Bio-dad
Just wondering if anyone has had this situation and what you did.
This is the first summer that BD has had the kids. The court order allots him 42 days with the three kids, ages 8, 7, and 3. We have been enjoying the quiet time without the kids, but the agreement with BD was that if the kids get homesick and want to come home, he will allow them to come home.
They are now halfway into their stay with him. The middle child was allowed to eat so much he got sick and threw up all over his bedroom in the middle of the night(which he shares the same bed with both his siblings). Come to find out he has been overeating the entire time which his mom warned him about.
BD started the first couple of weeks of this visit being totally cooperative and understanding with the kids mom, but they have been getting increasingly homesick, to the point of each call with their mom they get more and more tearful and have started crying during the whole call. BD has started taking the phone from them when they cry and telling their mom it's her fault they cry, that they are fine until she talks to them. All of them have stated they want to come home. When she finally asked their dad to let them, he goes back on his word and tells her that he won't let them go. That the court gave him 42 days, and he doesn't care if they want to leave, he is keeping them that entire time. She has even heard, over the phone, the kids saying "we want to go home" and him saying that they can't, that they have to stay.
It's sticky because of the court order giving him the time...but they had a written agreement (email) that he would let them come home if they wanted. He has been angry and mean, and shouts at them and their mom when he hears them say they want to leave.
Thoughts?
42 days in a row!? That's an
42 days in a row!?
That's an awful long time for such young children to be with just one parent.
Any chance the mother can squeeze an evening visitation in there?
Normally I would say, "Well that is what the CO says" but both BD and BM should be encouraging the children to spend time with the other. I dunno, this sounds messed up.
Yea, he gets 6 weeks. No, we
Yea, he gets 6 weeks.
No, we live several states apart so it's not possible to have an evening visitation. New development today...he texted her to say that he is no longer going to let her have any contact with the children until his visit is up. Blames her for sabotaging their stay with him and says when not talking to her they are okay and want to stay with their dad. She's a basketcase now worried about them. I can't talk to her because she's so distraught she lashes out at me.
This is intolerable.
*sigh* Matt, I've been
*sigh*
Matt, I've been through this mess...When our CO was first imposed, my DW was (and still is) a bucket of tears on those long stints when my SS is away.
The kids are young and it is only natural for them to be homesick. However, look on the bright side. If BD doesn't at least try to facilitate co-parenting, then he is going to have a rough time consoling 3 bawling children who want to see their mother. So that's on him.
It doesn't sound like the children are in any danger apart from some poor eating habits correct? The kids are safe with the BD?
Once your wife calms down, you can maybe speak to a lawyer about considering including a clause of unrestricted contact between the two homes.
My wife's ex was a bit of dick in allowing us contact with my SS during his visitation, but as SS grew older, his father realized that he is only hurting himself in trying to alienate his son from his mother. Yes, the father SHOULD spend some quality time with his children, but in this day and age with Skype and other communication technology, there is no reason to completely shut down communication between the homes.
What does your wife say when
What does your wife say when the kid say they miss her and want to come home? Could she just tell them that it is their daddys time and they need to stay there and that they will have a great time if they stay. OR, does she tell them how much she misses them too and wishes they were home?
I "kind of" see the dads point here if your wife is making it worse on the kids.
I agree. Have you thought
I agree. Have you thought about your wife possibly be feeding into the problem ?
I agree, sometimes it's worse
I agree, sometimes it's worse for the kids to talk to the other parent. Of course they are going to miss home and talking to mom just makes them miss it even more. Dad has probably seen them act perfectly fine until after the calls when they are a mess. It's not rocket science.
I'm reading this that you are
I'm reading this that you are the step-father of three children who are now with their bio-father for 6 week visit well away from your home.
This is a sticky one. Dad lives so far away that its not practical to break this up into smaller chunks of time because of travel expense. But either way the reality of it is that the kids are not seeing Daddy most of that time anyway. I assume he's working most days of the week.
I can also see his point of view in that every time Mommy calls the kids fall apart. Well it does build character and in time they will get over it.
If Mommy, your wife, is at home, not working, I'd be tempted to try for a order limiting the kids visiting Daddy to his vacation time, i.e. time in which he will actually be at home or traveling with the children. I.e. spending what we hope would be quality time with them not just leaving them with a evil step-mother or indifferent babysitter.
Whether the kids are in
Whether the kids are in danger or not is kind of questionable. He has no quams about yelling at them and their mom when they say they want to go home. He screams at all of them and then threatens their mom with them crying in the background to not let her speak with them.
I can understand about it being detrimental to have contact every day, but in the beginning, they weren't. Several days would go in between as she was trying to give him time to be with them. His level of cooperation even prompted her to tell me that he's trying to change and be a better person...which I was immediately skeptical, but went with it as not to dash her hopes.
It wasn't until he got sick and prompted her to ask him more questions about what they were doing and why he wasn't monitoring what the kid ate per her written instructions. He feigned support for her, but this week has done a 180 and is threatening her. You see, originally she would tell them she misses them too but that they were with their dad and she was proud of them for doing so well.
The screaming at her with them present that she will not be allowed to talk to them only makes them not want to be there that much worse.
OCC, she runs a daycare out of our home. She is home all day and we are able to keep childcare costs down while maintaining income.
Like I said. Wait for her to
Like I said. Wait for her to calm down and then consider seeing a lawyer about adding some additional clauses to the CO. You may not even need to go see a judge if both your wife and the ex can agree. DW and her ex did that and it helped. It didn't stop my wife from being worried and concerned about what goes on in the other home when my stepson is away so I really, REALLY sympathize with you here. I hope you have a strong will Matt because I know what it is like to have a wife who is utterly misreable because her kids are gone. There's no amount of wine and trips to the massage palor that will console them. Be kind to her. Convince her to enjoy these weeks you guys are alone to do something constructive; with my wife, we repainted SS's bedroom. Took trips to restaurants that don't have kid-friendly meals...You know?
Sorry, just re-read this....
Sorry, just re-read this.... "as per written instructions" :jawdrop: unless it'court ordered or the child has medical dietary requirements, I think your SO is way overstepping the bounds here.
They're his kids, in his house, on his parenting time.
She really needs to back off. How would she feel if he "required" her to email him daily food diaries for his kids? Or is it different because he's the dad?
Divorce always sucks.
Divorce always sucks. Believe me that many of us worry about such issues or have gone through such issues. Unfortunately, unless he is deemed unfit by a court, he has a right to raise his kids how he sees fit. If that means giving them crappy food or letting them eat whatever they want, your wife has no say. I know, it really does suck. Believe me I can't imagine and soon I will be in a similar position, but unfortunately, that is what it is. Your wife has no right, unless the children's lives are in danger, to attempt to dictate how he cares for his children anymore than he has a right to attempt to dictate how SHE cares for her children when in her home.
If she feels they are in danger, she needs to get the courts involved, otherwise, she needs to stop this "they should come home if they want to" thing, because honestly, it is interfering with his time with them.
6 weeks is too long for the
6 weeks is too long for the first time. Especially for the 3 year old. Dad should get his 42 days but i think dad should have started with 2 weeks and increased the time gradually.
If I split up from my partner I would find it very difficult to have my 3 year ld staying with her dad for a full 6 weeks.
So Dad gets them 42 days in a
So Dad gets them 42 days in a row. Is that his only parenting time, because if it is it seems kind of unfair of her to interfere in that time or try to cut it short.
Don't you think he might be missing his kids when they're apart?
It's not all about the BM. He's their Dad and deserves time with his kids. If HE were trying to cut the time short he'd be getting slammed for being a deadbeat absentee father.
Sorry Matt I know you're only looking out for your SO but they are his kids too and she needs to accept that.
I say this as the wife of a Dad whose ex does everything she possibly can to limit his time with his kids and makes herself a daily presence (via phone and skype) in our house when they are here, imputting on everything that goes on. A call every couple of days is plenty and much more respectful of the childs relationship with the other parent.
Does he get to talk to them everyday when they're with Mum?
No one will ever thank the person who limits the childs relationship with the other parent.
As long as the kids are safe, you and their mum really need to back off. Kids need their Dads too.
Just my 2 cents.
This is exactly how I feel.
This is exactly how I feel. He had to wait until the summer to see them, and probably missed most of their childhood too.
It amazes me how some people
It amazes me how some people can see only what they want to see.
No, she doesn't call them every day. She waits for the kids to tell their dad that they want to call their mom. Sometimes 4 and 5 days pass in between calls. The only time she was upset with him was when his neglect made one of the kids sick, and that's it. He agreed he was in the wrong and fixed it. And yes, he has been a deadbeat dad who is welcome to call whenever he wants...but he doesn't. He may ask to speak with the kids once or twice a month, if that. He went the first 14 months post divorce without a job, living off his girlfriend, not even trying to get a job to help support his children per the court order.
Sorry missflo, but it seems like you're thinking more of your situation than you are reading this impartially. She has bent over backwards to try to foster a relationship between him and their kids.
Put simply, she is not trying to keep him from them. Now that he has them in his home, he is doing that to her.
You're right Matt, people
You're right Matt, people often see only what they want to see and there is never one side to a story.. usually 3. His, hers, and what really happened. Of course you will see him as the bad guy. . Thats what she sees him as so thats all you see. He's obviously not perfect. But I doubt that he'd paint her as the perfect mum either. All I was saying is that he is their dad and its NOT her place to control what goes on in his home. They are his kids too.
If he chooses to marginalise himself that's one thing, she should avoid doing that to him. You can only control your own behaviour, not other peoples.
Of course we are all coloured by our own experience of this minefield that is step parenting and dealing with biological parents. No one would choose to deal with their partners past on a daily basis if they had a choice, but when you choose a partner with kids, you loose that choice.
Bottom line is that as much as we may be infuriated by the behaviour of our partners exes, we have no control over that. Neither do our partners, if he's within the orders and the children are safe, there is NOTHING she can do to change that. The children will return to their mum and life will go on. She chose him as the father of her children now she needs to accept that he IS the father of her children.
Think about this from the
Think about this from the dads point of view.
He hasn't seen his biological children in who knows how long, the heartache of not seeing them grow up until he is finally given some custody rights.
And he is dealing with a ticking time bomb knowing that he has to say goodbye to them in only 42 days, but when they call their mom all of a sudden they want to go home.
What is she saying on the other line to them?
And now she wants to cut their stay short?
It seems to me that BDad proved his case that he would be a good father to them and deserves this time with them.
The court order specifies
The court order specifies that he is to have them 1 weekend per month, the major holidays every other year, birthdays every other year. Spring break every year. Father's day every year. And 6 weeks during the summer. This was put in place within 3 months of when he kicked their mom AND THEM out of the house during HIS affair.
She lived just a few hours away from him for over a year. During that time, he chose to see them on only 3 ocassions. She would make plans around him saying that he was coming only for him to call and cancel the day he was supposed to be there. He has a history of lieing to his family about where he is going, asking to borrow a car to come see his kids only to cancel on his kids, not tell his family, and use the car to take his girlfriend on vacation.
I'm sorry, but superscribbler, but you have it wrong. He had rights from the beginning. He chose to not see his children. All their mom is doing is just telling them that she loves them and asks about their day and what they've been doing...showing an interest in their activities. What a good mom should be doing. Then before the call is over, saying "i love you". There is nothing wrong with that and they are the ones who bring up the subject of wanting to go home and start crying. She has tried to tell them it's ok and to be strong but that's when he starts pulling his crap. It is wrong, in every sense, to deny the other parent any communication whatsoever with the children when the sole purpose for doing so is punishing their mom because he doesn't like that the kids want to go home. Have you ever felt homesick superscribbler?? Moreover, were you 7 years old when you did? It's a desparate, lonely feeling when someone is yelling at you just because you want your mom. To shame a child into wanting to stay by yelling at them for crying is reprehensible.
Feeling homesick is very
Feeling homesick is very real. Especially when young. But the other thing about being young is that moods can change in an instant and that the fact that they express feelings of homesickness on the phone doesn't necessarily reflect their emotional state for the entire day. Kids are easily distracted and can have a really fun time doing the most mundane of things. Kids have a great capacity for play and having fun it is what they are built for. Yes I'm sure they miss their mom and that emotion is overwhelming for them at times. But at others they are probably really enjoying being with their dad who has been largely absent from their lives for the past few years from your account.
You are absolutely right that the dad yelling at kids and mom for being upset and homesick is wrong and shouldn't take place. Has your wife tried to email/text with her ex about how they can make the kid's phone calls to her less emotionally turbulent? He needs to address his attitude and ideally (though possibly unlikely) acknowledge that his response was uncalled for and potentially harmful. Are there other things that could be done too though? Perhaps dad could not call whilst they are upset but wait for them to be happier? Could your wife send letters for the kids? (I know that as a kid when I went away I loved receiving letters from my mom). That way they know that she is thinking about them but hopefully and nice letter will not cause them to get quite as upset as a phone call?
It seems to me that one of the key factors that is causing this distress is the informally agreed clause that if the kids were too homesick they could come home. This is distressful to your wife as she sees the kids upset and of course just wants them home to give them a hug. But also if that was communicated to the kids it lets them know that they could go home if they feel bad. It sets them up to feel bad and makes them think that every time they feel bad and homesick there is a solution and that they could go back to moms. Then they will just wallow because they are staying at dads and that promise has been broken. Where as if they knew they were staying for x-weeks then they would just get over it and move on with enjoying their time with dad.
Another thought, if you are willing to pay to change all 3 kids flights home (surely that adds up?) then can you use that money to fly mom over so that she could spend a day with the kids (assuming dad agrees to it, long shot I know).