Adult Stepchildren
My step daughter is 20 years old and has been living on her own now for nearly a year and a half. She lives only 20 min away and in the past two weeks, she has been coming over to the house every single day and has spent the night multiple times. A couple months ago, my wife, me, and my step daughter sat down to discuss this situation, as she was doing the same thing then. I explained to them that this was not a personal thing and that it had nothing to do with not wanting her to come over. The fact is, she decided to move out and wanted to be independant. Yet when she started feeling homesick, she felt she could just come over and hang out; mostly to be with her mom. Of course there is nothing wrong with that per se, however I explained that this was not going to be all the time and there was no reason that she needed to stay the night either being so close to her own apartment.
I thought this message was conveyed as for the past couple months things were going ok. Then it started again over these past two weeks. When I comfronted them about disrespecting these boundaries, my wife instead took these personal and is trying to use the excuse that her and her daughter are bonding. For if I have a problem with that then maybe I should move out.
I have certainly tried to be understanding of the situation, but it has gotten to the point of both of them totally disrespecting me and the boundaries we agreed upon. I am at the point of just throwing in the towel and wanting to move out. I am just besides myself and hoping someone out there may have dealt with a similar situation, further possibly willing to provide some addtional insight.
Thank you!
My wife tells me she is
My wife tells me she is homesick and missing her. I totally understand that, however being here every day is not acceptable behavior, nor is spending the night. At the same time, I'm sure it is a comfort zone for my SD in that she wants to enjoy the luxuaries of being at home, when things are not all that great in a small apartment and not having much money....That being said, as I noted, we sat down together a couple months ago and talked things through. I reinforced that it was not a matter of not wanting her here, nor loving her as my own daughter; moreso she made the choice to want to move out and there is no reason that she needs to be here all the time. We set up boundaries and now they are totally being disregarded, which totally disrespects me not only as the stepdad, but more importantly as the husband!
I don't like the way your
I don't like the way your wife immediately suggests that you move out. Very tenuous commitment there, sounds like.
She stated as, "Maybe if you
She stated as, "Maybe if you don't like the way things are, then perhaps you might want get my own place!" Out of frustration I'm sure and although ultimately she doesn't want that to happen, likely felt that at the time. I'm already looking, but at the same time I don't want to do anything in haste.
Perhaps you did not read
Perhaps you did not read things in proper context. What I was trying to say is that she is coming over every single day and after the three of us sat down previously to establish boundaries, suddenly both my wife and my SD are totally disrespecting these boundaries and me! I tried to explain multiple times that this was not a personal thing, but moreso trying to establish ground rules for my SD becoming an adult and living on her own, vs trying to have her cake and eating it too!!!
She is not living at home
She is not living at home anymore and has not been for the last 1 and 1/2 years - this SF is not trying to kick her out of the house he is trying to keep her in her apartment. OP this is a tough situation - I don't quite get why her mother is now bonding with her - did SD live with her biofather and her and her mother are just now reconnecting - because if not then they should be bonded all ready -
You want you house back and I don't blame you - it is like having a roommate whose GF or BF is there all the time and not paying rent - you and DW need to sit down and discuss this together and then have DW talk to SD and tell her she needs to sleep at her own place or pay rent at yours. I would be pissed because I like to walk nude around my house - since my FIL moved in a year ago I am not able to do this - it is annoying so I can understand why you are mad - stick up for yourself and put your clothes back - to pack up is not the answer - your DW spoke in anger and now you are packing in anger - you all need to sit down and talk!
Maybe she is actually
Maybe she is actually homeless and is too embarassed or proud to admit that she screwed up and got evicted. Why don't you have a peek in her car next time she is over and see if all her clothes are in there.
Wow, I didn't think of
Wow, I didn't think of that... I was thinking (guessing) that maybe she doesn't have enough money for food and is coming around for meals. And if that is the case and since she has plenty of time to visit.. she should pick up 2nd job.
It does seem odd that a 20 yr old living on her own isn't spending free time with friends.
I would ignore the snotty
I would ignore the snotty comment from DW about finding another place....for now. She's obviously being defensive since she knows she broke your agreement. But I would revisit it when things have calmed down a bit. That shouldn't be her (or your) first idea for a solution!
As far as the sd is concerned... I agree with a few of the above posts. I hate to sound so suspicious, but it's been my experience that if it seems odd it's for a reason. Who knows, maybe she lost her job, maybe she spent her money on concert tickets instead of rent, maybe she got arrested! Even if she and her mom are joined at the hip, she may not be telling the whole scoop. I've found that when behavior changes that much there is usually an underlying reason.
Sit them down together and tell them how you feel. You deserve to have some privacy and time alone with your DW in your own home.
Something's up!
Sounds like maybe she's at
Sounds like maybe she's at the point of asking to move back in. She's hanging around more thinking it will soften the blow.
I agree with you. She is
I agree with you. She is definately testing the field to see how much she can get away with. She is testing the water. BEWARE!!! If your W is not oaky with your limits, tell her to move in with her daughter, since bonding with her daughter is way more important than your marriage.
Sorry for what you are going
Sorry for what you are going through maybe others can lend some good helpful advice...I guess this is my personal fear for my future. I am fearful that once my BF's kids are older or grown that they will try to come live with him (us)....I shudder at that thought....
Good Luck!! BTW, I think your wife's comment should not be ignored and you should communicate your feelings with her in terms of not appreciating her telling you that you can leave if you are not comfortable with her ADULT child coming over unannounced and staying over.
Whateva
My biggest fear as well. They
My biggest fear as well. They are called KIPPERS: Kids In Parents Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings.
So many studies being done in the UK, Australia and the U.S. as to why in the past 25 years more and more kids are not leaving the nest, or leave then boomerang back.
I recently ran into a old friend of mine whom I had not seen in a couple years. I asked how is marriage is going and we Step Talked. He said his greatest fear is that he will be 86 and still have his SKIDS living with him. I did not laugh. He said that none of the step parents that he talks to laugh when he says that... I told him it's not funny... his kids are from Vietnam and they traditionally live with extend families. I told him if that they choose that route then stand by their custom: the kids pay and take care of the parents.
You are exactly right... The
You are exactly right... The kids will pay parents X amount of money every month as token of appreciation.