What exactly is my role as a step mom expected to be? My husband dumps all responsibility he has with his son on me.
My husband has a court order with his ex wife for the first right of refusal stating that if either parent is going to be away from the child for more than three hours during their visitation time they are to notify the other parent and give them the first right, before any grandparents or family, to spend time with the child until the parent, who is supposed to have visitation rights at that time, is able to resume their visitation time and pick the child up.
My husband has been called into work over a few of the weekends, the past month, that he had his son and did not give the first right of refusal to his ex wife. Instead he was with me, the step mother, the entire weekend. The ex wife found out through the child and called to confront the father. This caused a bit of a rift for everyone. My husband has more work coming up and is expecting me to watch his son for the entire time and not giving his ex the first right of refusal as stated in the agreement. I feel this is not right and I finally expressed my concerns. My husband feels as though I should help him out and watch his son for the entire time and now feels as though I am not doing my part and helping him out.
Mind you, we are expecting our first child in a month, I take full responsibilty for his son such as feedning him and helping him with his home work and doc appointments etc. I go to school full time and run the house-bills, cleaning, cooking, baby, errands, etc. In a month I have a new baby to add to it all. I am maxed out! I love my step son but I do not feel as though this added pressure to not only watch his son for him but to try and hide it when his son asks when is daddy going to be home, etc. Over winter vacation my husband started a new job and worked from dawn to dusk and I watched his son for ten days straight. I wanted to take the added pressure off of my husband and I was between semesters so I took care of his son the entire time. Isn't the whole point of a visitation schedule so that the child can spend fair time with the PARENT not the step parent or exptended family? My husband says that I watched him before over the winter break and the weekends he had to work so what is the big deal? He thinks I am siding with his ex.
I'm not sure what exactly my role should be or if I am incorrect by telling my husband that I will help out for the three hour window, however, if it is over the three hours he should follow the court order. My step son is 8 and requires much attention. Help me how to handle this and correct me if I am wrong!
Ok, wait...so the mom is
Ok, wait...so the mom is actually preferring to have the son back and be responsible for him if over 3hrs-and there's a court order but he expects YOU to play babysitter for him???
Oh hon...lay down the law NOW..this man is using you! AND not to mention that his ex is preferring to take that on if he's not there. YES visitation is for HIM to spend time-if he can't and his ex prefers to have her w/him then what is his deal???
God these men are so stupid sometimes! Tell him you will NOT violate a court order and get in trouble-that if he is away and tries to leave w/you while at work that YOU will make arrangements w/the ex to have her child go w/her. That it's his child, and responsibility-that visitation will happen while he's there-I can see stepping in for up to 3hrs ...but anymore then that-it's NOT your problem to deal with.
Here you could have it easier and he's being an idiot...wth??
I didn't think of that. But
I didn't think of that. But you are right. I see a bit of a guilt trip added in there. I'm going to have to toughen up.
PA- hmmm, could be, but could
PA- hmmm, could be, but could not be "Likely she doesn't really want more time with the kid, she just wants to control your household"
I'm not sure what her BM is like-but not all bm's are against having their own kids and in deed prefer to have them if dad can't be with them during visitation.
I know perhaps your situation makes you doubtful but we're not all like that
Also-if hes' not spending time anyway, and there's a CO about it-isn't that controlling the BM and her time w/her son?
So BM WANTS to have the child
So BM WANTS to have the child and he prefers for YOU to have him? What kind of sense does this make? He's not spending any time with him and if the child's own mama wants him, why can't she have him?
So when the baby comes and you're dealing with a newborn, is he still going to expect you to watch him?
Put a stop to it now.
From the other side of the
From the other side of the spectrum. We just busted BM on not following the "right of Refusal". Mediator put her in her place. You need to do what the CO says. He is wrong here. Besides completely taking advantage of you goes without saying. Not your kid.
THis will bite him in the ass if you go to court again with BM. She is keeping track and she should. We just had it removed from our CO at BM's request. As long as she didn't pursue CS from us.
Tell him he has to follow it. Not his call on this. Trust me she is keeping track of the mistakes and will take you back to court at some point and this will look really bad.
I think 3 hrs is just stupid.
I think 3 hrs is just stupid. 8 hrs or more. Even 6 hours at a squeeze. What would happen if the child wanted to have a sleepover at grandparents?
I would tell my DH that he signed the agreement and it makes it a legal issue. If he doesn't want the 3 hr time frame in there he needs to take this back to court to be amended. But in the meantime everytime he leaves you with his son for longer than 3 hours you will be calling his mother because this is the legal thing to do.
The silly goof signed it he can get it changed. This will give you some leeway while the new baby settles in.
Thanks for all the advice.
Thanks for all the advice. This just confirms that what I am thinking and feeling is on track. I am eight months pregnant, tired, and for being a first time mommy, very nervous at caring for a newborn and being by myself. All my family and friends live out of state.
The BM does have a fiance and i'm sure the BD would be "royally pissed" if she left his son with him the entire weekend.
I do have to put my foot down with this issue. They fought tooth and nail to have this 3 hour first right of refusal. I like to stay out of it and let them battle their own fights. I do not get involved at all, however, if this comes up again I will definately contact the BM for her rights. She does want to see her son and usually has no problem picking him up. She has even went as far to ask him if on her weekend it was ok if he stayed at her parent's house for the night. Again, it is their problem not mine.
I have my own little bundle of joy and wonderful problems of my own coming up here shortly! Thanks again for all the feedback!
You are very right. I had the
You are very right. I had the exact same issue and I fought it to the end. He is beign very selfish and should be ashamed of himself. He would rather you have to care for him then let his mother have the time.
Stand up for yourself and your family. He needs to stop this.