldn't believe that this person came from her, and that she is the daughter of Satan. But because her family is on my boyfriend's side, he feels this need to constantly "fill" them in with all the details of what new drama he is going through. We have no "friends" of our own that don't revolve around his ex's family. I am growing to resent this as more and more drama esculates. I feel like I'm being forced to interact with his ex's sister's brothers, aunts, cousins, mother, and of course the step daughter. I have given and given into this relationship and I think it is wierd that we spend so much time with her family just because he feels like he has a netowrk of support from them. They never do anything on his behalf just listen and bad talk her, that's REALLY solving the problem!
My boyfriend and I talk a lot. We talk about how he feels and how I feel. I told him that I feel very uncomfortable being forced to be around his ex's family so much.
Last week, school started. His ex moved the child's school to nearer her daughter's house and used the daughter's address to have him enrolled there, even though the child does not live with her. They lied and said that the child did live there. This school is over an hour's drive one way for us. We found out from the daughter that the ex did this in hopes that it would be too difficult for us to get him during our weeks. It is killing me I'm driving over four hours a day to take/pick up child from school. But we went to the school for the child's first day and I had my first in your face confrontation with this woman. She got in my face and pointed her finger at me and told me I had no business there, I had no business talking to anyone there (I personally know some of the teachers) and that I needed her permission to be there in the future, etc. etc. I finally told her that "You know, I don't care WHAT you say and care even less what you think." Boy that got her, she went screaming down the hall I'm taking your name off the list to pick up and drop off...I'm taking it off...I called her on it and said "Go ahead" and started laughing. But she was told by the principal that there wasn't anything she could do. The principal knows her already and can't stand her (seems to be the general trend. I have nicknamed her in my mind Her royal Highn-a$$ as she seems to demand the world bow down to her and her every whim and mood. I'm not going to. And you might ask, what was dear boyfriend doing while all this was happening? Not a thing. Which has brought up issues with us. I told him that I didn't deserve that and he agreed but said, "What am I supposed to do?" "Come down to her level and cause a scene?" "I can't control her." But I said "Maybe not, but you can defend me!" Geez. So now that the school has been changed I am driving ...get this... a total of 4 hours and 10 minutes a day to take and pick up from school. I'm stressed to the max.
Well...yesterday my boyfriend got a call from the daughter...his ex has told her that because she (the daughter) qualifies for legal aid as she has no income on her own...that she wants her to get a pro bono attorney from the state and file for full custody of the child as she is the child's biological mother, when she gets awarded full custody she wants her to hand over the child to her (the ex), and have the court name her domicile, leaving my boyfriend out of picture. She said that he is not blood and shouldn't have any right to see the child." Of course the daughter as always tells my boyfriend that she isn't going to go along with it, (she always says she won't go along with her mother's schemes, but low and behold, she does...)but I don't believe it. We've been burned too many times with those lines. So as this continues to esculate my boyfriend seems to be more and more obsessed with getting this child, I am constantly being asked to "do this, do that...for the child. He is becoming more and more obsessed with winning the step daughter over to his side. I can't tell you the last time he and I sat down and had a conversation that had nothing to do with the drama, the child, the ex, etc. I can't remember the last time we did anything fun together, laughed, or even made love. To top all this off, I just tested positive for cancer and I am devestated to think about that. I want to get a job but am being begged not to because boyfriend thinks it is better for the child to have a stable home when he is here and we are financially sinking. I'm trying to be patient and understanding and above all loving.
I am so frustrated. Any one have any advice?