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SFincrysis's picture

Submitted by SFincrysis on Fri, 11/05/2010 - 9:32am

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Teenage Stepchildren

Hi All,

Glad I found this site, having been pulling my hair out lately with my situation.

I am the stepfather of a 12 going on 20, 12 going on 8 stepdaughter. I have been with her mother for 3 years or so and we have been living together for a little over a year, Her mother was struggling a bit with finances before we started cohabitating.

My stepdaughter in my opinion is rude, lazy and unappreciative of anything and more often now everything i do.

She rarely helps out around the house, and when she eventually does do her chores, they are half assed attempts (excuse: i don't know how!! )

She doesn't take care of material possesions and if something breaks or is ruined claims it's " not my fault " and then complains like an 8 year old because it's broken and we eon;t get it fise

She is more often than not disrespectful to me unless she want's something, saying things like no, you can't make me, i don't have to and of course, you are not my father ( when i ask if she talks to her father that way ), this is my house too, and my personal favorite I know I know!

I am a pretty laid back guy and it takes a lot to make me angry, but lately with the rude snappy retorts/her blatant lack of respect to me and laziness, i really can't stand to be around her.

I have spoken with her mother about this in the past ( her mother spoke to her and then we had a family meeting about issues and i though all was resolved )

for me last evening was the final straw for the attitude, We have a small den like area, kinda my zone( tv/computer/my chair kinda room ) but i don't mind if she comes in and hangs out when she's not being a little brat. Her mom was in the shower, she came in and I asked her why she got detention that day ( not a common occurance ) which she was bragging about and laughing about with her mother a few minutes prior to that, her reply to me was " None of your business, do you think if i wanted you to know i would have told you" in her snitty little i am greater than that voice. Now i have never yelled at her, but last evening i did raise my voice sternly not insanely and told her to stop being so rude, get out of my den and stay away from me if she was going to be such a brat. and something along the lines of I don;t want to look at you or lieten to you when you are acting like this.

Of course she said something to the effect of, I was joking, or it's not my fault or one of the common excuses i often hear.

Spoke to her mother when she got out of the shower and told her what happened, and i was done with the attitude and the disrespect, her mother went and talked to her for an hour or so, and since then i have been getting the silent treatment, which at the moment is not a bad thing but...

Did i overreact???

She is not always a brat, she really is a good kid, We have a great time as a family doing things but over the past 6 months the attitude is there and getting worse. i do not like it,of course her mother is in the middle.

more background:
her and her mother lived alone together for about 4-5 years before we all moved in together in a different house.

I lived alone for nearly 4 years before we all moved in together,

we all discussed renting a bigger house and moving in together before we did it, and she was very much in agreement

her father is in her life biweekly ( lives in a differant city ) and is a nice fella, we chat all the time, and we all get along my SO her ex and her ex'es current SO

lots more to this but the venting helped thanks

tryingtomakeit's picture

Submitted by tryingtomakeit on Fri, 11/05/2010 - 11:00am

Welcome to the world of step-parenting! Step Kids know how to play the game and they play it oh so well.

1.) Please note that you were NOT in the wrong!
2.) It seems like the mom has got what my husband has...afraid to tell the daughter no or get on to daughter syndrome!
3.)I know kinda what you are going through and it is tough.

Just know that you are porbably the only one that is big enough to stand up to the daughter and I know it sucks...but in the long run it will pay off...hopefully!

I say stepback, but DO NOT let her walk on you!!!!

Good luck...and you have came to the right place for advise!! These step-parents on here give some pretty straight up good advise!!!

stronggirl's picture

Submitted by stronggirl on Fri, 11/05/2010 - 11:06am

You were and are not wrong...Adults deserve respect...doesn't matter who they are.

on the fence's picture

Submitted by on the fence on Fri, 11/05/2010 - 11:19am

Don't worry about what the little shit does. Do not try to parent her. Disengage but demand respect in your house. I don't care if I am not spoiled princess' mom. I'm not trying to be and don't want to be. I say, "No, I'm not your mom, but this IS my house!

ThatGirl's picture

Submitted by ThatGirl on Fri, 11/05/2010 - 11:30am

I think your response to her was absolutely correct. I get the same attitude from SS13. Not all the time, but even occasionally is too much. My typical response is, "Wow, that was rude." Then I get up and leave. That's definitely not working.

I've recently started wondering why I'm the one who leaves the situation, when he should be the one sent out? So I decided that from now on, I'll do exactly as you just did. I'm going to get back in his face, and send him to his room. He has no business being in any common areas of our home with that attitude, and can stay in his room until he fixes it.

I've done it once so far, and have been getting the polite but silent treatment for the last week. Not bad for someone with such a short attention span, but I can see he's getting ready to crack. I'm fully expecting for him to get lippy with me again on the weekend, and I'll send him to his room again with the same lecture. I'm hoping a few times of this and he might actually learn.

CowGirl's picture

Submitted by CowGirl on Fri, 11/05/2010 - 2:50pm

Ahhhh -- it's so great to have a tween girl isn't it?

I have 2 tween girls in the house: BD11 & SD11 (who will be 12 next month) I can tell you that since they started puberty -- they act like that also. I have heard they will be like that until they start their cycle.

What i have learned (recently) is the hardest part to blend in a family is daughter to step-dad. It takes a while for the daughter to become comfortable with a SD. My BD & I were alone for 7 years. We have all been living together for over 2 years & all get along pretty well. We all too agreed to live together. I have noticed that my BD tries to be that way also with my BF & then i have a talk with her that BF is not her father or trying to take his place, but he is a parental figure in this house & i expect you to respect him. In regards to you saying: do you talk to your father that way --- i don't think you should bring her father into this -- you are telling her to compare you to him or that you are trying to take his place. You need to tell her you are an adult in this house & you will be respected.

In regards to her getting detention - i would suggest not bringing something up unless she brings it up first. She was talking to her BM about it and not directly to you & it may take some time for her to be comfortable with you. My BD & SD do the same things when talking with me & BF walks in & he asks whats up and they both tell him they don't want him to know something. He gets his feelers hurt & then i tell him later or just tell him it's girl stuff.

I also told BD that she can't be back n forth on how she treats BF - one day she is as sweet as honey & the next a booger to him .... but i think it is mostly age. Believe me - there are many moments where i would like to take BD & SD and bang their heads together! I am actually a pretty stern BM/SM, and those girls are great kids, but hormones have their moments!