Some Advice would be appreciated....
Good morning everyone!
I am new to this site so please bear with me. I have a beautiful 9 year old stepdaughter. I love her very much and we have a good relationship..well that is until lately. Her mom and dad split when she was 18mths old because her mom had an affair which ended the marriage. I came along when she turned 6 and like I said everything has been fine until last year. I do not like her mother at all, every thing is extremely stressful when dealing with her, from picking my SD up on our weekend to taking court appointed vacation time, everything is a huge to do. But the biggest issue is have with this women is the way she raised this child. She does not take care of my SD properly, she is never properly fed or dressed. She was never clean when she came over and was only showering once a week. I have been showing her that these things are very important and she needs to take some pride in herself. Just so everyone is on the same page, my husband pays a huge amount of child support and has never missed a payment. BM does not work and is on government assistance and her live in boyfriend does not work either.
So..my concern is in the last little while she is telling people that I'm not her mother and seems very angry when she says this (I have never said that I am and she calls me by my first name) so I dont know why she is doing this. She makes a point of telling her friends that my last name is my maiden name and not her family name (I did take her family name when I married her dad), then when we are alone or with my family or her dads family she tells them that I'm such a great stepmom, that I am just like a mother to her and she loves me so much and she is so glad that I am in her life... So to say the least I am very confused..any advice would be very much appreciated as I'm not sure how to deal with her right now..
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Comments
It sounds like she might be
It sounds like she might be embarrassed because her parents are divorced. Her close friends don't have step parents and she probably isn't sure how to address it with them. Try talking to her, if this is the reason point out classmates or other friends who might not be as close to her, yet have the same situation.
Obviously expalin that it isn't anything to be ashamed of rather you're privileged to have more adults that love and care for you.
Maybe BM is on her ass about
Maybe BM is on her ass about you. She might be conflicted about loving you and her mother and wanting to be loyal to her mom and feels guilty for loving you too. My SD went through a spell with a lot of guilt and it made her very sad. DH and I had to sit down with her and explain it was ok to love us both and that she should love her mom. If she didn't "love" me that is ok too and I am not her mom so she never needs to feel like she has to choose, etc..... After that she seemed to improve but BM still hates my guts.
I agree with Silly. From my
I agree with Silly. From my experience, when a child is fine for a long period of time (fine with SM I mean) and then one day she is trying to make it clear that you're not her BM, maybe her BM has made comments to your SD about you. Maybe BM feels threatened by you, maybe BM KNOWS how much your SD loves you and it most likely drives BM crazy. Maybe SD has made comments to BM about your awesomeness and now BM wants to make it clear to SD and mostly YOU that BM is her BM and "you're just a stepmom!"
If everything has been going well over the years, don't let it get to you. It's so hard for a child with the guilt and confusion. Trust me, I know. I'm a SD myself.
Also, like others mentioned, sit down with DH and SD and explain that loving all THREE of her parents is perfectly fine and she should feel no guilt about it
Good luck to you!
Hi LaMareOssa... Thanks for
Hi LaMareOssa...
Thanks for the advice. I know BM doesn't like me and the funny thing is I have nothing to do with her at all, I dont speak to her, I dont email her I have absolutely nothing to do with her. I told my SD (right or wrong) that my relationship is with her and not her mother. I know her mother has told her that I know nothing about being a mother because I've never had any children, that I didnt carry her inside me for 9mths and she does not need to listen to me. My SD tells me what her BM says and I've got to tell you I'm just shocked..
My SD told her mom that we share secrets...you know girl stuff, fun stuff, anything serious I've told my SD that we need to tell her dad and in the past that's what we have done, but girly things no, it's just fun stuff and we dont tell her Dad..So BM told my SD that any secret she tells me I tell her dad so she should not tell me any secrets at all, so we got to a point that she wouldn't even tells us how her school was or how she was doing. I sat her down and that's when I found out that BM told her that she shouldn't trust me with any secrets. This poor child was so upset, I told her I had no idea why her BM would say things like that but the truth is our little secrets are our secrets and there is no need to tell her dad. The only time we tell her dad is when it's something serious, not when it's about having a crush on Justin Bieber or that fact that she loves cherry lipgloss.. so she was better and things have improved. Like I said her BM is not a good mother and tells my SD things that no child should ever hear.
I want my SD to concentrate on school and making friends and just being a kid and having fun. Not this nonsense it's not fair to her and her mother is taking away her childhood..
thanks Z
I wanted to say thank you,
I wanted to say thank you, all of your points are valid and I have a lot to think about. I do sometimes wonder if she is feeling guilty about loving me. I am trying to be patient but I have to say that her BM is making it very difficult, I'm to a point that I have nothing to do with her BM and I let her dad deal with her. She's in a new school this year because she started grade 4 and her old school only went to grade 3. Her marks are really good but she told me that at recess she sits under the tree and plays by herself so I asked her why she doesn't hang out with the other kids and she told me because that's my alone time and I want to be by myself. I really have no idea what she is really going through but I do want her to be happy. So I will take all the advice given to me today and put it to good use.. I do appreciate the fact that you took the time to respond to me... Z