I guess it really takes the holidays to make me search out a place for support. So... how about a little intro before I jump into the meat of the matter?

I met my DW (I'll call her that even though we're not married yet - I'm waiting to have enough money and enough time to give her the wedding she deserves) over 6 years ago now. She was going through a rough divorce and her ex was giving her a hard time. After lots of emotional and psychological abuse (during their 12 year relationship) she left, leaving the kids with him (being convinced they hated her and she was a bad mother, she thought it was best). Not long after she left, the kids were taken away by childrens services and placed in foster care and group homes. She started having visits with them, and over the years three of them came to live with us.

The kids have their load of problems from their childhood (emotional and physical abuse). They've all been through various forms of therapy, and the three with us are doing okay. The youngest (C, currently 10) is doing really great, as her big brother (Mat, currently 16 almost 17). The other child with us is Mar (13), who still has some stuff to work on in terms of anger and frustration, but is generally doing really well.

In all three cases, Childrens' Services is either out of the picture (for Mat) or they are closing their file in March (for the two girls).

The other girl (K, 15), was in Childrens' Services for the longest - over 4 years. She came to live with us last year, but things went really bad (over the holidays) and she and her sister (Mar) were put back in Childrens' Services care. K is currently living with her father. Things are *not* going well there, and everyone knows (including Childrens' Services), but there isn't a strong enough case yet to remove her from there since both she and her father are keeping quiet and lying.

My relationship with the kids has been up and down, but DW and I are strong in wanting to build a happy and healthy family, and they have come to respect and love me, as I have come to respect and love them. At least for the three that are living with us. With K, it's another story entirely. Her father doesn't respect me, doesn't think I should have anything to say about K's behaviour while she's in our home. Of course, K has picked up all that. When she was living with us, things were getting slightly better (and they worked with her a lot on that in the centers as well) but she has regressed on almost all levels.

I guess that brings us up to this holiday season.

K has come to visit us for weekends a couple times (we moved to a new city about an hour and a half away in September) since we've moved, and the other girls are in supervision with their dad. For Christmas, she is here from the 23rd of December to the 7th of January. Our job/goal/hope is to get her comfortable enough that she talks about what's going on at dad's house, to help Childrens' Services with their case (to get her out of her dad's house).

I'm cool with that. I want help for her, I want her to be in a better place.

But I didn't know what a price our family would have to pay.

She is... impossible. Rude without provocation, mean for the heck of it, doesn't respond to any request, no matter how it is asked. It has now been 4 days that she's been at the house, and there have been three major fights and continual negative comments and rudeness. She lies constantly (to the point where I wonder if it's not compulsive), and has no respect for personal space or belongings (she enters other people's rooms without asking, etc.)

We don't have an extra room for her - we have four bedrooms, one for each of the kids who live with us, and one for us. That leaves her sleeping in the basement/family room. So far she has spent the majority of the time on the computer, which is somewhat of a good thing, because it minimizes her interaction with the others. We have thought about limiting her computer time, but 1) it gives us access to her inner thoughts, as the computers are monitored, and 2) it limits her interactions with the others which limits the fights. I wonder, though, why she's here. It feels like she's only here for the presents and the fun (we throw a big christmas and a big new years), but doesn't care about being polite or grateful for what she receives.

I guess..... I guess what I'm looking for here is some sort of support, a place to vent, a place where I can say how much I hate having her here without feeling guilty. Her mom feels the same way, I guess - trapped, unable to do anything, since K won't respond to any request, and we don't want to hurt the household atmosphere by screaming and yelling. I want to get as much info on her, but at what price? Should I accept ruining my holiday vacation (I go back to work on the 5th, but I work from home...) and the holidays for my family just so that we can know how really screwed up she is? How much abuse should we tolerate? To make things better, the social worker that takes care of her case is on vacation until the 11th... so our only option would be to call emergency services (a step that we're not really willing to take right now).

I'm feeling trapped, and sad, because she's so screwed up, and I just want her out of my house. We've worked so dang hard to build it, with love and safety and caring, and she just comes in and (metaphorically) spits on everyone. I wish I could just say "you are no longer welcome in this household" but she is my DW's daughter, and she wants to help her. I'm not sure I really want to help her any more. I think there's a point where rudeness and meanness just doesn't get excused any more. Maybe because I'm not her biological father. Maybe because we never really built a strong link together. But if she can call her mom a fucking cow (because she couldn't have an extra scoop of hot chocolate in her coffee)... I guess the link between the two of them isn't so strong either.

I'll stop writing now. Just getting it out of my head has done a world of good - maybe I can face the rest of the day.

Thanks for any kind words/support/advice.