So we are "withdrawing"
Well, at least that's what the bf calls it..IMO it's just slowing things down for the kids.
We've been having several talks lately about how the kids are making us escalate our relationship to quick...and that the pressure of all 3 of them together is taking a toll on our relationship in a bad way. I was getting resentful, he was feeling torn, we were both stressed and at our wits ends.
So..I very clearly and nicely and in a "no big deal" kind of way presented that on the wknds we have the kids we do things differently...that we may only see eachother for an outing but no staying under the same roof a couple days (my home anyways). I told him the kids are seeing us to serious and already doing the stepdad/stepmom/stepbrother/daughter talks...and leads to fighting for SD about her new "birth order middle child"...This is supposed to be the fun part of our relationship, it's supposed to be about US building what we have together and adding all the expectations, fights, rivalry and difusing fights and figuring out spats is sucking the fun and romance out of our dating.
He agreed and said 'so you're saying we need to withdraw a bit'..I said well not US but as far as the interactions w/the kids, yes. He was surprised I presented that but liked the idea. Another thing I didn't tell him but know is that the SD will hopefully with this revert more to 'visitor' status whenever she does come then act like it's her home, her stuff and can do as she pleases. This causes her to fight/bully the kids tryign to find her spot...instead if it makes it a little uncomfortable and "foreign"...it reinforces this is OUR home (the boys and I) and she is a guest and it's a priviledge to visit us and she can't bulldoze her way around anymore.
Any thoughts on this...is this the right road? We aren't ready to move in together or marry yet...but it's like we were almost entirely doing the blended thing w/disasterous results when we even haven't committed to marriage. We want to be together, we love eachother and always want to be around eachother but this was too much pressure. I was afraid (and so was he) that it would end up screwing up the relationship before we had a chance to take it to the next level. I'm hoping this will bring us back to a better place.
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Sounds like you've made the
Sounds like you've made the right decision. It's easy for things to get pushed along too quickly sometimes. I think it'll be better to step back a bit and not let the kids drive your relationship. And very cool that he was OK with that! I once left a man when he flipped out because I wanted to stay home on a Friday night for dinner with my sons, after he got used to having me over to his place every Friday and Saturday.
I'm glad you did leave him!
I'm glad you did leave him! wow! That was a mess waiting to happen!
The bf has proven to be a very flexible guy...he respects when I need my alone time or time with the boys one on one.. or my girls night out or if I have a change of plans.
It was like he seemed relieved I brought it up and thought it was best...I think he must have been thinking that for some time but was scared to bring it up (though he did throw some hints out a few times not long ago) because maybe I would take offense to withdrawing a bit. I think most people would think that a step back is the step in the wrong direction...but I don't think that applies so much with skids involved.
I had to do some soul searching to realize the kids "driving" the relationship was hurting us in the end....it became so much about them and them getting along and worried about their interactions...it was taking up the whole relationship. Funny thing is we didn't really talk about withdrawing him from my boys...just the kids interactions and all 5 of us together...in other words it's his D that was mainly causing all this.
No issues when it's just the boys and I with him. Go figure huh?
I think you're doing the
I think you're doing the right thing. I told you before that I am in a similar situation, although I did live with my exbf/bf(?)first and then we pulled WAY back because it was too stressful -- mainly for me -- because my bf and his daughter were living in my house. Since we separated out families over a year ago we very rarely do any kid related activities and never do sleep overs with the kids.
I think you are so smart. You're in a young relationship and it makes it nearly impossible to enjoy things/focus on your coupledom when you're trying to blend kids from two different sets of parents who've parented differently, dealing with crazy exes, etc. I wish I'd just focused on my guy instead of us moving in together. I think maybe our relationship wouldn't have been so eroded/destroyed had we kept kids out of things (granted, we dated for almost two years before we moved in together but we were spending lots of time together with our kids).
Just an FYI, it's the SAME thing with us...he comes over and stays with my kids and me, but the SD is the ingredient that seems to make things go awry -- he even agrees. I think it is impossibly tough to add an only child who has been the sole focus and driving force to a situation where the adult is in charge and the parenting situation isn't a peer relationship or a spousal-type of thing between the daughter and the father or the wife and the son.
YES your situation is very
YES your situation is very similar to mine indeed! Wow! Question-how did the kids take it when you started doing things seperately or when they moved out? How did your bf feel? Obviously you guys were able to still stay together despite what seems like a big 'step back'.
I guess for us we've both been married before and have kids-we have no rush to remarry or intention of having more kids so we're trying to keep the focus on us as a relationship and obviously we aren't really sure we want this whole step-family thing right now or for a long time lol.
How did your kids take the "step back"...did they think you were breaking up? Did you talk to them about it...how does his D feel now do you know? I'm sure they probably would feel (the SD's for both of us) somewhat responsible or punished by no longer being allowed to have as much time around you guys and your home? (which is fine if that's how they acted)
Do you see her at all or is your time on those wknds when she's around pretty limited?
I always wonder how our guys feel..that they can get along w/ours and it's all good but the 'bad ingredient' is their own kid. It's like it can go one of two ways...they can start resenting "our" family because they don't have that w/their own kid or gravitate more towards our family being his also where their own kid is more of an outsider? I think in my case he gravitates more towards being a family with us.
He's had numerous incidents when his ex takes the girl to his parents house-he gets a call about it...but THEY agreed to it, not him. It's their house... He struggles between feeling guilty and sometimes goes to get her to be with him and sometimes he just stays w/me and the boys and lets them take the responsibility if they want to decide to take her in all the time at the BM's whim w/out asking him then fine but he shouldn't have to change his plans all the time. But I see that he's very torn about it, extremely so.
He feels there's no way to get the BM in line unless it somewhat punishes the daughter. If the tries to set limits w/her the BM will say "ok I'll tell her you dont' want to see her'....and he's had to just accept that but can't allow her to run his life. His parents on the other hand seem to have no problem letting BM run their lives and schedules at her whim whenever she pleases because they feel bad...and truth is if she doesn't go w/them the BM will drop her at anyones random house. I guess they feel at least there she has some stability.
We're going on almost 2 yrs now together also...but hey this is OUR time, and we spend so much time worryign abotu exes' and his kid...ughhh.. maybe this will be an improvement.
I will never forget what he
I will never forget what he told me the first night (which was a weekend) when he moved out and back to his mother's house with his daughter. He said SD had said that she liked it better at her grandmother's where it wasn't so noisy and there weren't any kids around. At the time, she was 7 and my kids were both teens. I thought to myself, she likes it there because she is back to the center of things vs. being part of something. She actually liked being a part of the new family we were trying to form but it was very difficult for her and my bf not to focus on her vs. considering all of us. I don't blame him, as the situation is nearly identical to yours...he was afraid that if he didn't totally focus on SD she'd blab to BM (because "normal" treatment would seem harsh -- and he was afraid SD wouldn't want to stay with him half time) and it would harm what we were trying to create. He also wasn't divorced when we first got together (we didn't live together until their divorce was final), which made it VERY difficult (he never told me his divorce wasn't finalized and dodged my questions about when they divorced...in his mind their two and a half year separation was the same as being divorced but anyone who is divorced knows it is VERY different being divorced). He was so used to being in this dysfunctional dynamic with BM that he thought what WE'D consider healthy boundaries was him being selfish, harmful to his daughter, and that any request from BM would cause him to lose his daughter. Awful.
I didn't really say too much to my kids about it. I kept it short and sweet and said something to the effect that it is hard to take two different families and put them together and that we were still together but just slowing things down a bit. Although my kids were largely doing their own things, I think they were perceptive enough to know what was going on and the dynamic between my bf, BM, and SD. I know my daughter used to get very angry over what she felt was my BF overindulging SD/overfocusing on her. I think the girls were jealous of each other too -- since my daughter craved my BF's attention and because SD felt supplanted.
I don't think SD ever asked about things. I think she was happy and relieved to just go back to what she was used to.
"I always wonder how our guys feel..that they can get along w/ours and it's all good but the 'bad ingredient' is their own kid. It's like it can go one of two ways...they can start resenting "our" family because they don't have that w/their own kid or gravitate more towards our family being his also where their own kid is more of an outsider? I think in my case he gravitates more towards being a family with us." Omg, yes. This is totally the case with my BF and he's even admitted to it to me many times. That being said, in my particular case, how can he really be with me when I have a problem with his only child. She is his daughter. In my mind, it should be a deal breaker for him. I can't get past my feelings for her or the dynamic that still exists, so what sort of future is there really for us?
As far as boundaries, what you wrote about your BF worries me. This was my bf also. He finally grew some balls and stopped all the codependent BS he'd been doing. He always used to tell me, "I can't change BM, I can't change SD, I can't change my mom!" I never expected him to change them; I only expected him to change his reaction to them and guess what...once he DID a lot of the bullshit started stopping because people no longer triggered him. The only thing is that it came too late! I broke up with him in the summer because I'd had enough and it was clear to me he wasn't going to make any changes. It wasn't until nearly two months after I left that he finally got all the things I'd said. We'd gone to couples counseling for months and even though the counselor was saying everything I'd been saying, he just couldn't get it. By the time he did, it seems like it was too late. For me to get to the point of leaving something was ruined in me.
Have you tried couples' counseling? I am so glad we went because it helped me understand things and also helped me to understand that he wasn't willing to make changes (he is now, but I don't think it matters).
Just curious, how long has your BF been divorced?
Presonally I think it is
Presonally I think it is girls. My BS was an only child and had no problem with the transition. My SD changed the minute we moved in together. She completely ruined our first year together. Take it slow. Although it may not make a difference. We waited almost 4 years before we moved in together before the wedding. Everything was okay and then it went to hell quick...
I hate to pick on girls
I hate to pick on girls because I'm sure there are plenty of boys that cause trouble. I have to agree though. Girls make the situation more tense.
You are doing the right
You are doing the right thing. I am in a similar situation and it has taken that kind of backing up and even breaking up to get back on a track that I feel I can live with for now. Jsmom is right, boys can be a challenge, but the girls can be real drama queens. Sounds like you have a good man, though.
Trust me I hate to blame
Trust me I hate to blame girls. But, it just seems like they create more drama than the boys. The male stepkids just seem to have more issues with laziness, hygiene and social issues. Just my perspective after having followed the blogs for a few years now...