I think you should reconsider marrying him. He is not putting you first. He is being completely disrespectful towards you by allowing you to be excluded from family events.

No way would my husband attend a wedding, funeral, birthday party, graduation,...... without me by his side. Either we both go, or neither of us go.

Don't marry this guy. He doesn't respect you. Hey, I can understand the x hating you and maybe even his kids, but for HIM to exclude you from HIS father's funeral because his x would be there is nust plain disrespectful. I also think it is extremely disrespectful for him to be celebrating holidays and his x's birthday. He can have his own holiday with the kids and celebrate THEIR birthdays all in his own home or at a restaurant. The x doesn't need to be involveed

I agree with the PP's. Don't marry him. It's sad that it's come to that, when it's obvious the two of you should have married each other in the first place, but history cannot be undone at this point, right?

I may not agree with how your relationship started, but I am doing my best to understand dynamics between people and being as diplomatic as I can, concerning issues like this. It's hard because I was cheated on. And abused. I don't often throw out the issue of being cheated on, because the abusive situation I was in is enough, all on it's own!

Everyone deserves to be happy in life, I believe that. I also believe we can make our own happiness or we can make our own hell.
Find happiness with yourself first.

JMHO.

I get the kids thing but birthdays with the ex just... doesnt... really... compute. A man who had an affair with you while married to the first wife i dont think would see much wrong with having an affair with the first wife while engaged to you. I doubt he's having an affair but he obviously has boundary issues. An affair / cheating whatever is kinda about not having great boundaries... see the analogy?

I can understand him not forcing you on them. But in my view, he is not taking the step to show the world, including ex and sds, that you are now a unit. He is still treating you like a dirty secret and his ex's feelings are taking precedence over yours. If it was her dad's funeral--ok--but his father's? And to celebrate xmas and her birthday together? I'm sorry this is so wrong. He is obviously feeling a lot of guilt and is trying to placate them by putting you in the corner. How she must love it!

Don't you want a man who is proud to be with you? He needs to cleave with YOU as his mate. My DH did, in the face of much BS from BM, SD, and in-laws. If he hadn't I wouldn't be with him. If this is something you can't resolve with discussion, please go to a counselor to talk it out between you. He needs to see the problem and address it before you get married. Establish boundaries that are fair to all and don't leave you out entirely. His daughters need to put on their big girl panties and realize that life is not perfect, neither are their parents, and GTF UP.

RUN HUN RUN!!!! It never stops hurting when you feel the least little bit excluded. I didnt go to SSs game last night so he didnt have to deal with any drama between his mom and me and so the night could be about him rather than that. It still hurt and I went to bed very sad and bitter last night. They are no longer a couple yet they do everything together? We cant all be like Reba, and then Barbara Ann was included in on everything anyways.

I want to add... that if you are going to be his wife, it is YOU that he should be taking to weddings and such. Not his ex-wife, what is this saying to his stepkids and even exwife. What if she remarries? Think her husband is going to let your fiance escort her everywhere?

My husband cheated on me with his secretary for three years. Then he left (well I left but, long story). The affair partner, who he is no longer with, was allowed at everything. Why not? My son was there and would benefit by me growing up and getting the f*ck over it. So I did.

I agree with everyone else. Kick him to the curb. It isn't worth it.

i have a friend who is really great-she's smart, successful, owns her own home, very good at her job.....she really has her life together in many ways....except for relationships. she really struggles to find men who are datable. they look good on paper, but in reality, its not so good.

she met this wonderful man...really nice guy, widowed for about 5 years...in her line of work, very kind and generous. except that he was still "living" his married life with his dead wife (dw). he called my friend by his dw's name many times. would not consider living with her because he wanted to remain in his marital home. they would go out to dinner and if they ran into people he knew, it would start a huge conversation about dw and my friend was left out. she tried to be kind and honor this woman's memory but their whole relationship revolved around his former marriage. she started feeling anxious and not really wanted, so she pushed for more commitment (living together) and he broke up with her. she sorted things out one day and realized that she had just been a shadow in this man's life. that he may never move on and give 100% to a new relationship. she came to terms with it and decided
"how you live your life is one thing, but DONT involve a new person in a relationship if you are still consumed with your past. its hurtful and disrespectful to the new person to not be in it 100%".

thatwoman, it sounds like your bf is still so tangled up in his past that he is not giving you the kind attention you deserve. his daughters are old enough to be in the position of WANTING him to move on and be happy. instead everyone is playing happy family and leaving you out in the cold. you deserve someone who is ready to move forward with you, not live life in the past. ((hugs))

How can the ex move on, if they are carrying on as if they are still married. Only difference is that he lives with you. My father did this to my mother. We are catholic people too. He divorced my mother for an other women, but still controlled what went on in our home. My father came around atlest every other day. Sometimes spent the night! My mother never remarried. Nor did my father ever marry the other women. He had 3 children with her and 5 with my mother. And we are close in age. I have a step brother who is one month older than me! My father is 75 years old now and my mother 71. My father isn't with the other women, she finally left him 10 years ago. And guess what he still spends alot of time with my mother. This might not give you any advise but might paint a picture of what your in for.

Why are you allowing this man to treat you like he's ashamed of your relationship? It's diminishing and disrespectful and you deserve better.

I too have had issues with DH putting me first above SD (27) but yours are extreme and I would have been long gone.

Marriage and relationships are hard work as it is, when you don't come first it just adds to the many issues you're already dealing with. Find someone who will love you and consider your needs first. Finally, people treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

WOW. and I never thought that id find someone with a similar situation. Hunny...I know how you feel to some extent (the family issues) but what I dont understand is why you are letting your fiance treat you like that. The only thing getting me through my situation is, my bf stands up for me no matter what. He comes from a very religious family but so do I and my family understands that we are all human and we make mistakes. If he isn't going to stand up for you and support you, you're sadness is going to turn into bitterness and it isn't going to work.

That isn't fair for you to be going through that and to be excluded due to the feeling's of his EX. I would not stand for that. Good Luck with everything.