Hating younger stepkids under 18
I think at some point, we've all hated our stepkids, or at least have thought that we really hate them.
Some questions that could serve as food for thought for us SMs:
1) Why do we hate, or think we hate, our stepkids?
My answer: I know that I thought I hated my stepkids because they were rude, unclean, and uncivilized. However, they were younger (early elementary school years) and were living with BM, who makes neanderthals look good.
2) Why don't we direct our hatred towards our DHs?
I know I directed most of my hate to the skids because I didn't love them, and I love DH. I wasn't mean to skids. I just felt more resentment inside towards them.
3) How much blame do we place on skids, on DH, and on BM? Do we have any blame to accept here?
I blame BM 50%, DH 30%, myself 15%, and SDs 5%. This is all in hindsight. At the time, I blamed the skids 70%. Even though I knew deep down that they needed to be parented better, it's hard for anyone to not resent the direct offender.
4) Are the skids old enough to "know better?"
My stepkids did know better but their bio-parents were not doing anything to correct their behavior or teaching them how to appropriately vent their emotions, so they didn't have a lot of other alternatives. We didn't have a close relationship at that time where they could come and talk to me. It was much more distant.
5) If they are old enough to "know better," but their parents aren't teaching/guiding them appropriately, what other alternatives do you think they (the skids) have?
I'm still trying to figure #5 out.
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Comments
1) Why do we hate, or think
1) Why do we hate, or think we hate, our stepkids? I don't "hate" them...I just really dislike them. The reasons why are because they manipulate, lie and triangulate and use people. I wouldn't like people like that in my life period...they shouldn't get special treatment cuz they are my skids.
2) Why don't we direct our hatred towards our DHs? Because it is not his behavior that is causing all the problems and issues and they are old enough now to know better and should learn from their mistakes but they don't.
3) How much blame do we place on skids, on DH, and on BM? Do we have any blame to accept here? 100% on the skids now because like I said, they are old enough to know better and shouldn't have some "excuse" to behave poorly to anyone! 25% on DH, because he should have stuck to his guns more, and 75% on the BM because she is an idiot who put them in harms way, and taught them how to behave the way they do.
4) Are the skids old enough to "know better?" Yes
5) If they are old enough to "know better," but their parents aren't teaching/guiding them appropriately, what other alternatives do you think they (the skids) have?
If everything that could be done is/was being done...then they don't have any alternatives other than to grow the hell up and learn lifes lessons the hard way. (that would be our skids...even counseling did nothing for them because they refuse to see anything in themselves that needs to change or be worked on...you can lead a horse to water....)
IF the parents did not do their job then these kids should be looking to peers for guidance...if their peers are not good then they will turn out just as bad as you think they will...and maybe they might figure it out sooner or later and then again, maybe not.