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Thank You CareGiver for Yesterday's Post

Francesca's picture

Submitted by Francesca on Fri, 10/15/2010 - 9:35am

Thank you for your post yesterday. I agree that there is too much bashing going on. I too, was bashed on my first post here. I was astounded that women did that to me when so many of the posts talked about the same BM issues that I have. I was targeted because SO is not divorced from BM yet. It seems like we are not the only couple facing that situation on here. A few members e-mailed me privately to tell me that there are a few people on here that will do that. Thank you, members, for your support. What the BMs can do for the SMs, is to help us parent your children. Help us provide stability and continuity in their lives. FIGHTING US/TERRORIZING US/HARRASSING US/LYING TO US/PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROMING YOUR CHILDREN/ IS NOT IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF YOUR CHILDREN. In my case, I have no children. As this is hard for you to see your children enveloped into a new family with their BF, it is equally hard for me to parent a child that belongs to you and the man I love. It requires a HUGE opening of my heart and mind, and a great dose of adulthood to be able to do that.
This is a SUPPORT SITE, we can disagree, but how about in a constructive manner. Otherwise move on to another post.
Thanks again, CareGiver.
F.

Comments

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Fri, 10/15/2010 - 10:14am

Thank you Francesca - I realized that I was getting caught up in the drama and was actually looking forward to being on the site to see who was fighting and looking for the big threads - I commented a few times and sometimes stayed out of it but then realized that you can write all you want and try to get your point across but if you feel the way you do so strongly then that person you are arguing with also feels so strongly about their way - so there will be no winners and the big loser is the OP who asked the original question.

As for your situation - I am not going to PM you I am going to put it out here where everyone can see - there are many reasons why a marriage breaks up - and while there may have been cheating going on - there is usually some underlying reason that the cheating is going on - in my situation the BM cheated on my DH - many times many men - but I looked at the situation and I realized that DH played a part as well - he worked 2 hours away from their home so his commute was 4 hours a day and then he worked 10 - 12 hours a day - when he came home he would eat and go to sleep on the weekends he would sleep a lot as well - so I feel part of the problem was she was lonely and he worked too much but on the flip side he made fabulous money - I mean a lot that afforded them a really great lifestyle - she wanted this lifestyle she spent beyond this lifestyle so he had to work more - see the vicious cycle - so yes the marriage broke up over her cheating but it was not the only reason.

When I met DH - he was still married but working on the divorce - she wanted him to use her lawyer and get it done quickly - thankfully he refused and got his own - it was a race to see if we were going to get married first or he was going to get divorce first - lol. She knew he had met me and we were getting married so I was not the other woman but he was still married - we were just waiting for the process to happen in the courts - luckily 4 months before we got married they were officially divorced. But had been not living as man and wife for over 2 years. They lived in the same house for 1 1/2 years and did not share a bedroom he slept in the guest room.

So no matter how a woman gets to this site - and yes we have some that did cheat with their DH's and we have SM's who are BM's on here who were cheated on and in my first marriage my husband cheated on my 8 months after we were married so I know what it feels like - but all of us should not judge anyone - we are not here to judge we are here to offer support, listen to a vent, offer advice and sometimes just to let someone know that someone is there for them.

You Francesca are not the only one with this situation there are many but because of the fear of being blasted they don't tell their real story - I WANT EVERY ONE TO REMEMBER THAT THERE IS A DELETE BUTTON THAT IF YOU POST THE BLOG YOU CAN USE IT - DELETE AND WHO CARES IF THE POSTER THAT YOU DELETED COMES BACK ON THE SITE AND POINTS OUT THAT YOU DELETED THEIR POST DELETE THAT ONE AS WELL - YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR THREAD - I have also PM's people and asked if they would mind deleting a thread that has gotten so out of control that it is damaging the site and posters have done that - I do think most of us are here for the common good - we just need to weed out the ones that aren't.

Anytime you want feel free to PM me and thanks again for posting this thread - it made me feel good and I appreciate it. We all need to remember that sometimes us being there for someone may be their only thread to not doing harm to themselves.

My favorite saying is - Do not forget to be kind to strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Fri, 10/15/2010 - 11:42am

Yes, great post Caregiver!!!!! I agree completely with you, Francesca and Fabu - thanks for saying it all so well!!

Francesca's picture

Submitted by Francesca on Fri, 10/15/2010 - 5:00pm

Thank you to all of you. I found my way to this site out of shear desperation. I really didn't have anyone to talk to about this. Even my therapist was not that helpful. She talks about things like "responsible divorce," "parenting agreements," "going in with your eyes open." That's like telling someone to prepare for a war by packing a first aid kit, a map and clean underwear. I was not prepared for a woman who exhibited extreme mental problems. Since I know that responding to aggression with aggression will only bring you more aggression, it seems as though BM can do whatever she wants! She was, and is, unstoppable. So, I came here for support, advice, friendship. I won't bash anyone, and I won't judge, or at least I won't scold anyone. None of us are without fault, are we?

Thank You Again
F.