With SD 14 gone and living with BM and the modification almost signed and settled, I can look back and see where everything went wrong.

I know that we SM's have problems with Boys and Girls alike. But, it really feels like the girls give us so many problems. The pattern seems to happen in their tweens. It started for us at 13. It blew up when she turned 14 and she had it in her head that now she had rights and a judge would listen to her. She emphatically said this over and over again and then SD14 had us served.

I can look back now as the drama somewhat subsides. I have come to realize a few things about these SD's. I think these girls learn how to manipulate everyone through the divorce. They know mom and dad feel bad about the divorce and they continue to play on that for years. They play them against each other to get to do what they want. For us, DH recognized early on that she was "boy crazy" when she got into 6th grade. He tried to reign it in. But, she would go to BM's and BM thought it was great that she was popular. So she encouraged her to be at sleepovers all weekend and even during the week. DH didn't see the problems. BM just seemed to think everything was great. She had the mentality that SD was a good girl. She was then, just very cocky and manipulative. Fast forward to know and you see the problems. These situations start when suddenly these girls that have been controlling everything in their DH's life amd then a SM comes into their life and starts calling them out on stuff. We see the manipulation that they do. We see when they are heading down a bad path. We mention it casually to DH's and they get defensive. We couldn't possibly be right and have their best interest at heart. We become evil if we say anything. We start to get negative about these kids. We don't want to. We tried to just point out things. We are made to feel like our opinions don't matter. I spent the first 9 months in this house, feeling like I was hated and that I had made this awful mistake. If I had left I think it would have made this girl worse. She would have won.

Then the games get worse and worse. For us, SD had a place to go. For some the BM's aren't in their lives so they don't have that option. So they turn it on to the SM in their life. For me, it is nice that she is not in the house. She still manages to cause drama just by living so close and what she is doing to her siblings. She beats up SS12 if he doesn't move fast enough in the morning to catch the bus. He says he is relieved that he has a week away from her now. The kid even asked when this started if DH could make it so they were never in the house together. If he could be here the week she wasn't. DH should have said that to BM then. But, she made everything so difficult.

Did I handle everything right? Probably not. I was nice and I got slammed for it. So that made me start calling her out on everything in front of DH. I had to make DH see what was happening with her. The lying and the manipulating she was doing. The constand need for attention. This was a path that she was headed and all I could do was point it out. It caused us to argue continuously, which she loved. We ended up in therapy. That didn't work out well at all. I still feel like I am starting to recover from PTSD. That is insane that I would feel that way. She made this house a war zone...

Everything that was happening was apparent to me as a Stepmom. It was all going to get worse if we didn't get a handle on it now. BM by being permissive has changed who she could have been. By not stopping the manipulation and lies about SM and DH, she allowed her to think she could do what she wants. She got what she wanted, she is living in a house that has no rules. With a Step sister that has already been expelled for drinking. She is seen all over town with different friends and boys all the time. She is always going.

Where we are now...DH has taken her out to dinner one time in 9 months and there has been two fights between us caused by it. She knew what she was doing insisting that they meet on a saturday night. I don't think he will make that mistake again.
She is now a bleach blonde at 14 and BM and her have a nice picture of their blonde hair together on Facebook for the world to see. Amazing, since both of them are very brunette. Who bleaches a 14 year old? I casually mention the hair to DH and he goes off about BM and that it looks terrible with all the eye makeup. I let that go. Then I find out that they went to our favorite restaurant where we know the owners very well. I said very calmly that there are 40 restaurants in this town, do not ever take her there again. Our place. His answer she likes Sushi. Tough. I am mortified that they saw this child. This situation is embarassing for me and I do not need it made to appear that all is well with this girl. I don't think he will do that again.

These girls, seem to take great pride in continuing to make everyone miserable. I am convinced that it is fun for them. When SD14 started harrassing BS15 on the bus, she clearly did it because she enjoyed it. These girls really make our lives difficult as much as they can. She didn't live here anymore, she got what she wanted. Out of our house. So now, she has to do something to get our attention and the only way is with the "perfect son" as she used to call him. BM defended her again. BM got hers in court with the mediator telling her she was entitled to no CS. At least she got a little karma. My question is BM got a little of hers from the legal system and very high legal bills, do these SK's ever get theirs?

Will she ever realize that she had a good relationship with her father and she destroyed it? Will she see that she could have been so much more, if she had the structure and discipline that she needed? Will she realize it when college comes and I encourage DH to not give her a dime. Telling him that she already got 10K from us from the laywers fees she caused. Will she realize it when we take the boys on a very large vacation this year to an exotic locale to see her Uncle get married and she will not be included? Will she realize that the evil SM is not so evil, when she pays for another cruise and only takes SS and BS on the very large cruise ship that she pushed for? Will she ever admit that she lied to BM about what happened in our household?

I don't think these teen girls realize the damage they caused. I hope she realizes what she did. Do I think it will be anytime soon? Probably not. I do know this, she will never enter any home I live in, without a very long and detailed apology to myself, her father and her brother and my BS.

I am sure there will be conversations in the future about this with DH and he will tell me she apologized to him. I don't care and I hope I remember this, she has to do it in front of me and to me...she needs to see the pain that she and her mom caused.